Discovering Life's Purpose through Singleness and Beyond: Sharon Lamar's Story - Latter-Day Lights

What if the life you dreamed of for yourself never showed up—because God used it to write an even better story?

This week on Latter-Day Lights, life coach and host of “The Single LDS Woman Podcast,” Sharon Lamar, opens up about spending 30 years of her life as a single Latter-Day Saint before marrying at 52. With humor, candor, and resilient faith, Sharon unpacks the quiet heartache of unmet expectations, the societal pressures we inherit from romcoms to fairytales, and the backhanded statements from friends and acquaintances that can silently erode our worth.

Scott and Alisha join her in exploring how to rewrite that script—seeing singleness merely as an identifier, and not a verdict of one’s worth; turning marriage from the main course into the cherry on top; and partnering with Heavenly Father to create a full, abundant life by allowing Him to become a collaborator in your journey. Along the way, Sharon shares the pivotal lessons that helped her trade confusion for clarity, how “nothing has gone wrong” became her new mantra, and how love remains the ultimate answer to all obstacles.

If you’ve ever wondered whether your path still counts when it doesn’t match the picture you grew up with, Sharon’s journey will help you see that you’re not behind, you’re not broken, and you’re exactly where you’re meant to be.

*** Please SHARE Sharon's story and help us spread hope and light to others. ***

To WATCH this episode on YouTube, visit: https://youtu.be/Qbjalk-Ue9c

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To BOOK a session with Sharon, visit: https://www.sharonlamarcoaching.com/

To GET Sharon's "Summer Rewind Playlist," visit: https://www.sharonlamarcoaching.com/insider

To LISTEN to Sharon's podcast, "The Single LDS Woman," visit: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-single-christian-woman-faith-and/id1712937838

To READ Scott’s book “Faith to Stay,” visit: https://www.faithtostay.com/

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Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 0:30 Welcoming Sharon Lamar to the show
• 1:45 Sharon in a nutshell
• 5:15 The importance of singleness awareness in the LDS community
• 14:55 Sharon finds her worth as a daughter of God despite being single
• 17:25 The “freezer, fridge, and pantry” analogy
• 19:50 Sharon becomes newlywed at 52 and falls into depression
• 23:15 The “nothing’s gone wrong” mentality
• 25:15 You have to learn your lesson before teaching others
• 26:05 Heavenly Father is a collaborative partner in life
• 29:05 Sharon gets inspired by mentor Brooke Castillo to start a podcast
• 32:55 Sharon’s learnings from singlehood
• 35:45 Sharon’s perspective of self-confidence
• 39:45 Love is the answer to everything
• 40:55 Sharon’s recap of her biggest lessons
• 42:30 Reframing hurtful statements towards single women
• 49:15 Alisha reflects on Sharon’s fairytale analogy
• 51:30 Sharon on feeling shame and guilt
• 52:20 Riding the wave malice and jealousy
• 55:45 Sharon on the inability to have biological children + the true purpose of life
• 1:01:35 Who can we call a true "mother"?
• 1:06:00 Final takeaway: nothing has gone wrong
• 1:07:50 How to connect with Sharon
• 1:09:55 Outro

Transcript

Scott Brandley: 0:00

Hey everyone, I'm Scott Brandley.

Alisha Coakley: 0:02

And I'm Alisha Coakley. Every member of the church has a story to share, one that can instill faith, invite growth and inspire others.

Scott Brandley: 0:10

On today's episode we're going to hear how one podcaster and life coach has learned through years of being single that there's more than one way to multiply and replenish the earth. Welcome to Latter-day Lights. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Latter-day Lights. We're so glad you're here with us today. We're really excited to introduce our special guest, sharon Lamar, to the show. Welcome, sharon.

Sharon Lamar: 0:44

Hello Scott and Alisha. Sorry about that, I'm so happy to be here.

Alisha Coakley: 0:50

I always tell everyone. My husband called me Ashley on our first date Well, not even our first date like our first phone calls and I've forgiven him, so it's cool, okay, so you'll forgive me Absolutely. It might require you buying me dinner, but I mean, you know.

Sharon Lamar: 1:08

I'm happy to do that.

Alisha Coakley: 1:14

Well, Sharon, welcome to the show. I mean, I'm sure Lamar is probably a pretty common name. I used to work for a company called Lamar Advertising. Do you guys do anything with billboards in your family?

Sharon Lamar: 1:28

We don't, but I know I've seen the billboards and I think, oh man, maybe we could tap into that you know, but no, do that.

Alisha Coakley: 1:36

Do some family history, find a link. Well, you don't do advertising, but, sharon, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? What do you do?

Sharon Lamar: 1:48

Sure. Thank you, Alisha. I am like she said, my name is Sharon Lamar and currently the two I think the two things that I do most is well, I'm a life coach and also a podcast host, and I take care of my husband and we love to travel and our passion is national parks and we just chase the check marks of, yeah, national parks and lots and lots of hiking. That's what we do, and we live about 45 minutes west of St Louis and have a property of about 33 acres and a lot of people ask what do we grow or what animals do we have? And I say none, we just have a house like everybody else, just a really big yard. So that's the way I explain it. So that's a little bit about that.

Alisha Coakley: 2:43

Or is it like natural?

Sharon Lamar: 2:47

Well, you know, we have some of it that is grown in hay, that a farmer, neighbor, a neighbor farmer does hay on about 17 acres, probably about 15 more, or maybe 10 more, just straight woods, and then the rest, yes, we mow. So mowing is a big deal and it's kind of an all day affair. I can imagine, yeah, but it's fun.

Alisha Coakley: 3:11

Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, I don't know why. In my mind, st Louis just feels like big city. So the fact that you have 93 acres somewhere around there, yeah, I'm like yeah, we're in a smaller kind of rural community.

Sharon Lamar: 3:27

If you're kind of, if you're familiar with, like Cache Valley, utah kind of situation with about that size, the surrounding communities, including our, reminds me a lot of Cache Valley, some of the big farms and rolling hills not mountains, you know, because we're in the Midwest but that type of yeah, that's cool it's fun, completely different from growing up in Las Vegas.

Alisha Coakley: 3:55

So Okay, like in Las Vegas or outside, like right outside of it that sound but like right outside of it In.

Sharon Lamar: 4:08

Yeah, when I was seven my family moved from Vernal Utah to Las Vegas, and so I spent age seven to 52 when I got married right there in Las Vegas. I mean not growing up on the street or anything you know, but growing up in Vegas.

Alisha Coakley: 4:21

That's funny. Well, I'm very cool. I have some friends who live out there and they love it, and I've only been once and it was super fun.

Scott Brandley: 4:29

So yeah, yeah unless you go in the middle of summer, then it's not so fun it is really hot there, right now stay in the air conditioning. That's it, you just have to go inside all the shows and all the fun stuff.

Alisha Coakley: 4:43

Yeah, very cool, all right. Well, miss sharon, we are very much looking forward to hearing your story today. Um, scott and I were talking a little bit before we clicked record. I don't think that we've had a guest who's really talked about quite this, and so I love you know something that hasn't been brought up before, but we won't jump too much into it. We're going to let you do that. So why don't you go ahead and tell us where your story begins?

Sharon Lamar: 5:14

Okay, well, my story begins, I'm going to say, probably, I think for most women in the church, we kind of do the math and we think maybe age 20, 22, something is where the formula that maybe we were taught in young women's is supposed to like start coming to fruition. And when it doesn't so my journey, my story as a single LDS woman, I'm going to say, began around age 20 to 22, somewhere in there, and I remained single until I was 52, which is a long time when you think about coming out of Young Women's and kind of that formula of what I believe I was taught by well-intentioned young women's leaders and, I think, the culture I would say maybe of how life is supposed to be inside the church and just for women inside the church. And so my story, Alisha and Scott, I feel is not just my story. It is a quiet story but as a story that, um, I really feel strongly that many, many LDS women currently single or had been at one time for a lengthy period of time. It's their story as well and we begin learning right when we're in primary.

Sharon Lamar: 6:54

I was born and raised in the church and I always was what I call actively engaged in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and we sing beautiful songs in primary, including I Am a Child of God.

Sharon Lamar: 7:05

And right there we began having painted the picture of parents kind and dear. So that tells us, well, we're going to get married and we're going to have babies and we're going to be those parents as well. And then we get into young women's and it seems that and what I don't want to do, Alisha and Scott, is to come across as complaining or whiny or woe is me or any kind of any of that, because that's not what my story includes. It's not about that. It's about just about what my experience was. What I felt was what I learned, what I was told and was that there's a way that it's all supposed to work out. We remain good girls, we graduate from high school and we go to college, preferably dot, dot, dot in parentheses, without anybody really really saying it. But we go to BYU and we meet a return missionary and we get sealed in the temple and we have babies and we live happily ever after, and that's how life is supposed to go.

Scott Brandley: 8:13

Right.

Sharon Lamar: 8:13

And I don't remember right. I don't remember really anyone saying what happens if it doesn't? What happens if that doesn't happen? And then also, what if it never happens? Then what does all of that mean? Is there something wrong with what I was taught? Is there something wrong with me? And I think that that's where myself I certainly went. There is what's. There must be something wrong with me.

Sharon Lamar: 8:52

Either I've done something wrong or there's something fundamentally wrong with me that is precluding that narrative from playing out. Is it because I didn't go to BYU? You know, you kind of think maybe it hinges all on just one little thing and we kind of spin out on that, and then if we don't think it's something that we've done, then oh, then it must be something wrong with me Somehow. For some reason, god is passing me by and I never really talked to anybody about that, I never said that much out loud, and I don't think that women do now either. But we sit quietly and really society, and we hear our beautiful sister sitting right next to us, who is a mom and who does have babies and is living what we consider to be the happily ever after story, and she may make a comment, something about how motherhood is the best thing ever, is the best thing ever a woman could do. And then the single sister sits there thinking, ah, there really is something wrong with me, because if that's the best thing ever and God didn't give it to me, then that must mean there's something wrong with me.

Sharon Lamar: 10:13

And so that's kind of the story, and that kind of silent, holding pain of that kind of narrative that swirls around in the back of our brain, that we're often not even conscious that it's happening. That swirls around in the back of our brain, that we're often not even conscious that it's happening, that we then become really kind of, sometimes getting harder and hardened more in our heart about. But that really is we. I call it the awful thought we take on this thought, this awful thought that we all have one and one of them can be I'm'm not good enough or something wrong with me, you know. And um, so in telling my story today, I know that not every person listening to this show is a single LDS woman. I totally get this, but I'm a hundred percent positive that everybody listening to this show today is either a single LDS woman or knows one, and they care about that single LDS woman and they love her, and so it matters regardless, I think.

Alisha Coakley: 11:24

And this could apply to guys too, like I know it's not quite the same stigma, but I think even guys like they're told the same thing that you need to get married in the temple and you need to have a family in order to be a righteous priesthood holder, that's head of your household, and things like that. I don't know if it weighs on them quite as much as it does women, but I'm sure that there probably are some that it does.

Sharon Lamar: 11:53

Yeah, yeah, I appreciate you saying that, and I don't know that either, because I'm not one of them. I have no idea. But I also know that, male or female, even if it's not just the disappointment, I'll call it or maybe the unfulfilled expectation of what I thought my life was going to be like, even if it's not singleness, there is something that everybody has that they then wonder I've done something wrong or there's something wrong with me or God's passing me by? And I think that, yeah, regardless, everybody can identify with something like that. That is scary and disappointing and makes you wonder about your worth, because it doesn't. It's not showing up the way the world taught me how it should show up, you know.

Sharon Lamar: 12:43

And so I've learned some lessons, but I learned them the way we often learn lessons. I learned them looking in the rearview mirror. I learned them as they crystallized over time, and I think that that's. I think that's on purpose. I think that that's how God teaches us. He's never in a hurry, you know we always are, but he isn't. Yeah, he's like oh, sweetheart, we've got lots of time for you to figure this all out, and it's going to take a bit of time for it to crystallize, and that's okay, right, it's okay, but we want it now, dang it. You know, and I I just think about. It's not just church that I learned those lessons, but just even my sweet mother reading fairy tales to moms read fairy tales to their little girls, and we're reading about princesses and we're learning that what we can take away is I'm supposed to be pretty and I'm supposed to kind of keep quiet and in some cases I actually go into a coma. You know, you think about sweet Snow White. You know she doesn't get saved until she's in a coma for all intense purposes, you know, or even, um, what's the other one, sleeping Beauty? So we learn those things and then somewhere then along comes the knight in shining armor, and then that's when my life begins.

Sharon Lamar: 14:07

Until then it was terrible. It was. It was, you know, hard and people were chasing me and people didn't like me and an evil stepmother and you had to support people with little, tiny people and you know this is scary. And then you graduate off of that. Then you have the adult version of the fairy tale, which is all of the romantic comedies that we love to watch, but they're basically kind of an adult version of a fairy tale. But somewhere along the way, in order to be happy and fulfilled, I need to get married and I need to have babies, and when that really doesn't happen, that can be quite painful. I mean, like I talked about, I got married when I was 52. I, when you do the, you know time ticking math, you know. Then time has passed. I'm not going to have biological children of my own, but I so.

Sharon Lamar: 15:12

I was single for a long, long time and during those years I learned lessons, like I said earlier. That, though, didn't crystallized until after the fact, but Heavenly Father was relentless in that he kept through the Holy Ghost, whispering to me that I am a daughter of God and I was of worth. And it didn't matter. The outside sources that I was thinking was going to tell me that you know the marriage and, and you know, getting sealed in the temple could tell me that I matter, that I'm chosen, that I'm of worth. Isn't the ultimate in knowing that it is knowing that I'm a daughter of God? If that makes sense, it's easy to believe that I matter and I'm worth. If I'm chosen and get married and that formula plays out in my life, that's easy to feel chosen and of worth and it's more difficult when that's not the case. And I kind of learned that along the way and I thought, okay, I knew enough through. There was enough clarity in my brain that I thought, well, dang, this can't be it. I can't just sit around and pine for something that isn't mine. Yet you know you do all you can, but then you also don't want to look needy and creepy and desperate. You know you create a life, you create a life and you think, well, I came to the realization that, yes, I didn't want to get married, but I wanted it to be the cherry on the top of my life, not my life, if that makes sense. I wanted to have a full life and I knew that.

Sharon Lamar: 17:22

The way I talk to clients now as a life coach to single women that I coach is I like to think about our life as like our freezer, our fridge and our pantry. And every experience that we've had, every hardship that we've had, is in that pantry. Every talent that Heavenly Father gave us, every trial and weakness that he gave us, everything that we skill, that we have learned throughout our life, is in that pantry, that freezer, in that fridge. All of those things are there and then it's up to us to say, okay, here's the ingredients of my life thus far. What can I make with this? And that's kind of without knowing it at the time. But that's kind of where I came to was okay, so I'm not married, what? But here's all the other pieces.

Sharon Lamar: 18:23

Being single is just one thing about me, but it doesn't tell the whole story. So what do I do with the rest of the stuff in the fridge or the fridge in the pantry? And so I traveled a lot with great single friends. We always did super fun trips together and I poured my. I looked in that pantry and I said how can I use what's in there in my pantry, fridge and freezer to help in my employment? And so through that I created an awesome career in corporate that I had for 25 years until Heavenly Father, kind of like, nudged me and said this is the last year you're going to be doing this. Kind of like nudged me and said this is the last year you're going to be doing this.

Sharon Lamar: 19:24

And I online dated and I met my husband, who lived where I currently live. So, however many states away from Nevada, missouri is and you know I'm the I'm the gal that used to make fun of Missouri. You know it was called. No, it's really misery. I mean, we know those, but you know those. You know pioneer stories about Missouri, that's not good and met him and and long distance dated for a year and got married and moved and I thought, okay, well, this is interesting. I'm 52. And I'm a newlywed. This is, this is kind of an interesting ride. And my husband had been married twice before, so I was number three and, as my sweet deceased father-in-law announced one day at a family event that I was, of all of Fred's wives like there was a hundred of them, but there was only two before me of all of Fred's wife, I was the superior one. And so I thought, yay me. So it's just kind of a little inside family thing that, of course, you know, is just very tightly held to just a few of us that heard that him say that. But at any rate, so I got married and I thought, okay, well, now, now I'm right, I I'm, I've hit it, I'm of worth, I have checked the box. This is happily ever after. And, um, then I I thought I had everything we had. Just we had moved to this property that we're living on, we had just renovated the moved to this property that we're living on. We had just renovated the house that we live in, which is 120 year old farmhouse, and we gutted it and made it beautiful and ours and new, and I'm thinking I got everything.

Sharon Lamar: 21:07

And it wasn't a month after we had moved in that I fell into a depression. I didn't know what it was. I'd never experienced that before and I was serving as stake release society president at the time and I really it was as if someone just flicked the light switch and it was off and I was in darkness and I didn't again. I didn't know what it was and it sounds odd, but I'm grateful Because it was almost like it was. It allowed me to be humble in a way that I hadn't maybe been before and to see, even in the darkness, see things different, to begin learning some lessons that were different that I now hold dear, and I want every single LDS woman to learn the same lessons that I learned. They begin to crystallize in that.

Sharon Lamar: 22:11

Oddly enough, in that darkness and through a series of events, that's how I became was introduced to life coaching. I'd always been involved in, interested in and taught in my corporate career, self-help and leadership development and all that kind of stuff, but it kind of crystallized into really understanding how this life works. And I was introduced to my mentor and teacher, brooke Castillo, and she helped me to see that there was a different way of thinking about how this life works. And then I realized, hey, she didn't invent this, this is Heavenly Father's plan, you know. This is how this human experience works. Stuff happens. We make it mean something and we feel feelings and we act out on that and we create the results that we have in our lives.

Sharon Lamar: 23:13

And one of the lessons that I really learned in this whole journey I'm backing up just a tad is, in part, of that learning from Brooke and really understanding that it was the plan of salvation and it's Heavenly Father's plan is nothing's gone wrong In all of the hard stuff. Nothing's gone wrong and there's nothing wrong with me and this is the way it's supposed to be. We're just. We just got a little confused that it was supposed to be happily ever after all the time. We're just a little confused. We think it's supposed to be garden of Eden, like when, no, no, no, no, no, my darlings, that's not what this life is about, you know, and we're just a little bit confused. And when we're confused that's when it starts to feel really icky and scary.

Sharon Lamar: 24:04

But then when we go, oh no, wait a minute, this is how it's supposed to go. I'm supposed to be stretched, I'm supposed to be challenged, I'm supposed to grow and develop and learn and to help others along the way. Now I get it, now I see clearly, and it's way less scary and way less painful. And that was one of the lessons that I learned. But again it didn't come until, you know, kind of crystallized. It was kind of there, but it's almost like Heavenly Fathers, through the Holy Ghost, is kind of whispering it, you know, and doing the little nudges and sometimes they do that little cough make you say sharon, hello, here's the real message, and we miss it until sometimes we see it, a different voice says it, and then we go oh, there it is, there it is. And so that's one of the things that I learned in my again I'm repeating myself but in that crystallization when you look back, because again, heavenly Father's not in a hurry, and I think part of it too, Alisha and Scott, is that when we experience it like that, when we look back, and it takes some time for us to learn that lesson. Then it becomes more solidified inside of us and then we can help someone else with that same kind of struggle. If it's too easy and comes too fast, I don't think that we're in a position to do that. I don't think that we really have that foundation, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, I agree, I learned to do that.

Sharon Lamar: 25:49

Like I said, I was always actively living the gospel of Jesus Christ. Living the gospel of Jesus Christ I didn't think about it this way until deeper into my single years is that Heavenly Father is not only my Father in heaven. He is my collaborative partner in my life and he's not a taskmaster. He doesn't not love me, he's not holding out on me. He's waiting for me to collaborate with him and to see all of those things in my pantry and come to him and say here's what I think I can make of this and him saying good idea, or let's wiggle it around a little bit, you know, and it does. It is a journey. Is what do I make out of this? And, um, I really love that lesson that I've learned that he's not just our father in heaven, but he can be a collaborative partner, and I think for single women and again for anybody that is feeling that disappointed because things aren't the way they thought it was going to be. But again in this narrative, I think for single women having a collaborative partner because there isn't the husband in the ideal situation with the ideal man, you still do have that collaborative partnership with Heavenly Father.

Sharon Lamar: 27:28

And I forget who gave the talk in General Conference once. I think it was in an Enzyme back in the Enzyme days, leah Hona article. I think it was in an Enzyme back in the Enzyme days, leah Hona article. And it was a single guy that prayed and was like Heavenly Father, like why am I not married? And the lesson that he learned was that Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost will just give you one little thing. He's not going to just like slam you on all the things. But the message he got clear was stop cussing. And it was just that little nudge, just that little collaboration, you know.

Sharon Lamar: 28:06

And one young woman asked you know what about me? And he said the message she got was make your bed. And you think, what does that have to do with anything, you know? And again, it's just that little peel of the onion. You think what does that have to do with anything? And again, it's just that little peel of the onion. Is really what? That collaboration? Because again, heavenly Father's not in a hurry, it's going to take some time and allowing ourselves.

Sharon Lamar: 28:27

I think too, part of the reason that Suffereth Long is the first attribute of charity which said differently is patience. I think there's a reason. That's the first one, because it takes patience on both ends. Heavenly Father is definitely going. Patience. You know he is waiting for us and he's patiently waiting. And then we have to be patient with ourselves and also patient with Him. I think that that's I've come to realize. I think that that is one reason that it's the first attribute of all the attributes of charity.

Sharon Lamar: 29:06

Eventually, the lights went back on as I continued to actively live the gospel of Jesus Christ. I kept fulfilling my calling as Stake Relief Society president. I kept Christ. I kept fulfilling my calling as Stake Release Society president. I kept praying, I kept reading my scriptures. The only thing that I regret that I didn't do and I think it's part of that silent narrative is I didn't tell anybody. I didn't tell my husband, I didn't tell the women I was serving with. I didn't tell the women I was serving with. I didn't tell anybody, and I think that that kind of is twofold. I think that that is Satan, and I also think it is the narrative of there's something wrong with me and who wants to say to someone I think there's something wrong with me, say it out loud. And so I think that that was part of it.

Sharon Lamar: 30:04

But I was led to and introduced to Brooke and introduced to her teachings about this human experience which, as I said earlier, was really Heavenly Father's plan of salvation. She didn't know it, but I know, even without saying that I thought something was wrong with me and without ever having met Brooke, she knew and she knew how to help me because of her own work and her own story that brought about what she taught her students and coached the women that she coached. And that is what inspired me, because it helped me so much that I decided after that depression so it was just five years ago that I said, ah, now I see, here's my pantry, fridge and freezer. Now I see what I can make with this. And so I dove in to learn everything I could from Brooke.

Sharon Lamar: 31:30

But simultaneously I dove deeper into the scriptures than I ever had in my life and began to really studying things, like you know, the very first commandment that Adam, or that Heavenly Father gave Adam and Eve to be fruitful, multiply and replenish and to look at it and be willing to look at it and say, ok. So on its face, we all think that that means let's have babies and populate the world, but I think one of the lessons I've learned I don't think I know is to continue to ask the question what else? What else could that mean? What else is there for me? And so that was something that I learned in collaboration with Heavenly Father, when I really saw that he was not just my father in heaven, but he was my collaborator, partner, and sometimes, always, they pull in somebody else. That's a human that we see. Oh, we go, go. Ah, there it is. Because every ghost whispers, he doesn't yell. So sometimes we need somebody who says it a little bit louder that we trust. And then we get it we go. Oh, there you go, there we go.

Sharon Lamar: 32:48

And so I learned that being single or whatever it is well, let's just stick with that. Being single is nothing more than just a statistic about me. It's my marital status, that's all it is. It told people at that time that I was single, that that was it, that I was single. It didn't tell them how everything else that was in my pantry, fridge and freezer it didn't tell them anything about that. It just told them that I was a party of one at dinner, you know, there was no plus two or plus one kind of thing. It was a party of one and it didn't mean I was less than or that I was somehow broken or anything else.

Sharon Lamar: 33:40

And that's one thing that I really hope that if those single women that are listening, or the single women that will listen, because someone else listening knows them and loves them and says, hey, give a listen. That they come to understand that and I know that that can seem shocking or never heard that before Like, wait a minute, that's all it means is just my marital status, yes, that's all it means. And it's not how many babies you have or whether or not my kids are on the straight and narrow, or what house I live in or anything else. That's all outside stuff that is easy to believe our worth. But it's so fleeting and it's so fluid, and the steady one is the one that comes from Heavenly Father and comes from your own knowledge about who you are and the belief of who you are, and that only comes from understanding.

Sharon Lamar: 34:44

There is nothing wrong here. Nothing's gone wrong. You're not broken. You're a daughter of God and you're living a human experience, and this is the way it's supposed to be. And I love you, says Heavenly Father, and I will help you and all these other people that are out here doing the same thing as you. They're there to help you too. Now look in your fridge and in your freezer and in your pantry. What are you going to do to help all the people as well? And that's a lesson that I learned. It's just kind of funny as I'm thinking about it right now. Guess what? My darling it's not all about you.

Sharon Lamar: 35:27

There's every other person on this planet that has been or will be that. It's about them as well. And I would say, lastly, I would say that I learned self-confidence not in the way that we think of self-confidence as arrogance or anything but self-confidence. The way I was taught and how I've come to believe that really what it is, believe that really what it is and it is. It's not knowing what's coming, but it's knowing it's not knowing everything.

Sharon Lamar: 36:10

That Heavenly Father not that he makes things happen. I don't subscribe to the predestined type of thing that we're just pawns on a chess board, right, or yeah, we're not pawns on a chess board. We have, we're collaborators with Heavenly Father and that agency is there. But we also know that he can see the beginning from the end, which is quite mind bendy and fascinating to really kind of noodle around. But I know that because I am a daughter of God, I have divine DNA, which means when I think about the whole natural man thing as an enemy to God, it's when we think about life, in that it's the outside world that's going to bring me my worth, world that's going to bring me my worth. That's. And we fall prey to the easy temptations and binging and whatever else it is that keeps us distant from God. It's when we tap into that divine DNA of really knowing who we are. I mean really knowing, believing in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but also believing them. When they say you're my daughter, you're my son, when they say that, they don't mean everybody else except you. They mean you. You are my daughter, you are my son.

Sharon Lamar: 37:49

So that self-confidence is the way I teach it to the women who work with me is your ability to feel any feeling that comes along and Heavenly Father gave us, like I'm going to say, 3,000 plus feelings were part of that creation of our spiritual being and that we can feel any of them, and he wants us to. It's not just let me stay in the middle here and be happy. Let me experience the range of humanity, let me feel it all. You know, we learn that where you know there's an opposition and all things, you can't know those sweet without those, you know the sour, all that kind of stuff. Same thing and that's one of them is to be able to feel any emotion and to know it's going to be just fine. Heavenly Father's there, created those emotions and those feelings and you're going to be just fine, they're not going to kill you, it's just a feeling, and let's feel them.

Sharon Lamar: 38:37

And then also to know that I can trust myself and trust my choices because of my collaborative effort with Heavenly Father. He is guiding me, he is directing me, not telling me what to do, but giving me some really good counsel and helping me see things I didn't see before. That I then can trust my choices and trust myself. And then, lastly, is to know that I'm of worth. To when I wonder about that, to turn back to what I began learning in primary and then learned as I crystallized things that I am a daughter of God, I am of worth. He loves me. It doesn't matter my marital status, I matter just as much as the next woman sitting in early society with 10 kids and the perfect husband who's a bishop. It doesn't matter. We're all on equal plane, and I think that's what I hope most that the women hear. And then I lied.

Sharon Lamar: 39:41

There is one last thing, if I may. I think the answer to any question or any problem, and we learn it from the Savior when he taught the first and second great commandment to love God, to love your neighbor and to love yourself. We sometimes miss that part about love yourself and you know how everything hinges on. That is love, and I have come to learn through my experience that anytime I have a question like what am I supposed to do next? The answer comes right there it's love. What am I supposed to do next? The answer comes right there it's love. What am I supposed to do next? Whatever, it is love. What am I supposed to do to strengthen this relationship? Love how do I help someone else? Love it always comes back to that and it comes back to that for ourselves, and I think that that's unfortunately something that we often forget, that we think that love has to be an outside job, but absolutely is an inside job. And so my whole single journey kind of crystallized into those lessons that brought me to where I am.

Sharon Lamar: 41:10

As I looked in that pantry and that freezer and that refrigerator and I collaborated with Heavenly Father what am I supposed to do? And the first thing was learn what Brooke taught you, learn what you found when you found Brooke. And then he started nudging me and saying hello, I want you to start a podcast, and I didn't have any idea how to do that, but then, like he always does. He gives you the person that helps you to do it and then you do it and um, then I always knew I always knew Alisha and scott that I wanted because of my pantry fridge and freezer, because of my pantry fridge and freezer my audience would be single LDS women, because I was one of them for so long and still in my heart I am one of them and, be they never married or divorced or widowed, whatever it is that I want them to know and understand. What I know and understand and yeah, that's my story and the things I learned.

Alisha Coakley: 42:31

So I have a question, because I love the lessons that you were sharing with us today, but I really liked how, at the beginning, you had said whether you are a single LDS woman. Beginning, you had said you know whether you are a single LDS woman or you know and care for someone. Like there's going to be something there that we can take away from this. So my question to you is during your time when you were single, were there things that were said by other women that that kind of just just hurt that you know what I mean? Like whether they intentionally meant it or not. Like how do we be better? I guess is really my question right? Like, what are some things that we can say differently so that we can be true to ourselves and honest about our feelings, about you know how wonderful motherhood is or whatever else, but at the same time, be, you know, kind and loving towards people who don't have that or may never have that or don't have it anymore for whatever reason.

Sharon Lamar: 43:29

Yeah, yeah, you know, and I don't think. I don't think when anybody says anything in Relay Society they're intentionally trying to be hurtful or anybody does any of that kind of thing. I I'll. I'll give you a brief story as an example where somebody really said something that had it been pre my crystallizing everything, I would have been hurt and I would have carried that interaction around in my brain and it rattled me for a long time, probably forever. But now I look at it and I'm fascinated. Um one of the I to answer your question just really quick before I tell that little situation is Alisha? I don't think is Alisha, I don't think again, I think that nobody does it on purpose and often you know like, like to sit down and have a lesson with all the married people. Here's what you do when you don't say to a single person, I think is just really not going to help happen. You know what I mean Because they're thinking what are you talking about? Know what I mean Because they're thinking what are you talking about? But it's more to the single woman. How do I respond to that? What do I make that mean? This woman said this in a release society. What do I make that mean about me. That's where the power is for the single sister. I can't change them, but I can change my thoughts. But as an example, one time that it really kind of could have spun me, but it didn't, because I was fascinated by it, because I already knew what I knew.

Sharon Lamar: 45:11

There was one of my dear friends. Her daughter-in-law was visiting and she comes every summer and so I know her to a degree because she comes every summer. So all these years I've known her in and out of. She's come for summer to see her mother-in-law. And one day we were out in the foyer after church and this one let's just call her Mary, that's not her name, but let's say Mary Mary comes up to me. We're just chit-chatting, you know how you do standing out there waiting for whoever your people are to get in the car and go home and have Sunday dinner. And Mary says to me so you never had kids of your own. And I said no, I never did. And she said, man, there is nothing more than I wanted than to have kids. And she is, she's married and has two beautiful children. Nothing more than I ever wanted to have kids. I would have done anything, anything to have babies. I mean, did you ever just think about like adopting and just you know, just do it on your own? And I remember saying no, that really never occurred to me because I knew that if I was going to have children I was going to have it. It's going to have children with the man I wanted to have these, you know, set up for the best success possible than just doing it by myself. And she just kind of kept going on and on about how she just could not have done it that way. She just there's no way that she wouldn't have done everything to have children. And I remember just thinking this is so fascinating she is way more upset about me not having kids than I am, you know, and it's not that I didn't want them, but it was just it's fascinating how it seems that they're more concerned that the narrative didn't play out than I'm concerned about the narrative didn't play out, and so I don't know if that answers your question, but it's just kind of curious how fascinated some people are about that.

Sharon Lamar: 47:18

I remember meeting my husband's youngest daughter. She got married and had her first baby at 20. And I remember when I first met her, when I came to St Louis to visit my husband and we were dating long distance, like I said, and we were sitting at a table. She had her little boy with her at the time, her first child, and she was pregnant with number two. And my husband and her husband had gone off to get food or some I don't know buffet type thing or whatever.

Sharon Lamar: 47:53

And I remember her saying to me so you never had kids of your own?

Sharon Lamar: 47:57

Like I just can't imagine. This is the most wonderful thing ever. I mean, like how did you never have kids? And I remember thinking this is so fascinating. I thought to myself, I said, well, I'm 52. And you know, I lived at the gospel, so I didn't have sex outside of marriage. Therefore, we can do the math. Therefore no babies.

Sharon Lamar: 48:24

But it's just interesting how fascinated people are when what we all have thought is the happily ever after isn't occurring and it kind of is a little disturbing and I think maybe it's because it kind of rocks their boat a little bit Like wait a minute. Maybe it isn't as solid as maybe I thought, maybe it is a little bit more fluid, this whole human experience and it isn't all mapped out that there's lots of ways that people are doing this thing that we call the plan of salvation. It's the same plan for everybody, but everybody's story is different. Their path is different, but it's the same plan for everybody. But everybody's story is different. Their path is different, but it's the same plan. We just have different stories that we're telling and it doesn't mean anything's gone wrong, right.

Alisha Coakley: 49:15

Well, I really like that you kind of put the responsibility back on the person, cause I'm I've always been a big believer that, like that you don't get offended, right. Like like the other people don't offend you, but you choose to be offended type of thing, right, and like other people, don't hurt your feelings. You choose to let your feelings be hurt, and I know that there's to a certain degree. Like you feel what you feel, right, like. There are times when, like the feeling just comes and you're like, oh, but it's, it's not so much about what you feel you feel, it's like you dwell on what you dwell on, you assign to what you feel. You're the one that decides is this going to be a big deal or a small deal? Just like how you're like, wow, she's more upset about me not having kids than I was. It's just fascinating.

Alisha Coakley: 49:57

So I love that you said that. I love that you kind of like turned it back around. I'm like no, like it's not really about us trying to walk on eggshells and appease everybody. It's more about us internalizing like, okay, how are we going to choose to take what's being said or not being said, or the lessons are being taught? It's like, just like with the Disney princesses and all that kind of stuff, right, like you're absolutely right, like we can look at them and be like there's they talk about Stockholm syndrome with beauty and the beast and just be quiet with beauty and and you know you have to be beautiful. Like you don't. You don't get the guy until you have the transformation like Cinderella, right and like so I can see how, yes, there are people that definitely could like you could focus on you know, whatever it is that you want to focus on. But also I've always looked at it like with I mean, I'm, I love princesses, I do too.

Alisha Coakley: 50:56

I'm like, wow, like they're so talented, like look at all the things they can do and and they're always nice. And like you never see a Disney princess who in the end, is like shunning her family and you know, like better than you and whatever else, Like it's always. It's always like she's. She shows love and compassion and you know she's not afraid to wander in the woods by herself and she's not afraid to go to the ball by herself, and she's not afraid to wander in the woods by herself and she's not afraid to go to the ball by herself and she's not afraid to try on a whole new wardrobe. So you can look at it any way you want to, but I love that you can turn it back.

Sharon Lamar: 51:28

So that was just yeah, I appreciate that. Yeah. And having said all of that and I totally agree, 100% doesn't make it easy right. No, 100% Doesn't make it easy right. We still are human beings and we still are feeling that disappointment or that shame or guilt or whatever it is, and those are uncomfortable and but it's still part of the human experience. Part of what gets tucked away in the fridge freezer and pantry is the ability to do that and still move forward, still not lose faith, still remember your divine DNA and keep on loving them, even when they're wrong about you. Keep on loving them my, I have.

Scott Brandley: 52:26

My question is more about the internal battle that you've, that you and other uh, single women and even men have probably had, where I'm sure there's been times where you've had felt bitterness or frustration. How do you balance that with with faith and just being willing to submit to God's plan?

Sharon Lamar: 52:54

Well, I don't know that there really is a balance. Like you're on a here in Missouri, the roads are very undulating, it's very up and down, there's no mountains but there's lots of hills, and it is not about trying to balance, but it's just about riding it. And there are times when, like we we were talking a moment ago about really allowing yourself to just it's okay to be mad about it, it's okay to be disappointed about it, it's okay to be, um, I'm, I really think this stinks right now and I don't like it, heavenly Father. And, um, I certainly did that, and I'm sure there were times when I knelt down to pray that he's like, oh my gosh, sure, but then you know, you have, everybody has those moments and I I'm sure that he's very accustomed to that, and but then I kept.

Sharon Lamar: 54:00

I just kept going back, scott, to what I knew. I kept going back to what I had been taught, how I had always lived actively involved, and I came to cherish, oddly enough, general Conference in a way that I would pray before and say, okay, I know that these men and these women have prepared their talks and their talks are answers to problems and prayers of people they have met all over the world and somewhere nestled in there is my answer. Because somebody else, i'm'm sure, is having my problem. And so I would go into general conference with my little notebook and I would listen to the talks and my question at the end of each talk was okay, what was the answer? What was the question that talk was about and what was the answer? And I kept finding those nuggets that I think that kept me, in collaboration with Heavenly Father, tighter than had.

Sharon Lamar: 55:06

I just succumbed to the pit of misery and endless woe. You know, the woe is me, the pity party, pity party of one, you know and instead keep coming back, back, just keep coming back and collaborating, and sometimes you'd sit through a session and get nothing and then you get it when you read it later, you know again, it's that whole patience idea, how my father's like no, sweetie, I'm not in a hurry, it's okay, you'll get there. So it's just keep riding that road, not taking the exit ramp right.

Scott Brandley: 55:43

So my other question is so children, right? Yes, so you got married at 52. That window is kind of closed for you, to you to have your own children yeah I mean, I know like I, I know what the typical church answer is is right. Like Heavenly Father has a plan, you will have a chance to have children. If it's not in the next, this life, the next life. I just want to know your thoughts on that and how you kind of came to terms with that in your, in your journey.

Sharon Lamar: 56:22

That's an interesting question that I have noodled about a little bit and I, I, I love let me preface this with I love president Oaks and I love.

Sharon Lamar: 56:41

If you really listen to him lately he has said numerous times there's a lot we don't know there's a lot we don't know and I think sometimes we think we know based on what we've pieced together, maybe from an article we read or a comment made in part of someone's talk, and we've extrapolated lots of things and then we say, oh, when I die and I've not had kids, then I'm going to actually give birth later on. I don't know, maybe somebody's got it more dialed in than I do, but I don't know that. That's not something that we just want to believe. To be honest with you, I don't know how it all works up there, I don't know. But I mean I used to kind of fantasize if I never got married, and through no fault of my own you remember that one, through no fault of my own. Then I show up in heaven and I say well, heavenly father lines up all those you know never married Nephite warriors, and they all look like Captain Moroni in the blue book of Mormon picture, and I get to pick one. You know stuff like that because that feels good. It's not necessarily gospel or doctrine, but it feels good. So I'm going to believe that.

Sharon Lamar: 58:07

So, to answer your question, scott, I don't really go down that road because I don't know that that's true, and so I just say there's a lot we don't know, and what I do know is Heavenly Father loves me and the whole point is and this may sound very radical but the point of this life is not to get married and have babies.

Sharon Lamar: 58:32

That may make some people's eyeballs spin around in their head, but it's not. The point is to prepare to meet Jesus Christ, to become like him. That's the point. Married or not, 100 kids or not, paraplegic or not, whatever it is, doesn't matter your age, your ethnicity or anything else about you. That's the point. That's the purpose of this life is to prepare to meet him and to become like him. It's not all the other stuff we think it is. So I don't to long-winded answer your question. I really don't get hung up on that one because I figure there's lots of other things that we're going to be doing up there. I have a different picture painted in my head of what we're going to be doing than sitting around eating Milky Ways and playing the harp and having babies.

Alisha Coakley: 59:31

But chocolate will be there. That's one of the things I love 100%.

Sharon Lamar: 59:41

We must have naps. Oh, so much.

Scott Brandley: 59:46

I hope that answered your question, scott yeah, yeah, that well, and I I do think that you know we're all on our own journey. Everybody's journey looks different, even if you are married or single or whatever. Everyone has their journey. No, no two journeys are the same.

Scott Brandley: 1:00:09

No lessons learned are the same, but, like you said earlier, god loves all of us the same and he wants, wants the best for us and I you know you wouldn't be able to do what you're doing now to help other single women in the church if you wouldn't have gone through that part of your journey.

Sharon Lamar: 1:00:28

Right.

Scott Brandley: 1:00:29

And. But, like you said, 30, 30 years is a long time to learn a lesson, right.

Sharon Lamar: 1:00:38

Not quite as long as the Israelites roaming around out in the wilderness, but still a long time Right, but you didn't know that.

Scott Brandley: 1:00:46

You didn't know that your life was going to be like that. And then you're 52 and you get married. And then now you see, oh God had this 30-year-long lesson I needed to learn personally. 30 year long lesson I needed to learn personally. And now that I know it, now I can help all these other women that are also going through a similar experience and I can be that instrument in God's hands to help them go through their journey.

Sharon Lamar: 1:01:16

Yeah. It's kind of like as we're going, it's kind of like as we're going through it. He's you know we're we're big believers in food storage. You know he's stocking our fridge and our freezer and our pantry with all these things. If we choose to open the doors and say, ah, now I see now, I see yeah, I'm sorry, Alisha, I cut you off.

Alisha Coakley: 1:01:36

No, you're good. I um, I was just saying, forgive me, get a little emotional, but, um, I was just saying forgive me, I'm a little emotional, but I was just thinking about, like in the temple and stuff like that, when they talk about Eve being the mother of all, and the thought that kind of came to my mind is it's really easy for us to think of motherhood in the stages of little kids, right, like us having babies and toddlers and, you know, five-year-olds and teenagers, and then just kind of growing, and then we don't really think too much about motherhood. Um, when, you know, when our moms are older and, um, sorry, my mom, um, just passed away this this week and and and I'm thinking about how, at her funeral you know, we had we had people get up and they, they shared about how she just, she just was a mom to everybody. You know, like she just she loved you and it didn't matter if you were an adult or a kid, I mean, she was the neighborhood kid. We were when like the neighborhood mom when we were younger.

Alisha Coakley: 1:02:46

But even into that, we we've had people who are in their 40s and 50s who are showing up and talking about how much of an impact my mom made, as they were adults, to them and how they just they loved that and I I think it's kind of beautiful in a sense that you know what, like even us, grownups need moms too, and that's kind of what you're doing sharing with your life, coaching and stuff is you are being a mom to these adult women who need their mom in some way shape or form and not to replace need their mom in some way shape or form, and not to replace, but you are fulfilling that, that role to be a mother to all.

Alisha Coakley: 1:03:29

It just looks a little bit different and and it doesn't make it any less beautiful or less important, I can tell you. You know just having lost my mom this past week, it's just so. It's so weird being like who do I talk to now for two?

Scott Brandley: 1:03:43

hours, you know what I mean.

Alisha Coakley: 1:03:48

Like who am I going to call and complain?

Sharon Lamar: 1:03:54

about my husband and my mother 20 years ago, this coming December, and so I know that that still is there.

Sharon Lamar: 1:04:06

I still I understand that and you know and I think about and I appreciate your compliment and your way of thinking about what I'm doing and I I think the same and I think about women like Sherry do I think about Sharon Eubank and Kristen Yee and Mary Ellen Edmonds and Barbara the last name has gone out of my mind I think of all of those I call them celebrity LDS women that are single and never married, and how could we possibly think that something has gone wrong in those women's lives?

Sharon Lamar: 1:04:53

How could we think that there's something wrong with them? And they have multiplied what they have shared with humanity and they have replenished the earth with love and wisdom to women and empowerment and examples of yes, you may never get married and it's going to be just fine, it's going to be just fine, it's going to be okay. Heavenly Father's got you. And the whole point is, you can still do everything of what this point of life is about without ever having a baby shower for you, without ever having a wedding ring on. You can still live the point of this life, and I think they're wonderful examples of that, and I just can't imagine that Heavenly Father sees them anything less than who they are and how we see them.

Scott Brandley: 1:05:54

They're definitely mothers. I love that. I love that. Wow. Well, this has been awesome. Sharon, thank you so much for your thoughts and your insight and being willing to share that with other people. I think that's really inspirational. I'm sure you do too, Alisha, can you share any final thoughts that you might have about your experience and anything you'd like to share to help those that are watching?

Sharon Lamar: 1:06:29

I guess. I guess I've kind of beat the drum a little bit and I'll beat it one more time, but the the thing I think, if people listening a single woman or not, is the takeaway is nothing has gone wrong and there's nothing wrong with you. And I know that that can be hard to hear sometimes, like wait a minute, no, no, no, something is terribly wrong here. It has all gone wrong. This is not what I was told was going to happen, but I promise nothing has gone wrong. I, I wish that with every fiber of their being, that they could know that that they, their you know path is just different and they can still have everything of what the point of this life is. Nothing has gone wrong.

Sharon Lamar: 1:07:25

Yeah, that's what I would say would be, and I would, if I may, I would extend an invitation to the single women that are listening, or the person who's not a single woman but knows one, because everybody does. Is that they? I I'd like to, if I may, offer two ways that they can continue to connect with me and let me mother them, to use Alisha words. So let me mother them either through my podcast, which, again, the title of it is the single Chris or, I'm sorry, the single LDS woman. And so easy to find the single LDS woman and they can also, if they choose to. I over I've been podcasting for this. Coming November will be two years that I'll been podcasting my show and I put together a this summer, a summer rewind playlist of the top five fan fave episodes of my show.

Sharon Lamar: 1:08:35

And if listeners would like to get a downloadable, click and play copy of that playlist, because you know, even though it's summer, we don't stop growing and learning and developing and striving to be closer to Heavenly Father and everything. But in my podcast I give practical tips and tools just to help, really for two reasons. Number one, to help you really see that nothing's gone wrong. You're just confused, you think something's gone wrong, but it's just a little bit of a confusion. So I'm going to help you get unconfused and then also, with that clarity, teach you what I know about self-confidence, so that you can navigate this LDS singledom with more clarity instead of confusion. Singledom with more clarity instead of confusion. And they can do that by going to Sharon I'm sorry, sharonromarcoachingcom forward, slash insider and join my insider community and right away that playlist gets sent to them to their inbox. I hope that's okay to share those two ways that if people want a little more Sharon mothering, I got you covered.

Alisha Coakley: 1:09:42

I was actually just going to ask you. Just let our listeners know that we'll put the links in the in the description too for you, so they can easily just click. Thank, you.

Sharon Lamar: 1:09:50

I appreciate that. Yes, yes, thank you yeah.

Alisha Coakley: 1:09:56

All right. Well, thank you again, Sharon, for coming on today and for just giving us some different perspective and for giving us a little bit of motherly love. We really, really appreciate that. You're welcome, thanks for all the success on your podcast and with your coaching and with anything else that Heavenly Father feels like you need to be doing in order for you to fulfill the purpose that he has for you. So thank you for coming on. Thank you to all of our listeners for tuning in.

Scott Brandley: 1:10:25

Yeah. And everybody, go and hit that share button, do your five second missionary work for the week. Let's get sharing story out there so we can help reach other people that need to hear this message. And if you have a story that you'd like to share, go to latterdaylightscom or email us at latterdaylights at gmailcom, and we will have you on the show as well.

Alisha Coakley: 1:10:51

Okay, awesome, All right guys. Well, that's all we have for today. We'll see you guys next week on another episode of Latter-day Lights. Talk to you later.

Scott Brandley: 1:10:59

Thanks Bye-bye. Episode of lottery lights. Talk to you later. Thanks, bye.