From Excommunication to the Savior's Embrace: Martin Onken's Story (Part 2) - Latter-Day Lights

How far can mercy reach when a decades-long double life finally unravels, shaking a ward’s trust and a family’s heart?

This week on Latter-day Lights, Scott and Alisha welcome back Martin Onken for Part Two of his story—the hope-filled conclusion to his twelve-year journey of repentance.

In part one, Martin opened up about a lonely, complicated childhood that left him hungry for love and belonging. Leaning on his relationship with God to seek out the acceptance he was lacking, he found purpose in the Church and eventually served as a bishop. In time, however, he began living a double life, entering a 30-year extramarital affair that ultimately came to light, and led to a heartbreaking disciplinary council and excommunication.

In part two, Martin shares hard-won practices that rebuilt his soul: Consistently showing up to support groups and recovery programs, listening to those who saw him past his wrongdoings, retaking missionary lessons, and reflecting on temple grounds. He shares what it was like to tell his children the truth, navigate the difficult decision to separate from his wife, find love again after heartbreak, and rebuild his trust with family, all the while patiently seeking permission to officially return to the Church.

Each of these steps nudged Martin closer to approval for rebaptism, and revealed that Heavenly Father was guiding the process all along.

By the end of this episode, you’ll feel steadier about walking your own path back to God no matter how far off you’ve strayed. Expect practical tools, compassionate perspectives, and a renewed witness that no one is too far gone for the Savior’s relentless mercy.

*** Please SHARE Martin's story and help us spread hope and light to others. ***

To WATCH this episode on YouTube, visit: https://youtu.be/7K4-ZboOnZQ

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To WATCH part one of Martin's story, visit: https://youtu.be/8IvvCcAoGWc

To READ Scott’s new book “Faith to Stay” for free, visit: https://www.faithtostay.com/

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Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 0:35 Welcoming Martin Oaken to the show (again!)
• 1:15 Recap of Part 1 - A life of lies and extramarital affairs
• 9:20 Resurrecting the relationship
• 11:15 Martin talks to his Stake President + gets excommunicated
• 17:30 Martin’s thoughts on leaving
• 19:20 Martin’s goes to the disciplinary council
• 23:20 The council’s words of wisdom
• 26:50 Scott’s experience on the disciplinary council
• 32:00 Martin on being submissive
• 35:10 Alisha’s thoughts on satan's injustice
• 38:30 Scott on finding compassion as a bishop
• 40:30 Martin on the infinite power of hope
• 41:40 Martin tells his kids
• 44:00 Moving forward - Church, counseling, and family
• 49:30 Martin’s “platonic” relationship with his wife
• 54:50 Martin starts a feelings journal + goes to support groups
• 59:30 Martin’s top tips from the codependency support group
• 1:02:20 Martin starts going to missionary lessons
• 1:05:15 Martin helps a Sister
• 1:08:50 Martin decides to leave his wife + his current relationship with his family
• 1:12:15 Alisha’s thoughts on Martin’s decision to leave
• 1:17:25 Martin remarries
• 1:19:50 Martin struggles to get rebaptised
• 1:22:35 Martin gets approved for baptism
• 1:24:10 Martin goes to the temple for the first time since baptism
• 1:27:30 Martin's testimony
• 1:28:30 Alisha and Scott reflect
• 1:30:00 Final thoughts
• 1:33:45 Outro

Transcript

Scott Brandley: 0:00

Hey everyone.

Scott Brandley: 0:00

I'm Scott Brandley.

Scott Brandley: 0:02

And I'm Alisha Coakley. Every member of the church has a story to share, one that can instill faith, invite growth and inspire others.

Scott Brandley: 0:10

In the second half of this special two-part episode we're going to hear how excommunication, divorce, repentance and rebaptism taught one man that no one is too gone to receive God's mercy and forgiveness. Welcome to Latter-day Lights. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Latter-day Lights. We're so glad you're here with us tonight and we have a very special treat the second half of Martin Onken's story. We're super excited to hear it. Welcome back, martin.

Martin Onken: 0:49

Welcome. Thank you very much. I'm glad to be here.

Alisha Coakley: 0:53

Yeah, we are very much looking forward to being able to hear the rest of your story. You kind of left us on a cliffhanger last night. Do you want real quick to just kind of give folks who are listening maybe a really brief recap of sort of where you left off, kind of a little bit about what happened in the first episode?

Martin Onken: 1:17

Sure, sure, no problem. Yeah, so where we left off is that my wife discovered my second life, my split life, and so now everything is out in the open, and we got that way because of this 30-year relationship that I had with, with another woman, all as what I felt was a solution to feeling and participating in a loving, affectionate, supportive relationship filled with love, and I didn't really get that when I was a child. So I searched for it in a lot of different places and got involved in some long-term relationships that were really destructive, thinking that I was finding that passion and the love and the commitment and the desire and the power that comes in what I thought was a real relationship, and so the latest of which was this 30-year relationship that got really intense. And so my wife found out about it one day, simply by chance, checking through my laptop. She knew who the woman was and there was nothing I could do. I'd used up on my lies, I'd used up on my stories. There was nothing else for me to say except that you're right, and I did all that. And so that's where we are.

Martin Onken: 2:58

We're sitting in our living room, in our family room, really, and she's got this laptop on her desk and she is shocked. She is like speechless. She's just staring at it, staring at me, staring at it. I'm thinking, like what is she looking at, you know? And soon tears came to her eyes and I knew what it was and I figured okay, you know what? I can't hide from this any longer. I can't keep making up stories, I can't keep lying, I can't keep creating these fabrications that were getting wilder and wilder and wilder, I mean, the latest of which was that I had told her I was doing a consulting job in the state of Georgia when really I was in Hawaii with this woman on my getaway trip. I mean, my stories were just getting out of control as I was trying to maintain that relationship but keep juggling both of my lives and my church life. So I had three different lives that I was really trying to juggle and it was just getting too much and I thought, okay, whatever happens is going to happen. I may never feel this love or this acceptance that I'm looking for, you know, but I just can't keep doing what I'm doing. It's just not working anymore, that load of, you know, trying to keep all my lives together and my lies and my stories, and to keep them, you know, kind of near the front of my brain so that if I needed them I could pull them out at any time. So that all just went away and I, my, my heart just opened up and it was like, okay, take your best shot. You know, if I die, I die, and I really was pretty convinced that I was not going to be able to survive it.

Martin Onken: 5:16

Now, a couple of years down the road, I did have heart failure and so I told you that that. You know, it did affect me that much. But we're jumping ahead a little bit. So we're there, I'm giving up, I'm ready to face the firing squad. I know that there's going to be a lot of bullets and arrows shot my way and I'm just like, okay, you know, I was already starting to point some of those to myself, um, and it took me a long time to stop shooting at myself.

Martin Onken: 5:50

That was, that was one of my biggest challenges really. Um, but my wife ex-wife sure got off to a really good start. Um, she was, uh, so angry. She was so angry and really the healing started right then, because it's like I didn't know why she was angry. I didn't get why she was so angry. She used words like betrayal, like our life was a lie, like her life is ruined, her future is ruined. She mentioned all these things. So I'm going like, wait a minute, you were happy all this time. You know, I didn't really bother you with a lot of stuff. You were able to, you know, do your profession and do your hobbies and things like that, and I didn't really bother you and you seemed to be really happy.

Martin Onken: 6:48

And so I was really confused and and I realized at that time was like how far I let this go, that even I was, you know, really buying my own stories in my own lives, and I think that is part of addiction. You know that you do start believing your own stories and my own lies, and I think that is part of addiction. You know that you do start believing your own stories. You know it becomes a matter of survival sometimes, you know, or at least sanity, and so, anyway, that realization kind of started me on this path of saying you know what I need to come clean because I don't get it. I don't get it. And my wife did say for a long time you don't get it, martin, you don't get it.

Martin Onken: 7:32

And I'm going like, oh wait a minute. You know, but I did all this good stuff too. Look at all this good stuff. You know I'm a really good dad. I've done everything for the kids. You know I helped my youngest son get into west point. You know, while he was serving his mission I did all his application and admission stuff. You know I was, I was, you know, I was there, you know, and you know, and I was doing really great in the church and and you know I was helping a lot of people, um and anyway.

Martin Onken: 8:06

So it was like doesn't that count for something? She says no, that counts for nothing. Really, yes, because you destroyed our life, you destroyed our history, you destroyed our past, because I don't know what was true and what was not true, I don't know what were real feelings and what were not real feelings. Everything that she built her foundation on was destroyed, just like my facade and my persona was destroyed to her. Her life was destroyed and her future was destroyed because she thought she was going to have a husband.

Martin Onken: 8:51

Now she was just convinced, you know, she was never going to be married again, never had a, have a husband or another serious relationship, that she was going to be alone for the rest of her life. And so she was, you know, panicked on one hand and super angry on the other hand. Wanting to forgive me on one hand, but on the other hand, not knowing if she could ever trust me again would be this doubt. And so we talked for hours and hours, and days, and days and days, and the days turned into weeks when we kept talking, and the weeks turned into months, and we kept talking and we didn't tell anybody about it. This was just a burden that she and I carried to see if we could resurrect this relationship. And if we could, then maybe somehow we could keep it to ourselves and the kids or nobody else would suffer. That was kind of like the unwritten plan that we had. And so we did that.

Martin Onken: 9:56

And little by little we started doing things together. We would travel a little bit and we would go out to dinner again and stuff like that, and, um, we don't always keep talking about it, but a little by little we would try to normalize our lives again, you know, just taking one little step at a time, you know, and to see if, if there was something there that could be salvaged. You know, of course, I know she wanted every detail of everything and so I did that. That was really a struggle because I had compartmentalized so much stuff that half the time I wasn't sure if I was really telling her the exact truth, because she wanted information from me faster than I could give it to her, because she wanted information from me faster than I could give it to her, and so she would think that I was still lying or I was still trying to spin things and stuff like that. So it got to be pretty tense at times, really tense at times. But we were doing better. We were really getting better. It was just the two of us, nobody else. We didn't go into any counseling at that time. We didn't talk to any priesthood leaders no, friends, kids for sure. They were going to be the last ones we talked to about it. But that's the way it was.

Martin Onken: 11:21

And then one day, about a year later in fact I'm going to say maybe to the day later exactly a year I get a call from my stake president. I'm serving as a bishop now, and that's a whole other story about how I could do that. Yeah, but anyway. So I was serving as a bishop and he calls me and he says I need to talk to you and I need to talk to you now. I go, I said, well, I'm in a bishopry meeting right now with my bishopry. You know how about if we meet tomorrow or something he says no, he says just end your meeting, I'm coming right over to your office and we need to sit and have a talk.

Martin Onken: 12:19

Yeah, I kind of knew what was coming. You know, I had this, just this feeling that even for a few days before that phone call, I was trying to prepare for the bishopric meeting and the agenda and the topics that we would talk about, and making assignments and callings and ministering and all that stuff. And I just usually I have a lot of impressions from the Spirit on what needs to be done and so forth and I have an outline in my mind of what needs to go on. There was nothing. Nothing came to me for several days before it was just gone and I'm praying for the Spirit to tell me some things. And nothing, nothing. And when he called me I knew that's what it was that he found out for some reason. And the Lord's justice and mercy is said no more. This has to end now and the healing needs to begin right now. And so I did. I ended the meeting.

Martin Onken: 13:31

He came right over like 10 minutes later. He must have been parked in the parking lot, I don't know. It was like right there and he and I were pretty close. We were pretty close, we were pretty close, we respected each other really well. And he sat down in the chair across from me and he says I want to have this talk that every state president hates to have, that we pray that we will never have. And he said I had this conversation.

Martin Onken: 14:13

This woman came to my office and this is what she told me she had this relationship with you. She said she gave me receipts, she gave me proof, she gave me pictures. And what do you have to say? And I said yeah, that's true, that's true. And she goes what were you thinking? I remember so clearly hearing those words. What were you thinking? And my mind was just blank. It was just like frozen. I couldn't think of anything. And I said I wasn't thinking, I didn't act on thinking.

Martin Onken: 15:00

And he goes well, you know, I'm releasing you right now. And I go yeah, I know. He says give me your keys, wow. He says we're going to have several more phone conversations. And then he asked me some other questions that he had to like did you steal money from the church? You know, was she a member of the church? Were you? You know those kind of questions. And I answered those questions and he says we're going to have several more conversations and probably have to meet again.

Martin Onken: 15:36

He says I think you probably know where this is going. And I said yeah, I said I do. And he says I'm not 100 sure if that's where it's going to be, if that's the Lord's will, but if it is, it is. And then just to trust God, that Heavenly Father, in some way, that I wouldn't die from this experience and that I didn't know how that would happen but that I could survive it. I couldn't even imagine how I could survive it, how I could survive without that relationship, without the church, without my kids, without my friends. I was sure that all of that was going to just explode and not disappear, but it would all be focused towards me with anger and disappointment and shame and ridicule. So I said okay. So I gave him my keys and I left the office and I never came back to that office. Wow, I never came back to that office.

Martin Onken: 17:12

Really, yeah. Later on he told me we were talking when he says you know you should not return to the ward. In fact, you should probably not come back to the state, you should find another ward in another state somewhere.

Alisha Coakley: 17:30

And so we Do you feel like that? Did it feel compassionate or did it feel judgy, when he said that, like what was your feeling over that? Like? Were you like okay, that's a relief. Like what?

Martin Onken: 17:53

What did you think over? Like were you? Were you like, okay, that's a relief, like what? What do you know, I? I felt like he was trying to protect the ward and the stake for me that I was a, you know, a bad influence I don't don't know what other words to choose and that it would just, you know, the story would come out sooner or later. I tried really hard to get everybody to keep it quiet, but the story came out within a couple of days and the rumors started going around and I believe that he tried to keep things, um, private, but for some reason it didn't. And I can't I'm not even going to go there on why or how that happened but I think he was, um, trying to protect the ward and the state from those from those rumors and stories and gossip and all that. I had pretty high visibility in the stakes, so I think that it would have been hard for people to understand. So I think that's why he did it. I don't think he had any real personal regard for my feelings at that point. It was like you know, this is your consequence, you're going to have to deal with it, and you know I was like, yeah, okay, I told him whatever, whatever, that's what you think you know. So. So anyway, within a week you know he had a disciplinary counsel and that was the fastest disciplinary counsel I have ever seen.

Martin Onken: 19:36

Oh my gosh, I can't. I'm thinking back on it. So I'm going to give you some details because it's my experience. Not that I'm sizing the church or my priesthood leaders, I'm not. I'm just explaining my experience because I want people to understand that, no matter how bad it gets, no matter how hopeless you think it is, no matter how unfair it is or mean or cruel it is or whatever, you can survive it. The gospel gives you strength to survive it. The Holy Ghost even though I didn't have the gift of the Holy Ghost, then it's still there. Heavenly Father's love, the Savior, the Atonement, is still there, so, anyway. So I'm not even relying on any of that stuff now. I'm just trying to survive. I'm trying to breathe one minute at a time.

Martin Onken: 20:37

So I go to the disciplinary council. Okay, there's nobody there with me, like the new bishop isn't with me. A member of there's nobody there with me. Like the new bishop isn't with me. A member of the state president's with me? Nobody, I'm just there by myself. He meets with the high council for I don't know, some time before I'm asked to come into the room, before I'm asked to come into the room, and he does a really short explanation of the charge and he does not allow for any discussion or any questions or anything like that which there was in other councils that I've been on the other side of the table and to try and get some feeling of what was going on. There was no high council discussion or anything. After I left the room, the state presidency went and for maybe 20 or 30 minutes spent the private time I was asked to come back in. He announced that I was excommunicated pretty matter-of-factly, without any explanation of how or what or what they were thinking or what inspiration they got, 18, or what inspiration they got.

Martin Onken: 22:16

And so he told me that I should stand there where I was, at the end of the table and to you know that he would excuse the high council and that they should file by me and give me any words of wisdom or any counsel or anything. And so they did, one by one. They walked up to me and they looked me in the eye and I knew a lot of those guys really really well. You know, I knew their families and anyway, that was unbelievably difficult. I had to really hold it in because for the first time I felt like crying. I didn't when I confessed to my wife or she found out, you know, I didn't when I talked to the stake president, but I did. Then I felt like I let them all down, and several of them, you know. Let me know that I let them down. And so, anyway, they all left. I went into the stake president's office and met with the stake presidency there for about 45 minutes. It was even more difficult than before. Yeah, the closing comments were, you know, ok, martin. Well, you know you have a choice. You can either stay in the church or you can leave. If you leave, you're going to disappear from history. You're not going to make a difference in anybody's life. You'll just disappear. If you stay, for the next while, you're going to be known as the guy with the truck. For the next while, you're going to be known as the guy with the truck that people can count on If they need it trash hauled or they need to move. You're going to be the guy. You're the guy with the truck. One of the counselors said to me and he was pretty compassionate. He said whatever you do, just keep going to church, just show up, don't stop going to church. And the other counselor said to me he said, yeah, you were a good bishop and you did a lot of good service in the stake and to your family, but you could have been so much better. If you would have been so much better, if you would have been worthy, you could have been so much more. And I just was crushed by those comments. You know, it was a time when I felt like I needed that love, that I was looking for some compassion, some understanding, some acceptance, some credit, at least for some of the good things I did, and it was like none of that. None of that, you know, and that really affected me for a while. I knew that I was going to keep going to church. I knew that I was going to do whatever it takes to get re-baptized. But I thought, man, they are really making it tough. And they did. And you know what? Looking back on it now, I still feel like growing up when I think about it.

Martin Onken: 25:42

But we have to endure unfair things. It's part of the gospel, the experience, that's part of our testimonies, that's part of our trinal faith that it is going to be unfair a lot of times. And so, you know, I just had to accept it. I didn't try. My brain was too jumbled to try to understand it anyway, so I didn't really try because I didn't have the capability of doing that. So I just said, okay, you know you're right, you're right. I just taught myself I have to be submissive to my priesthood authority, my priesthood leaders, whatever it is right or wrong. You know it's more important for me to be submissive than for the process to be fair. You know that's part of repentance is being submissive, and so I did so. I left there and so we did so I left there and that, yeah, that was that was.

Alisha Coakley: 26:51

I just have to say I'm so sorry that you went through that, because I mean I'm struggling. I'm struggling with what I want to say right now. I want to ask Scott Scott, you were a bishop, you've been in Bishop Rick, you know all the, all the things in leadership. I'm sure you've probably had to be on the other side of that disciplinary council before, right? So, like, how do you, how do you feel about the way things are handled? Do you feel like that kind of common to see things like that? Is that? I mean, do you guys just I don't know like let me just hear from Scott.

Scott Brandley: 27:38

Well, I haven't seen people react that way, but this is a you know, maybe it's because it was such an extreme case and they were shook. I, I, I didn't. I didn't see anything to that level In any disciplinary councils that I had. I'd really tried to be Christ-like and actually felt an increase of love towards the person at the end. But, yeah, it's hard to be to put, you know, to be put in that position. Um, I don't know. And and like you said earlier, martin, like you, you were in other councils where it probably felt like there was an increase of love and you had that compassion, right. So right.

Scott Brandley: 28:26

But I liked what you said. You know you, you needed to, to learn to be submissive, and maybe that's why it had to go that way. Maybe if they were, if it was, if you didn't have to learn that lesson, you might not be who you are today.

Martin Onken: 28:43

Yeah.

Scott Brandley: 28:45

You know, and that that that's probably hard, but it that there could be a reason why it had to go down the way it did, I would. I would probably say in most cases there's an outpouring of love, yeah.

Alisha Coakley: 29:01

That's what I've heard, and so it just makes me sad that you didn't feel that way, and I know that there's other people who have felt the same way that you feel too, where they felt like they were being harshly judged or whatever else. And of course, the heavenly father only has imperfect people to work with. Right Like even the most stalwart, righteous, strongest testimony, people are still just people and we still make huge mistakes and have bad days and get hangry and you know what I mean Like and let our personal prejudices kind of like sway us sometimes, and so I do understand that and I think that it's great that you are having compassion on on them, despite you not feeling like you had that compassion given to you.

Martin Onken: 29:57

So yeah, you know I. Yeah, I mean I think that compassion would have been great and I definitely would have preferred it. Yeah, I mean, I think that compassion would have been great and I definitely would have preferred it. Yeah, you know, but I got a lot of compassion later, you know, it's not like the whole repentance process was just in that one meeting, right right, you know, it continued for 12 years, you know, before I was rebaptized. So I mean, I felt a lot of compassion and love during that time.

Alisha Coakley: 30:32

So, but you didn't have to go 12 years Like that, wasn't like the disciplinary council saying it had to be 12 years. They gave you what five-ish? They said at least five.

Martin Onken: 30:43

No, they didn't say. They didn't say you know, the stake president didn't say how long it would be. He had to go back to Salt Lake and ask them, because I asked him how long is this going to be? He says I don't know. He says it could be a long time. He says I don't think it's going to be a year, I don't think it's going to be a year. And I go okay, I can believe that. Anyway, he had to go back to Salt Lake and they wrote him back and they said in his words he said they told me to don't bother calling them for five years, that they're not even going to think about it for five years. Those are his words, not mine. So I go okay, so I've got five years at least. So you know, I figured that's fair. You know more than fair, really, when you think about you know if what my wife said had any truth to it at all, about the ramifications of what I did and how I did it, then you know, five years is probably lenient you know,

Martin Onken: 31:54

So you know, but my thing was really and I think this is really a key that you do have to be submissive, just to whatever comes. You just have to continue breathing and taking one step at a time and you have to trust. You have to trust in what you had in the past, whatever testimony you had in the past, that will get you through. You know, even if it was really weak and mine wasn't weak, but it was really corrupted and twisted, you know, with a lot of satan stuff in there. So, um, you know, but what little you have, you know, you just hold on to. You know, and that's what I did. And so, submissive and obedient, whatever I needed to do, whatever anybody you know that I loved or that had any authority or stewardship over me, I was just going to be obedient. I wasn't going to judge it for whether it was nice or kind or whatever.

Alisha Coakley: 32:54

You're just sustaining them in their callings.

Martin Onken: 32:57

Yes, right, yep, at least I knew that being submissive and obedient, that was good, that was something good I could do, you know, and that was something positive I could do. And as I did that, and I consciously had to tell myself I'm doing this out of obedience, it's only out of obedience, because I don't want to be here, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I don't want to face this, but I'm doing it out of obedience or I'm doing it out of submissiveness. And that attitude, you know, brought me strength, because I was for sure that I couldn't survive this. I knew that I, physically, was going to die, I would have a heart attack, I would have a stroke, I would have something, you know. But doing that and realizing, okay, I'm doing these things, I wish I could say out of faith or out of love or whatever. No, right now I was just white-knuckling it and for these days, these weeks, these months, that was good enough and that's how I had to take it.

Martin Onken: 34:10

And I think that, you know, I think there's a lot of truth in that. When I think back about it, I think, yeah, you know, if you start second guessing it and trying to find out what's fair or right, or what's doctrinal or not, or this or that. You're just going to get into a bigger rat hole. Because I think when you have been in chronic sin, your brain doesn't work right. Chronic sin is an addiction and just like an addiction, your brain synapses start misfiring and misconnecting. Your brain synapses start misfiring and misconnecting, and so you're not really able to come to a proper evaluation or conclusion. So don't even try. Just try obey, be obedient, be submissive, and then you can take the next step after that, when the Lord tells you what it is.

Alisha Coakley: 35:05

Right.

Martin Onken: 35:06

And so that's what I did.

Alisha Coakley: 35:10

So what did your wife think about this? I mean, I'm assuming that afterwards you went and you told her everything that happened, and did you guys still decide to keep everything quiet? Did you decide?

Martin Onken: 35:22

to share with your family and yeah, she said, well, you deserved it. You know, really you're an idiot you're a, you know bleep, bleep, you know so I just I have to interject.

Alisha Coakley: 35:41

I just feel so sad because and and maybe this is coming from um we had another bishop that had been excommunicated, that was on, and he was just. He's such a sweet guy and just hearing his story and hearing your story, I just for me, I feel like Satan's going to try to attack every one of us, right, Like obviously. But I feel like sometimes he puts a lot more effort into the people who are trying to do the most right, who are trying to do the most good, who are trying to be the most righteous and stuff, and so he, like he knows where our Achilles heels are, he knows exactly what it's going to take for us to fall, and he's patient in waiting for us to make sure that the fall is a huge fall, Like he doesn't just want us to like kind of like stumble a little bit, no, and and like our past bishop that was on, and and just other guests too, in general, it just makes me feel like what kind of I mean, I don't want to say cliche, but like almost like what kind of huge purpose or or what type of warrior were you that Satan set his sights on you to fall so hard and to tempt you so badly and then to have everybody else judge you on top of that, you know, and to use the trauma that you had as a child against you like that's just sneaky on his part, Right. And of course you can look at the black and white of it and say part Right. And of course you can look at the black and white of it and say Martin cheated on his wife for 30 years Right.

Alisha Coakley: 37:28

But it's so much deeper than all of that. There's so many layers involved in it and it just makes me so sad that unfortunately you you weren't given the opportunity to have other people peel back those layers, that they were just judging them based on the surface. You know, and I know Christ is the ultimate onion peeler. How are you going to call it Right? That's the most important he can. He can get to the very center of all of it and he can figure out exactly how we need to get back in line with being right. But I just get. I just get so sad when I hear stories like this, where there's just that missing Christ-like compassion on the person because you think you should have known better, and that should be enough to justify judgment.

Scott Brandley: 38:22

That makes sense I'm gonna make people angry I'm so sorry, I think, along those lines, Alisha.

Scott Brandley: 38:31

it is one of the things that I try to do as a bishop was put myself in the shoes of the person across from the desk, and that's really hard sometimes when they're telling you all the crappy things they've done. But when you do it, when it does click and you're able to see a glimpse of that person's life and all the difficult things that they've had to go through, you really do start to feel true compassion and love for that person in a completely different way and it almost goes from like anger, you know hate, almost like this, not hate, but like disappointment, right, and then it goes to love and compassion and but that's, it's a.

Alisha Coakley: 39:22

It's hard to make that, to cross that chasm sometimes for people well, I can see how, especially when, as humans, we have a tendency to want to pick sides right, like you, it's so easy to pick just the side of the one who didn't know what was going on. The wife in in this, in this instance. Right, I think you know what, scott, I'm just going to blame you. You have I've told you this before You've always been my favorite Bishop Like and I love so many of my Bishops, but you I I feel like when it comes to bishops, I was super spoiled by having Scott as my bishop. He really did constantly show so much compassion for everybody in every circumstance, like he just could see so deeply into who they were, what they were struggling with, you know what needed to be said and done and like he was just always like the biggest cheerleader for everyone.

Martin Onken: 40:19

So I'm I'm spoiled and I appreciate you and your former bishophood, but there's a lesson in that and that you know we all need to learn to be more compassionate. You know that that is a very unique kind of love that Heavenly Father has for us, you know. And I think another one is hope. I had to speak at a separate meeting about that this last week, about the infinite power of hope. So I think that in our learning to be more Christ-like, you know how's that thing go about. If I want to learn to be strong, heavenly Father gives me challenges and things like that. Well, maybe you know, if I need to learn to be compassionate, then he's going to give me some trials. That you know. We all, on both sides of that fence, need to learn to be compassionate about the perpetrator and the victim. Both need compassion, and so I think that that's a thing to to learn and so, um, that's a difficult one to learn. It's really difficult. It's a difficult one to learn. So, so, yeah, so, anyway, we went through that.

Martin Onken: 41:41

Of course, we knew, especially as soon as the disciplinary council was over, that word was going to get out quick, because I had like, dropped off the radar. One Sunday I'm there, the next Sunday they're calling a new bishop. I mean, you know people were going to start talking and stuff, so we knew that. You know we need to tell the kids, because we didn't want to hear it. You know, on Facebook or Instagram or whatever, you know, we didn told them everything. Told them well, not all the details, but I told them that I was excommunicated for this long-term relationship and you know that I was going to be going through this process and you know that their mom was really hurting and that you know they should be compassionate with her, and so you know that she was, you know, the victim. You know it wasn't a time to pick sides or anything like that, and so it's like you know she's the one that needs it. Now I'll go through the repentance process.

Martin Onken: 43:01

You know that I need to go through and you know, it'll all work out, but they were super, super hurt and to go through each one of them one by one, and one evening, you know, after getting out of that disciplinary council and then having to meet with them like that night or the next night, was just like oh, that you know, but um yeah, I can see how you would think that you weren't going to live yeah because just the anxiety and the just oh man, I, I can't even imagine how hard that was yeah, yeah, of course that was a big lie

Martin Onken: 43:49

because I did live and I'm better off now, and I'm a better man now than I was then. So you know, that's another one of Satan's wise right, yeah.

Martin Onken: 43:54

I think Elder Holland calls it so anyway, so I did that. My wife and I started going to counseling. Both the stake president and the counselor suggested that we not do anything for a year, and so we accepted that counsel and that for a year we would just, you know, let things cool down and you know kind of, you know, be guided by the spirit and pray and meditate, and that was already after a year of you guys working on it.

Alisha Coakley: 44:36

Yeah so this is now going into two years later. Right Right, okay, it yeah. So this is now going into two years later.

Martin Onken: 44:41

All right, okay, yeah, and so that's what we did. And so we said, okay, we won't make a decision for a year, but we'll go to counseling and we'll meet with our priesthood leaders and you know, the Relief Society president and the people in the wards that we would be in and the new bishops and stuff like that. And so we did that. That was also more of like what we had in the first year, except now we had all these issues with the kids, Because, remember, I have four kids and they all had varying responses and questions and feelings that we had to go through.

Martin Onken: 45:37

I finally did, about two months after I talked to the kids, I did have a meeting with them all. We all met in Atlanta and I flew them all out there and we rented an Airbnb and I just had to, like, tell them what was going on in my brain. I just had to tell them what was going on in my brain, and it was good that we all got together and that I wanted to be honest with them, but my brain wasn't organized enough to give them a really satisfying answer. So the girls heard mainly that I was a sex maniac and the guys said you're so stupid, why didn't you talk to anybody? You know we were here. You didn't talk to us. We're adults, you know, and so, but I felt that I needed to be as honest as I could with them and unfortunately it was still a jumble, I think it probably, looking back, it probably would have been better if I waited six months or more, and you know, I had something a little bit more concrete to share with them.

Alisha Coakley: 46:55

Did they ask about your other child?

Martin Onken: 46:58

They did.

Alisha Coakley: 46:58

Did they want to meet other child? They did. Did they want to meet or anything, or did they just kind? Of want to they did.

Martin Onken: 47:04

They did, they did, they wanted to meet her and in fact I think three at least two, if not three of them did meet her Did oh, wow, yeah, yeah, did you talk to her, too, about or did she always know, or like how much information did she have?

Martin Onken: 47:26

Well, she knew all about my other family and the kids and my whole life. You know, I didn't keep that a secret from them. That was really my primary life, so to speak, gotcha, because that was really my primary life, so to speak, gotcha. So, yeah, they had a pleasant dinner. They now live in different places, in different states, so they don't really get together, but they do communicate on Instagram and whatever else TikTok or whatever else they do, so they do keep in some contact.

Alisha Coakley: 48:01

So that's at least like one of the silver linings, right. Like to do all of this coming out. It was painful, but now at least your children all get to build a little relationship with each other. So that's one piece of healing.

Martin Onken: 48:16

Yeah, yeah of healing, yeah, yeah. And really my oldest son. Recently he heard me mention my family and that I had four kids and afterwards he said well, how come you didn't say you have five kids? I?

Martin Onken: 48:32

was like, oh yeah, you know what I should have, You're right, he was right. And so I said, yeah, I'll fix that't. I won't do that again. So I'm still, you know, trying to unscramble the brain. I can't believe how difficult that is. I can't believe how difficult it is because satan still hammers us, I, I think, when we're going through repentance and we have the possibility of all of the blessings and the powers that come with repentance and the faith that can result from it, I think that he works on us extra hard.

Martin Onken: 49:15

I know that when I was serving, there were a lot of people that went through repentance, that were really, really had more and more temptations and more and more weaknesses than ever in their lives. The next big thing that happened was that the year comes now, so it's the end of this second year, and for the whole year I've been sitting on pins and needles trying to read my wife as to what she wants to do, and we were doing pretty well. It was, you know, I'm going to call it platonic, because I just don't know how else to describe it. It was more friendly rather than intimate or close or personal, but it was. You know, there wasn't any fighting or anything like that. There were moments when she was crying a lot and stuff like that, and I can certainly understand that, you know. Just as it comes back to her, the reality kind of comes back. But anyway, then the year happens and she says nothing, it's just like a regular day. And a week later she says nothing. And I asked her, I said well, you know what's, what are you thinking? It's been about a year and she says, ah, she says I don't know yet, and I go okay, and anyway it's.

Martin Onken: 50:50

Then it's like a month later and still no decision. And I'm thinking here's, you know, this is the biggest decision of our lives now. And I said well, what do you think? You know, we need to make a decision on what we're doing. Are you going to stay or not, you know, and she says, well, I'm here, aren't I? And that just crushed me. That just crushed me and it's true, she was there. So I guess you know that's the answer, that she's going to stick around. But it made me think like, oh, you know, she's sticking around for the kids or, you know, for the finances or for, you know, the social network or whatever you know, and it just and I think it crushed me more than I should have let it crush me, but it just, it just did.

Martin Onken: 51:56

I felt like you know I was, I was, um, working hard enough and doing the right things, that you know we could have taken a timeout or an extension or whatever you know, um, but it was just and it was just a reminder to me that you know, she, she wasn't able to give any other kind of love than that, and so I had a big struggle with that and I even went to the counselor at the time and the counselor says, oh, you're making too much of it, you shouldn't expect any more than that. That that's just the way relationships are and that's the way marriages are. And then that you know that kind of a level of love or intimacy doesn't come very often, that you know it's now your life, you're in a comfort zone and you're kind of on autopilot. And you know you're kind of on autopilot and you're getting your joy from the grandkids or from your retirement or whatever. And I just couldn't buy that.

Martin Onken: 53:07

But because both the counselor and my ex-wife said that I was just like it was like a prison sentence to me. I'm sorry, it was like a prison sentence to me. I'm sorry. It just felt like am I going to have to live with this forever? Is this all there is? And at that time I had pretty much in the back of my mind maybe I hadn't really admitted it to myself that I was going to like give up on it. It's just like, okay, if that's all there is. You know I can't do this and you know that was a real breaking point for me. That was a deal killer, and so didn't share any of that with the kids or anything like that. Didn't share that with anybody else except that counselor. I did stop going to that counselor like one or two weeks later it was like okay, Understandably so.

Martin Onken: 54:16

She came so highly recommended and you know, all the bishops and all the local stakes used her when they needed to have counselors and so I felt really comfortable with that. But you know it was like she says, well, if you stay together you could be such a power couple in the church and it's just like, oh okay, that has no appeal really, you know. So I did find another counselor and he was also a member of the church in a different state and he specialized in addictions and stuff and he really helped me out quite a bit.

Martin Onken: 54:57

That was really, really a good thing and, yeah, he was the guy I needed. He helped me to really see things a lot more clearly, because everything was a decision. It was like, well, do you want to come back next week or not? I'm forcing you, you know, if you like doing this, do not.

Martin Onken: 55:20

He got me writing in a journal which I think is critical to have a journal of your feelings, a feelings journal. I think that when you're going through repentance, you really need that, because you have so many different feelings that are going on. You need to write them down and I think that that's super, super important them down, and I think that that's super, super important. You know, he helped me to see how active Heavenly Father really was in my life. And as I think about it, you know, and as he was kind of leading me to that with this kind of questions, it's like, yeah, you know what? Back then, you know, when I was having all those problems right after the excommunication with the kids and all that stuff, there were a couple of guys from the ward. One was a bishop before me who was so nonjudgmental and he'd just drive up or come up in his bike because he was a big bicyclist in my house.

Martin Onken: 56:21

Just seeing how you are, just seeing how you are Just want to be your friend, that's all Just let you know I love you, yeah, and there was another guy the same guy we served together when we were working with the young single adults and he would call me and say, let's have lunch.

Martin Onken: 56:38

No, let's go to a ball game. And say, let's have lunch. No, let's go to a ball game. You know, let's go fishing. You know, and you know what I was so filled with shame at that time that I pushed him away.

Martin Onken: 56:53

I pushed him away. It's just like I can't, I can't face you, I can't, you know, not talk about the elephant in the room. I just couldn't do it. But that was. Heavenly Father sent them to me right away when I needed it. You know they were both. You know one was the ex-bishop, the other guy was a high counselor and it was just like and then he was soon after a bishop. You know, he sent me some powerhouse guys that I love and that I've had relationships with them, and I just couldn't face it. I still had so much, you know, this facade going on that I couldn't do it. I started going to a lot of support groups my son, my oldest son. When I told him, the first thing out of his mouth was you need to go to an ARP meeting. That's the first thing he said I go, oh, okay, Well, okay, I'm going to be obedient, so I'm going to go. So I did go, and it was also one of the best things that I could do.

Alisha Coakley: 58:00

ARP for those listening is addiction recovery right.

Martin Onken: 58:05

Right, yep, yep, and so they're church-sponsored programs. And so I found one about 20 miles away and so I started going to that one and that was an amazing experience, because I really feel that sin is addictive. Going to a support group an addiction support group is critical and I went to the pornography one, but pornography wasn't my issue. It never was an issue, right, but it was kind of related because there were some sexual issues involved. So I went and just the content of the meetings and the 12 steps and the humility and the desperation of the guys that were there was just incredible and the spirit was so strong there. So that was really a great experience.

Martin Onken: 59:10

I started also going to other groups. I went to, like codependency groups and I went to several other support groups AA, because we have a support group for everything these days, you know. So I went to those groups and each one of them I got a little bit out of One. Then the codependency group.

Martin Onken: 59:30

I really learned an important principle that really helped me, because they were all talking about how their brains are crazy and they can't control the thoughts and feelings in their brains. And the woman who was leading this group she shared with us on how she copes with it and it was like one of those wow moments for me because she said well, what I do. She says when I start feeling like crazy and discombobulated and jittery, she says I go to wherever I am and I put my timer on my watch for 15 minutes and then I go in a closet, turn off the lights and close the closet and I sit there and for 15 minutes I allow myself to think every crazy thought that I can think of Every one of them 15 minutes of craziness. But as soon as that timer goes off, I stop and I reset the timer for 15 minutes and for those 15 minutes I think only of the really good things in my life good things in my life.

Martin Onken: 1:00:39

I thought, wow, for me that was like one way to separate that craziness from reality, the reality that I had created with Heavenly Father's reality. And so we did that same thing and it works. It's like, oh man, that was the greatest thing. Yeah, I love that.

Alisha Coakley: 1:01:04

Yeah, I really do. I'm like I'm going to give it a try.

Martin Onken: 1:01:09

I know there's probably whoever's listening to this is probably going to say, hmm, why? Maybe you know?

Scott Brandley: 1:01:16

Alisha, you better be careful. You might be in that closet all day.

Alisha Coakley: 1:01:20

I probably will.

Martin Onken: 1:01:26

But it also taught me that I had power to control my feelings, that my feelings didn't have to control me, or my compulsions or my sins didn't have to control me, or my compulsions or my sins didn't have to control me, that I had the ability to turn them off and to change the things I was thinking and feeling. And I never felt like I had that power before. And that simple exercise was like one of the really enlightening moments, you know, of my whole recovery process, and I believe that that's one of the moments that Heavenly Father gave me, you know, because I would have never thought about going to a codependency meeting. You know, it's just like that's not me. Why would?

Alisha Coakley: 1:02:11

I go there.

Martin Onken: 1:02:12

You know I'm bad enough in the pornography meeting, you know. So anyway, I also after the addiction recovery meeting, which is always held in a church building, right. So the one that I went to was really near the Los Angeles Temple. So I would go to the temple after every meeting. So once a week I went to the temple and you know I couldn't get in but I could sit there. They have, you know, a great visitor center there and I would sit there in front of the visitor center and I would listen to the music in the background and you know I would look at the statues and I could look at the temple, I could remember my experiences in the temple and to do that every week kind of helped bring some sanity back to me.

Martin Onken: 1:03:02

You know that I am going to Heavenly Father. I'm not waiting for Him to come to me, I am going to Him. I am going to the most sacred place that I can go as close as I can get, and I'm going. Every week After I do the support group I'm going there and that was really, really great. So one of the times that I went there I decide, okay, you know what, I'm kind of getting a little bit better. So I need to start over with the gospel and so I am going to take the missionary lessons again from ground zero.

Martin Onken: 1:03:50

And so I went into the visitor center and it was like five minutes till nine, you know, because after my meeting it's late, the visitor center is getting ready to close, and I talked to a couple of sister missionaries and I said I want to take the lessons again here in the visitor center with you and they said okay, we can do that. So I said, okay, every week I'll be back here at 830, you know, every week on Tuesday nights. So I came back, so the next night, next Tuesday, I go there and those same two sister missionaries who were super, super strong, super spiritual, super loving and kind they weren't on duty and so they said, oh, they're not here, but these other two sister missionaries are there and I go oh geez.

Martin Onken: 1:04:49

Oh. So anyways, I said, okay, it's 8.30. We got 30 minutes, okay. So I tell them my story, or a little bit of my story, as much as you can tell a sister missionary right, without totally freaking them out, but enough to invite the Spirit and let them know how desperate I am and what I need to do, and that I'm going through this repentance and this, and that three moments for me during my repentance is that I'm telling my story and these two sister missionaries, their eyes are really big and they're really quiet. I know they don't know what to say. And then I finally get my story and I said, okay, I'm ready to start the lesson. So wherever you want to start, sisters, let's go.

Martin Onken: 1:05:38

And one sister she says to me, she says well, before we get started, she says I have to tell you something. She says I never wanted to go on a mission, that was not in my plans, but I've been out on my mission for two months now. She said, and one of the reasons I didn't want to go on a mission was because my father was really active in the church and he was excommunicated and it broke him, wow, and I didn't know how to help him. I didn't know what I could do for him, and so I decided the only thing I could do was to go on a mission and hopefully the blessings that my family will receive will help my father. And then she says to me hearing your story helps me understand what he's going through and it helps me love him more than I did before. And I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father brought you to me, because I only work here in the temple. She says, I'm only a couple of times a month because I am in a family work.

Martin Onken: 1:07:07

And that was a testimony to me that heavenly father, during our, our weakest moments, when we least deserve it, we'll use us and we'll be with us and remind us that he isn't done with us, that there's still good in us, that if we just take it one step at a time, start with the basics, be obedient, be submissive, be humble, do it his way, not my way. And that was a great moment and it just strengthened my conviction. You know that Heavenly Father can't abandon us. He can't. He still sees the good in us, the good that I believe, though I buried there somewhere, he still sees it, even when all that sin is coming to the forefront, is being exposed and all the weaknesses, and that still continues during the repentance process. But he still sees only the good and he uses that good, and he did. I never saw that sister missionary again. I was there back there every week for six months or more. Wow, I never saw her, but I knew that Heavenly Father used me to help her, that was just an amazing experience.

Alisha Coakley: 1:08:43

I'll never forget that that was just an amazing experience.

Martin Onken: 1:08:50

I'll never forget that. So I continued going on through the repentance process. I did decide to leave my wife.

Martin Onken: 1:09:08

And so that was really difficult. That kind of pushed her over the edge. She was really, really angry, and you know I don't blame her. I mean, she built a life expecting certain things from me, and I was always telling her that you know, yes, you can trust me, you know we're going to build a life together yes, we're sealed, and you know we're going to build an eternity together and have families and so forth, and I just couldn't, I just couldn't, I just couldn't. And so that's how I did it. And so that's when things got, you know, really rough between my wife and I. We don't talk now. You know that was probably eight, nine years ago. Wow, we don't talk.

Martin Onken: 1:10:10

She ended up, you know, yeah, she ended up doing a lot of really harmful stuff. One of those things was that she posted on the blog all our dirty laundry, so to speak, with names and dates and everything. A lot of people then contacting me and saying what is this? Look at what we're reading online and stuff. So at that point too, too, the kids really felt like they had to choose a side right. So it was really difficult on them, yeah, really difficult on them. I didn't realize how difficult it would be on her, or?

Alisha Coakley: 1:11:04

on them.

Martin Onken: 1:11:06

We're realize how difficult it would be on her or on them.

Martin Onken: 1:11:10

We're still recovering. My youngest daughter does not speak much. I mean she lets me see my grandkids. She has three of my grandkids, so she lets me see them whenever I'm in town. But the third child she had, I wasn't there for the birth. In fact, I didn't even know she was pregnant until she was having the delivery and one of the other kids said your daughter's going to have a baby. And I go what? Wow, yeah, so they're. Yeah, that's your daughter's going to have a baby. And I go what? Wow, yeah, so there, yeah, that is still a tragedy. It's difficult for me because it's like I really felt like I was being selfish. You know that I could have stayed.

Alisha Coakley: 1:12:11

You know I do know and at the same time, too, I just like I understand kind of where you're coming from, because it's hard, especially when you think about the scripture that talks about men are that they might have joy, and if you feel like that joy is a big piece of something that's missing in a relationship, I can see how it would feel like such a hard decision to stay or to go like logistically, yes, you could stay and you could be a power couple and it could be this great thing and all these things.

Alisha Coakley: 1:12:48

But at the same time, we, just you just don't know, like you know, are you ever going to get back to a place where it feels like a real marriage, you know, where you feel like there's the love that's coming from both sides in a way that both people need.

Alisha Coakley: 1:13:06

So I can understand how that can be really, really hard and at the same time, your wife I can see how she too can could, could be so hurt and so upset because she felt like she, she forgave, she kept trying, she kept, you know, like I don't know. So, there, I don't think there's there's. I truly don't think that there's a right or wrong in a situation like that. Put the rest of it in heavenly father's hands, knowing that he can get us wherever we need to go, and it it might look a little different than what we originally thought, but he's not going to leave any one of us alone. He's not going to leave your ex-wife alone or your children or you. Everyone's going to be loved and taken care of in a way that they need, you know it just may not look like how they want it to look.

Martin Onken: 1:14:12

Yeah, Well, it's definitely a process we're still going through each one of them differently.

Martin Onken: 1:14:22

Yeah, yeah, so it's. Yeah, I mean, it's just like from my viewpoint. You don't want to make it any worse by, you know, creating sides. So you just have to kind of just say, okay, this is the decision I made I had to make, and just give them a rough idea why and not go into the details, because then they're going to want to pick sides at least that's what I thought, and it did happen. They picked sides, you know, for whatever reason. You know I don't want to go there, but, um, they did, you know, and and if that helps them feel better about it or accept it or whatever, then that you know.

Scott Brandley: 1:15:14

that's that's good, you know, but it is still something that we're working through um, yeah, I mean that divorce is something that takes a long time to figure out. My parents got divorced when I was really young and it took them decades to become good friends again. But towards the end, before my dad passed away, they would there's they had both gotten remarried and there's. They would get together and play cards, they'd have game nights together and stuff wow wow, you never know, right, you never know what's gonna happen.

Scott Brandley: 1:15:57

Right? Like time does heal wounds, perspective changes things. Um, you know, and and we can look at things as we get older and more mature, even your kids, and maybe even your ex-wife, will be able to look back and see things from a different perspective.

Martin Onken: 1:16:15

Right, with more experience under their belts hopefully, yeah, right before we get too old and die.

Alisha Coakley: 1:16:23

Yeah, maybe we'll have to figure it out on the other side.

Alisha Coakley: 1:16:28

You know, yeah, I always. I almost wonder, sometimes, though, if that'll be a little easier for us to fully understand, like if we don't have the barrier that's here in our human form, right, like if we're actually able to understand every part of every person, why they did what they did, what they went through, how their brain was working. You know, like I like to think that, hopefully, on the other side, we have such a clear knowledge of it that it makes it almost impossible for us to harbor any type of hurt or grudges or then like vengeful feelings or any of that kind of stuff.

Martin Onken: 1:17:11

So I think I think we'll have a window to that. I think we'll still have our agency, but I think that we'll have a window to that understanding if we choose to look in that window.

Martin Onken: 1:17:23

Yeah, right, yeah, but I did. I did end up remarrying. I was single for about two years a little over two years and I muddied up the situation again because I ended up marrying a woman that worked for me in our little RV company, and so the kids knew her really well. Debbie, my wife, knew her, and somehow they got the impression that I was having a relationship with her this whole time when I wasn't Right. But she did, and I dated several other women, but she did, or does, express that kind of a relationship that has lots of intimacy and no judgment. When I told her bits and pieces of my story, she goes I don't need to hear the whole story. She said I'm not here to judge you, I'm just here to love you. Wow, so I don't need to hear anything. And so you know that went a long way.

Alisha Coakley: 1:18:48

Yeah.

Martin Onken: 1:18:49

And she's also the kind of woman that I say is, you know, she's the first to arrive and the last to leave, you know, like at a party or something, she's the first to be there to help out and set up and whatever, and the last one to leave and take out the trash. It's just the kind of person she is and serving others, and so those are really two strong, uh, characteristics that I was looking for, and so yeah yeah, we've been married a few years now and it's, it's great, it's a great relationship.

Martin Onken: 1:19:22

Good, she's not a member of the church, but she, she's really strong in her faith. She's not a member of the church, but she's really strong in her faith, she's Catholic, and so, yeah, we get along great, so that's probably, but you did get re-baptized. I did. Yeah, I did get re-baptized. And yeah, I did. I just recently had my blessings restored, like three months ago, wow aww. Yeah, I did. I just recently had my blessings restored, like three months ago, wow so yeah, so that was awesome.

Martin Onken: 1:19:52

So I went through, oh my gosh, I ward hopped so many times and each time the bishop was great, each time the state president was great. And then not this last stake president, but the one before that was helping me get rebaptized. And we applied for rebaptism when we got turned down. And he goes we got turned down. He says I know a lot of those guys personally, I thought for sure we'd get you in. And so he says this to me. He says there must be something else. Are you missing something or did you not do something? Did you forget something? And I go no man, I've gone through all of these bishops, all these stake presidents. I've had to tell bits and pieces of my story to each of them, you know. And no, he says well, he says there must be something. He says give me a week or two to think about it and we'll meet again.

Martin Onken: 1:21:09

And so two weeks later he calls me and he says let's meet. And the first thing he says is well, did you think of anything? And I go yes, I did. And I completely forgot about that. The other daughter, I completely forgot about that.

Martin Onken: 1:21:30

The other daughter, that I didn't want to reopen anything with the other woman because that just might have caused a lot of problems on every front and so I couldn't really I felt I could be wrong, but I didn't feel like I could have a relationship with that daughter yet because of the thing with her mom, and so I put her out of my mind for a long time because I had so many other things going on. I told him I think that's what it is. And he says you're darn tootin', it is, that's exactly what it is. So he says let's meet again in two weeks and see what you have to say. And sure enough, during those two weeks I made contact with her. She's very lukewarm about it, but I did make contact with her and talk to her. And so you know that relationship has got a long way to go. But she did talk to me and so I came back and reported that to him.

Martin Onken: 1:22:31

He says okay, I'm going to write you another letter. He says you don't have to write the letter, but I'll write the letter. So he wrote the letter again and then three months later I was approved to be rebaptized. So he was there during my baptism. Another previous state president was there, three bishops were there. There was like 50 people there. I was expecting one or two people, like I'm used to seeing. That was the biggest baptism I've seen in a long time. It's just really sweet, really sweet, really sweet. That's great. And then, two weeks after my baptism, that stake president dies.

Alisha Coakley: 1:23:17

Oh, wow.

Martin Onken: 1:23:19

He'd had a terminal illness all this time. Oh, man and he was meeting with me and giving me great counsel, and this counsel about you know what else is there? There's something else, and I think I was his last big project, so to speak. I'm so grateful for that that, again, that's heavenly father matched me up with that particular stake president for that thing that needed to happen.

Scott Brandley: 1:23:48

Yeah, yeah.

Martin Onken: 1:23:52

And now I've got another stake president who's young and got a lot of life and energy and enthusiasm, and he came and he was able to get my blessings restored. And so I go to the temple for the first time and I have a really good friend of mine who is in another state but he's been visiting me every week. He's another one of these people that Heavenly Father sent me. He's another one of these people that Heavenly Father sent me One night when I was really down and I called him out of the clear blue and I said Do you think that anybody could sin enough to have Heavenly Father give up on them? And he said to me he says I'm coming right over and since that day, like nine years ago, he's been every.

Martin Onken: 1:24:48

Well, he wasn't coming every week for a long time and every month he still comes and visits. He doesn't have to, but he's in another state. You know I'm not really his wife, so anyway. So yeah, the new stake president I have was able to get my blessings restored. So I go to the temple for the first time and now they have this new deal right and I've been out of it for 12 years, so like you could go to your tools and there's like all the names that are temple-ready and I'm like what, and so there was a relative.

Martin Onken: 1:25:30

So the first time I went back, I went back for an uncle on my mom's side awesome and it was just a great experience that to be able to not only go to the temple with my good friend that's been visiting me for all these years and to to uh take a family member through and so um yeah, so that's great. I have callings now I got called to be the uh assistant, uh organist in the. I don't know how to play the organ. I'm the assistant organist because now I guess you can do the computer part on it. Oh wow. And I do the ward program and I am now kind of like a substitute teacher that they get me to do stuff. I am a senior missionary because I'm serving with the addiction recovery program, so I'm a convertible.

Martin Onken: 1:26:27

I never, went on a mission, but now I'm serving with the addiction recovery program, so I'm a convert to church. I never went on a mission but now I'm on my mission. And my mission is to try to help people come back to the church, especially people who have been, you know, abandoned or offended or driven away from the church, whether it's the church people or whether it's their own little deal or whatever.

Martin Onken: 1:26:50

But those people who got you know, been offended or have a grudge against the church, try and reach them and however I can I don't know how that's going to happen because I'm just in my cubbyhole but whoever it is, to let them know that it's much, much better Coming back, it's worth the effort. And one friend said he says well, you got to live 10 years anyway. You might as well do it repenting. I mean, what else are you going to do?

Alisha Coakley: 1:27:20

right, I love that perspective. What?

Martin Onken: 1:27:23

You know you're going to live anyway. Yeah, the best use of your time.

Martin Onken: 1:27:29

I want to spread that that, no matter how bad it looks, no matter how many times you mess up, it doesn't really faze Heavenly Father, he's a good, he gets us, yeah it's a really good way to put it, and so I have a really good way to put it, and so I have a really strong testimony of that that the Savior really did atone for each one of us individually and he experienced each of our sins and each of our weaknesses and really looked at him and thought about him and said I can imagine how Martin feels, I can imagine what he's afraid of or what he's tempted by, and I know that, I can feel that and I'm going to die for it anyway.

Martin Onken: 1:28:19

And that's the God I worship now. That's a great God. That's my God now, and so I want to show that he's everyone's god. However, I can do that.

Alisha Coakley: 1:28:31

That's my deal martin I just love I just love everything about you, like you, like your whole demeanor is just so full of hope. You know and I don't know, maybe that was I was feeling a little model bear during your story for you, because you just have this beautiful outlook on life and I know, maybe it wasn't always so. I know you've struggled and you probably still have your days and stuff, but the the way I'm feeling right now is just that you, but the way I'm feeling right now is just that you definitely have a special connection with the Savior and a special love for others that is really hard for some people to have and I just, I don't know, I'm just so glad that I was able to meet you and to hear your story today, thank you.

Martin Onken: 1:29:23

Yeah, I love you guys. You guys are awesome.

Scott Brandley: 1:29:31

You guys are very uplifting for me. Like your story, you go to such a a dark place in your life for so long and then, like like Alisha said, there's hope at the end because you are able to show everyone that's watching and everyone that you tell your story. Even if you're in the darkest, deepest hole, you can still come out of it and be at the top again. You know what I mean. You can be redeemed, you can reach the top, and you're living proof of it.

Martin Onken: 1:30:10

Yeah, even when you can't imagine what the end is and that you've lost all hope of what it might be, and you for sure feel that you've blown it. Maybe you have in your own mind, but not in Heavenly Father's mind. To him, it's like you're a knucklehead, but I got all this other stuff for you. Now let's get going, get yourself together, let's go. We got stuff to do. I really believe that that is the real God, that is our God, that is our Father, you know. And so it's just like, okay, I don't feel like I have a lot to make up. I just feel like, okay, I'm just going to follow his plan and whatever he wants me to do, I'll do that. I'll be submissive, I'll be obedient and I'll be as loving as I can, and I won't make the same mistakes that I made before.

Scott Brandley: 1:31:16

Probably a good idea.

Martin Onken: 1:31:17

Yeah anybody else along the way, you know, then I'm eager, I'm anxious, I want to do it. I love that Because I tried to do it alone and that's what got one of the things that got me into trouble, and so I don't want to let anybody else be alone. If I can help it.

Alisha Coakley: 1:31:44

That's wonderful, oh, martin Gosh. Thank you so so much.

Martin Onken: 1:31:51

I like I said I mean coming on for two parts is like you did a lot of work.

Alisha Coakley: 1:31:59

You did a lot of work and the audience doesn't know this, but we we had to reschedule a few different times for part two, and then at one point we started recording. Well, we heard part two.

Scott Brandley: 1:32:10

Part of it.

Martin Onken: 1:32:12

Yeah, this could have been part three.

Scott Brandley: 1:32:15

And I forgot to push record on the podcast.

Alisha Coakley: 1:32:19

Scott did forget to push record, and that's okay. I I actually I think that this all was working out well because I I love the the overall direction that this version of part two went. You know, I think the first one, uh, I was having an off day, I was a little miss grouchy pants, so so I think that this is this is just really full of hope and hope and I felt the spirit during it and I just really really appreciate you coming on here today and sharing your story with us. Thank, you.

Alisha Coakley: 1:32:54

Thank you, it's an honor.

Martin Onken: 1:32:56

And it was a safe place for me to do this for the first time you made me feel really safe. The both of you did. Oh good, that helped quite a bit. You have no idea.

Scott Brandley: 1:33:06

Good. Well, I feel like we're like longtime friends now. I mean we all the times we met and talk.

Martin Onken: 1:33:16

Exactly Sure. You two are awesome. I wish you much luck and much success with the, with the podcast and your whole program and your whole mission and your ministry. Really it's awesome.

Alisha Coakley: 1:33:31

We need it Well, same to you. You're definitely much needed.

Martin Onken: 1:33:37

Thank you, I'll try yeah.

Alisha Coakley: 1:33:42

Oh, awesome.

Scott Brandley: 1:33:44

Yeah Well, thanks Martin for coming back on the show a second time and thanks everyone for tuning in for another episode of Latter-day Lights.

Alisha Coakley: 1:33:53

If you want to help Martin get his story out there, go hit that share button and let's share his light and his hope and help other people to know that even when things look the worst, there's always hope and god's always going to be there for us amen, yeah, and for anyone who's listening and who maybe maybe you've never shared your story before, like martin, and you're kind of feeling the little tingles and the butterflies and the and the little nervous feelings that we know we get whenever we're supposed to bear our testimony or say something in the temple or speak up in the middle of a classroom. If you're feeling those feelings, we want to hear from you. So be sure that you guys reach out to us, uh, latterdaylightsatgmailcom, or you can head over to our lights are, to our website, latterdaylightscom, and fill out the form at the bottom of the page. We would love to be able to hear your story and to share some more light with the world.

Martin Onken: 1:34:53

Great. Thank you Super.

Alisha Coakley: 1:34:57

All right, guys. Well, that's all we have for you this week. Make sure you tune in next week for another episode of Latter-day Light. Have a good one.

Scott Brandley: 1:35:05

You too Bye-bye.

Martin Onken: 1:35:06

Good night, bye-bye.