Finding Light After Loss - A Story of Faith and Hope: Sunshine Harston's Journey - Latter-Day Lights

 How do you find hope in the midst of unimaginable loss?

In this episode, we sit down with Sunshine Harston, a mother of three who faced the heartbreaking loss of her husband to cancer.

Sunshine’s story is one of incredible faith, where even in the darkest moments, she found grace, strength, and unexpected blessings.

Join us as Sunshine shares how she turned her deepest heartache into a testimony of light and love through the healing power of the gospel.
 
You won’t want to miss this inspiring and uplifting conversation.

*** Please SHARE Sunshine's story and help us spread hope and light to others. ***

To WATCH this episode on YouTube, visit: https://youtu.be/bbsK3_pUWzI

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Chapters

• 0:00 Transforming Tragedy Into Blessings
• 7:39 Unexpected Challenges of Marriage and Health
• 19:34 Preparing for the Inevitable
• 29:36 Children Seeing Angels Before Passing
• 36:21 Heavenly Father's Guiding Hand
• 44:35 Evolving Perspectives Through Loss
• 53:00 Seeking Recognition and Comfort Through Grief
• 1:04:18 Navigating Grief and Finding Strength
• 1:12:36 Healing With Mind, Body, Spirit
• 1:21:38 Sharing Light Through Personal Trials

Transcript

Scott Brandley: 0:00

Hey everyone, I'm Scott Brandley.

Alisha Coakley: 0:02

And I'm Alisha Coakley. Every member of the church has a story to share, one that can instill faith, invite growth and inspire others.

Scott Brandley: 0:10

On today's episode we're going to hear how a tender young mother learned that even after the loss of her husband, god could turn her darkest tragedies into some of her biggest and most beautiful blessings. Welcome to Latter-day Lights. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Latter-day Lights. We're so glad you're here with us today. We're really excited to introduce our special guest, sunshine Harston. Sunshine, welcome to the show.

Sunshine Harston: 0:47

Hi, thank you so much for having me.

Scott Brandley: 0:49

That is an awesome name, by the way.

Alisha Coakley: 0:51

It is it just makes you smile.

Scott Brandley: 0:56

It just makes me happy saying it, I mean you must just be like happy all the time because people just say sunshine everywhere you go.

Sunshine Harston: 1:04

I wish People who have known me will kind of tease me and say like, oh, your solar flares are coming out or, you know, it depends oh, that's awesome.

Alisha Coakley: 1:15

Well, and I can't remember I could be making this up, but didn't you have a sister that's also named?

Sunshine Harston: 1:21

yeah, so I'm the oldest of four, but my sister that's right underneath me, her name is Cherish, so we have the unique name.

Alisha Coakley: 1:29

So I'm Cherish. Yes, it reminds me of almost, like you know, flower power.

Sunshine Harston: 1:34

hippie is kind of but my parents were not you know I am a little bit, but my parents were not.

Alisha Coakley: 1:43

That's awesome. Well, I love it and you definitely have, you know, made us smile already, and so I'm super excited for you to be here and to share your story with our guests. But before we get into all of that, sunshine, do you want to just tell everyone a little bit about yourself?

Sunshine Harston: 2:01

Sure, I am a mom to three kids and four bonus children. I currently live in Michigan. We just moved in January to the Kalamazoo portage area. I love to be outside, whether it's hiking or biking or being with my kids, or I mean you name it. I love yoga and dance and reading, and I'm a big foodie. I love trying out different restaurants and cultures from all over the world, so if I could have a private chef that cooked me food from a different location, I would be so happy.

Scott Brandley: 2:40

Sign me up for that one.

Alisha Coakley: 2:41

Yeah, I wouldn't even need culture like just private chef here. You could make me like eggs and peanut butter and jelly every day, as long as I don't, Right, I wouldn't even need culture Like just private chef period. You could make me like eggs and peanut butter and jelly every day. As long as I don't have to, I don't care, I like.

Sunshine Harston: 2:51

I'm like give me Thai food, or give me Chinese food, or I want you know South African, or I just I love foods from around the world.

Alisha Coakley: 2:59

That's awesome. I'm not that brave, unfortunately. I'm not that brave, unfortunately. I'm very picky. I can't even eat like hot salsa, like that's like medium like cuts me off. I'm like I'm done. So, Scott, you can do that, though You're good with like.

Scott Brandley: 3:14

I'm not a super spicy person, but I do like different types of foods.

Alisha Coakley: 3:18

I'll try stuff. Scott's more cultured than I am. He has traveled some of the world. He actually lived in Africa when he was on his mission, and then Scott's visited a couple different countries as well. Where did you go? Was it Guatemala?

Scott Brandley: 3:35

No, yeah, I've been to Guatemala.

Alisha Coakley: 3:37

Guatemala.

Scott Brandley: 3:37

Yep, I don't know Other places.

Alisha Coakley: 3:43

I've been to.

Scott Brandley: 3:43

Africa, a couple times Portugal.

Alisha Coakley: 3:45

You guys went back to been to.

Scott Brandley: 3:46

Africa a couple times.

Alisha Coakley: 3:47

Portugal. You guys went back to Portugal too.

Scott Brandley: 3:49

I've been there.

Alisha Coakley: 3:50

Canada. That's a totally different country.

Scott Brandley: 3:57

That's really exotic. That's where I'm from originally. I forgot where I was from Canada Canada. That's funny. Well, Sunshine, we are super glad you're here with us. I don't know a lot about your story, other than what we've just kind of talked about a little bit before the show. But the floor is yours. Why don't you tell us where your story begins?

Sunshine Harston: 4:22

So my story begins in the summer of 2007. I was single. At the time. I was 22 years old and at the time I was going to school and I was working, and I was born and raised in Colorado and at the time my grandmother, for several years, had been trying to set me up with this guy that was in her ward For a couple of years. I just put her off and said that I wasn't interested. Her nickname for me is Sunny.

Sunshine Harston: 4:57

I remember one day she called me it was August or September of 2007, I think at the Um and she convinced me to at least meet this guy and she was trying to tell me about who this, who this guy was. So I said you know, I'd go on a date with him. We, um, he eventually called me. It took him a couple of weeks or I think, maybe even like a month or two, before he finally called me. He called me, we decided to meet up, we had our first date and it was awful. We just, you know, we did not hit it off very well, at least for me. Um, it was like a thanks but no thanks situation. But you know, I kind of you know, we'll try anything once. So you know, it was nice to say.

Sunshine Harston: 5:37

But he asked if he could, you know, keep my number and we could hang out from time to time. And I was like sure, that's fine. So he would text and he would call and, um, I would talk to him and you know, we would, uh, hang out like in groups, like what there was, like a young single adult activity, we would meet up, but there just wasn't anything there and, um, he would just keep calling me and asking to hang out and we became friends over time but I was never interested romantically. So because there was just not a lack of, you know, there was such a lack of interest. He got to see all the different sides of me, you know. He got to see the grumpy side and you know rolling out of bed and you know going and grabbing breakfast side, and your solar flares right.

Sunshine Harston: 6:22

Yeah, and you know, kind of just exposed everything because there wasn't anything right. Yeah, and you know, kind of just exposed everything because there wasn't anything to try to impress, you know, impress him with. And Thanksgiving comes around and we ended up slowly becoming good, like really good friends, and hanging out and he would come over to my house and you know we'd hang out after I came home from work and he worked graveyards and so we would hang out and, um, I remember waking up, uh, christmas, not Christmas Thanksgiving and all of a sudden I woke up having feelings for this guy. His name is Matt and I had feelings for him and I just thought, what in the world? Like I it wasn't anything like my feelings were developing or over time I literally had no feelings.

Sunshine Harston: 7:07

And I woke up Thanksgiving, christmas, you know, thanksgiving day and it was like all of a sudden I was like in love with the guy, like I couldn't wait to see him and I wanted to tell him that I loved him. And it was like I was just boom, like feelings are there and I was so nervous to say anything but I kept texting him saying, oh, are you going to come over? I want to see you, and he was really surprised because this wasn't the type of reaction he ever got from me, because it was just we're cool, we're friends, like hey, I'll see you later, no big deal. And he came over and his you know, I think his wish, he was just so excited because he had had feelings for me this entire time but I was just like nope, not interested. You know, he would ask to like give me a hug. It would be like a pat on the back type thing, like bye, see you.

Sunshine Harston: 7:55

So when he comes over and I wait for everybody to kind of go do their thing because I had siblings that were home at the time and you know like we're having Thanksgiving, you know festivities of activities I tell him that I'm in love with him and his eyes almost just want to pop out of his head Like he's so excited. He like can't believe, almost like where's the camera? Is there a hidden camera? I'm being punked.

Sunshine Harston: 8:17

And I was like no, like I have feelings for you, I love you. And he was just like, really Like, he was just so excited and so then he asked if he could kiss me and I was like okay. So on the same night he got, you know, a first kiss and he got told that he you know that I loved him. We got engaged. Yeah, we got engaged a couple months later. So we got engaged in January and we got married in April. Um and the Denver temple. And we got married in April in the Denver Temple.

Sunshine Harston: 8:44

Well, I previously had lived in Hawaii and loved it. I just fell in love with the people and the culture and just being out there. And so, before we'd even met, I had applied to finish my schooling at BYU Hawaii and I had gotten accepted. And I had gotten accepted and I originally was supposed to go that fall but something told me that I needed to put off my acceptance for another year and I didn't know why, but I went ahead and did that. But it was because I was going to meet Matt and get married. So we got married in April of 2008.

Sunshine Harston: 9:25

We moved to Hawaii in July so that I could finish my schooling and his background was in aviation, so he was an aircraft dispatcher and he got a job for the airlines out in Oahu and so we started our life in Hawaii. And I remember at the time when we got there I said keep your head down, I am not ready to have a kid. We're going to be married for about three years before we have children. Do not drink the water. Do not give me ideas Like we're just doing our thing, you know.

Sunshine Harston: 9:54

Like just keep your eye on the prize, like we're we're doing, we're doing us, we're just we're not going to conform to the LDS culture of boom you're married and to the LDS culture of boom you're married and we were, you know, like I was 24 years old by the time you know we got married and he was 25. So we weren't our spring chickens, you know. So, even more so, like we're not going to fit the mold of hurrying up and popping out a baby. Um, we make it to our one year anniversary, and I think it was either on our one year anniversary or the day after, I can't remember, but we found out that we were pregnant with our first, and so that was exciting and it was great and, you know, we were really happy about it. And so our oldest was born December of 2009 and her name is Eliana, and we were so excited and we were in love with her. We still are right, like we still love her, not was, but, um, you know everything that you can imagine as far as going to school, working, having a newborn, juggling, all of that. Well, she was four months old and we found out that we were pregnant again and it was a total surprise. We were on birth control, doing all the things. You didn't just drink a lot of water. You chugged it. We chugged it like it just came right. So she's four months old and I find out that I'm pregnant again and we're like, okay, we're going to roll with it. So we're doing the things and my second was born and his name is Caden, and so we have a newborn and a one-year-old. And we ended up moving when I was eight months pregnant with him because he got laid off from his job in Hawaii and so we ended up in Indianapolis, indiana, and so that's where Caden was born and he got another job with Republic Airways as an aircraft dispatcher again. So we have Caden and we have Eliana and I'm trying to juggle two kids and he's working 12-hour, you know, in the aviation industry. And he's three months old and I get pregnant with my third and I am mad, I am furious. Like Matt is like what in the world are we going to do? Like, again, I was on birth control, I was at 0.1% and it was just out of the blue. Like, how are we going to do this, you know? So we go and we're juggling and the whole entire time, like my immediate family knew and obviously the people around me knew, but nobody on Facebook or friends like I kept it to myself because I was like I am that person who was like having popping out a kid every year, like I was just mortified and I didn't know what to do. And so by the time I was about seven months pregnant six and a half seven months pregnant I was like I can't keep it in any longer. You know, like everybody's got to know. So I announced to the world that I'm pregnant, world that I'm pregnant. We have our third.

Sunshine Harston: 12:51

Well, my husband had had a mole on the back of his back that he couldn't see and all that year like it started growing and it started changing and he had moles all over his body and all throughout his life. He was, you know, getting them removed and having them checked and I didn't have any experience with it. So when other things like moles would appear, like when we were in Hawaii and first married, I would take a picture of him with my phone. I just like, hey, is this normal? He's like, oh, yeah, that's normal, that's fine, it's okay. Well, there was this one that was on his back and it just kind of started changing and looking kind of weird and I would take a picture of it and I'd be like dude, this looks kind of weird. Is this okay? Oh yeah, it's fine, don't even worry about it. I'm like, are you sure? Oh yeah, and as like weeks and months would go on, I'm like that thing is looking kind of weird, like are you sure? And he's like, yeah, it's totally fine, it's on my back, it's. It's not a big deal.

Sunshine Harston: 13:48

Well, we had our home teacher at the time. He was in residency to be a doctor and he was home teaching us. And Matt got so mad at me because we get to the point of you know, home teaching. Is there anything I can do for you? And I was like actually, there's a matter of fact, you can. And I just flip up his shirt and I'm like can you tell me and look at this and make sure that this is okay, Because this is bothering me?

Sunshine Harston: 14:03

And Matt is mad, like his face is red, and he's like furious at me and I'm like I just need a second opinion, like I am worried about this. And so he takes one look at it and he's like dude. He's like I'm not in dermatology. He's like, but that does not look good, like you need to go get that checked out, like stat, and this is like Sunday afternoon, sunday evening, and he goes to the doctor the next day and I don't me, or the kids don't go with them because he's like, oh, I'm just going to be in and out, it's going to be, you know, 20 minutes, or going to put some Novocaine on it or lidocaine, whatever you call it, and I'll be out of there. You know I'll be home in time to go to work. Well, he calls me and he tells me that he's being sent to the doctor, to the emergency room, because they're taking a look at it and he's like they're saying that it looks really bad.

Sunshine Harston: 14:52

Within a couple hours we found out that it was cancer and after some surgeries and stuff, he got diagnosed with stage four malignant melanoma. And so at the time we were like, okay, we didn't know anything about melanoma and, being in Indiana, you, you know, there weren't a whole lot of specialists that specialized in melanoma. And so we went to Colorado, where both of us were from, and we met with one of the head doctors, oncologists, that specialize and did his research specifically on melanoma. And we found out that, because there were traces of it in his lymph nodes, that it was going to be really hard to get him to a point where it was considered net, which is no evidence of disease.

Sunshine Harston: 15:35

Where a lot of people are mistaken in the world of melanoma is when you take an MRI or a CAT scan and you can't see cancer.

Sunshine Harston: 15:44

A lot of times people often think that they're in remission. And he said, with melanoma especially, he said that's what's called no evidence of disease, of no machine can pick it up, but you are at a stage three or stage four, you're considered Ned and he goes. Our goal for you is to hurry up and get you to Ned as quickly as possible, because that's going to increase your chances of living. And that's what he said. And we were like wait what? And he goes. Melanoma is one of the deadliest and one of the fast spreading cancers and one of the least funded, and we are still working on treatments of knowing how to treat it, because it's you know, when it's in your lymph nodes, it's going to spread throughout your entire body. So if we can get you to net as quickly as possible, you have just increased your chance of of being able to survive and then, once you go through five years of being med, then you can be considered cancer-free or you know, being in remission.

Sunshine Harston: 16:43

So we put him on high doses of immunotherapy. Chemo and radiation were not viable sources for melanoma, and so we did high doses of immunotherapy. And so at this point I'm eight, I'm eight, eight and a half months pregnant with our third when he got diagnosed with this. And so then, when our youngest was born her name is Eden Um, I had a newborn, a one-year-old, a two-year-old, and he was battling cancer and doing cancer treatments, and so we were able to get him to Ned, probably about 14 months after his original cancer diagnosis, and we were ecstatic. And so both of his oncologists cause he had an oncologist in Colorado and he had an oncologist in Indiana both said this is great, we're going to do scans every three months. Um, you're good to go, we just need to maintain what you're doing. And so at that point we did a lot of holistic treatments. Um, like I said, I'm kind of a hippie at that point, like in my life, like Matt was very interested in me researching the heck out of everything so that we could go more of a holistic route along with immunotherapy. And so I, the inner hippie kind of became, you know, was birthed, it came into fruition and we did really well and so for two years he he was considered med.

Sunshine Harston: 18:11

Then, in October of 2014, he went in for one of the scans his MRI and his CAT scan his CT scan and they found a very, very small part of his lung that had, you know, that showed some cancer on it, but they wanted to biopsy it. The biopsy was two weeks from the time that they found the cancer on the scan and in that time he went from one spot on his lungs to three spot on his lungs to three and it went from like a prick to the one in the original. One was the size of a pencil eraser. Just in three week sets how much it had grown. And uh, so they did a biopsy on it. It was cancer, um and so at that point they changed it to stage four, metastatic cancer, and at that point we knew that it was going to be terminal and the doctor said it's not a matter of if. Unfortunately, it's a matter of when, unless we can find an immunotherapy that's going to help kill it aggressively. But at the time this is the end of 2014, there were a couple that were in line of being approved by the FDA, that were getting ready to come out that they were starting clinical trials, but so far Matt was not a candidate for those treatment options.

Sunshine Harston: 19:34

So, january of 2015, we fly to Colorado, where we both lived and where we were from, so that he could spend a month in the hospital doing immunotherapy, a couple rounds of immunotherapy, and during that time, like it really caused him to be really sick. There were a lot of complications that we experienced and we went through a lot, but what was really interesting is at this point we did not know how long we had left, we did not know what was going to happen. It could have been years, it was going to be months, but what was really interesting is there would be different times where Matt would wake up and he would say things like oh, I got to talk to my grandma last night. I saw my grandma Um, he had both of his grandmothers at that point had passed away, and there was at one point he had woken up saying like oh, I talked to my grandma. He had both of his grandmothers at that point had passed away, and there was at one point he had woken up saying like oh, I talked to my grandma last night and he would talk about his conversation with her about how much she missed him and how much she, how, how she was proud of him and she looked forward to seeing him soon. There was another time where he said he woke up and this is probably the end of January. He woke up and he said I had a dream and I didn't see his face, but I saw the man that you're going to marry after me, whenever that is, and I saw that you were going to be taken care of and he was going to be an incredible man and he was going to take care of the kids. He was going to be an incredible man and he was going to take care of the kids. And so I just need you to know that whenever I go, whenever that is like I know that you're going to be okay and I want you to get married again.

Sunshine Harston: 21:14

And it was so interesting to me to have these conversations because we were not anywhere close of you know anything happening. You know like it was so hard for me to look at are we years away? Is this five years away? Like where are we at? In the happiest conversations, you know and I've got, you know, a newborn, a one-year-old, a two-year-old you know at home that I'm taking care of and so dealing with the emotions of all of this was really hard for me and really like it was hard for me to juggle and know what to do. And it was really interesting that as time went on the cancer continued to spread and as the cancer continued to spread the fear and the panic would increase.

Sunshine Harston: 21:59

But I remember specifically after we went to Colorado, we came back to Indiana so that we could figure out what we wanted to do and eventually he said you know, I want to move back to Colorado so we can be with family, so we can have support with the kids and everything. And that was a couple of months and I remember the kids were all taking a nap at this point and I remember sitting at the edge of the bed and I remember a voice coming to me saying sunshine, you have a choice. What is it that you want to do? How do you want to go forward? And I kind of just thought, because I knew immediately what that question meant I could either choose to freak out and be mad and be bitter and be angry and say this is a fair and go down that path, or I could choose to have faith. I could choose to believe, I could choose to put my trust in the Lord.

Sunshine Harston: 22:49

And I was terrified, I was overwhelmed, I was stressed, like I, I, I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water just with having three kids, as young as they were. And I remember saying that loud I choose you, I choose to have faith. And as soon as I said that, the voice said to me it was like in my head. The words were do you have faith for him to not be healed and for him to come home, if I need him to come home? And I said I don't want that. I don't know how I could do it. I'm barely functioning and surviving as I am. But if that's what you want for me, then I'm willing to do what you want me to do. And there wasn't any big aha moment afterwards or whatever, but I just remember feeling this feeling of like completion of just, not peace. But it wasn't panic or fear, it was just kind of like this melancholy feeling of just acceptance, of okay, it seems like we're going to go down this path, like this is inevitable. But again, at this point it's about March and we don't. I don't know what's ahead of me or what's what's going on.

Sunshine Harston: 24:04

We moved back to Colorado a month later and at that point we find that the cancer has spread to his brain and so we began separate treatments on his brain called gamma knife, the gamma knife treatment. It was spreading really really fast that he was having issues with memory, he was having issues with his mood swings and being really tired and being really fatigued, and so it got to a point at the end of April, beginning of May, we had him stop driving and that was really difficult for him. As time went on, we got to do a family vacation with his family, with his parents, to Disneyland and we got to take the kids. In April, after we moved to Colorado, we got to go back to Hawaii. Eliana was born out there and we got to just take the family as a family to be able to go to Hawaii and be able to kind of say goodbye. Matt wanted to be able to kind of say goodbye of knowing, like I know, I'm not coming back here, and so it was really great that we got to have this family time, even though the kids were really really little they were three, four and five at this point like we got to have this family time.

Sunshine Harston: 25:11

And it was so amazing because, while things were getting more stressful emotionally, it seemed like we were coming together as a family and then other way to where, even though we were very poor and even though we struggled financially and even though there were the worries of how are we going to pay for bills and what about rent and our expenses and all the different things, it seemed like our family was coming together and being held together in a way that I'd never experienced in my life at all. There was like this peace and there was this feeling of love and acceptance and joy, and it was almost like me and Matt just had this craving urge of just wanting to stop time and savor all the moments that we had. And it was about July where I had a really I have a really dear friend where her husband also passed away from melanoma and she I went out to Utah for a conference and I met with her and she sat down with me and she kind of gave me a very blunt heart to heart conversation about sunshine when things get to a certain point. I want to give you a to-do list of things to do to help you know how to cope and know how to structure your life, because when certain things come, when that time does come, it's going to be hard to know how to function. So she, like things that were on her to-do list was go ahead and go to the store and get new sheets and get new bedding and have it washed and ready. To go Go to Costco and get buckets and put your favorite things of Max in these buckets and label them of clothes and items and personal items or hobbies or whatever. So that way, when the time comes that he's passed and you want to have things that are his, you already know what bucket or where things are at. And she just gave me this list, this to-do list of things to do. And if anybody didn't have a spouse or a loved one that was sick or was terminal, they would probably look at it and say this is really morbid, like you're kind of like wanting to hurry up and like have that person die. Like why are you, you know, preparing and doing all these things? And I didn't understand it, except for I had so much trust and admiration in my friend that I trusted her that I just did it without thinking or asking why, like, I just did it.

Sunshine Harston: 27:43

And what was really interesting is Matt was a part of that process. Like you know, he was like oh, that's a really good idea. So we started going through his things and he started getting rid of stuff, of things that didn't matter or things that he'd want Caden to have or he'd want Eliana or Eden to have. We went through his clothes of like his favorite clothes and ties that he was like, oh, I don't like those ties. Those are you clothes of like his favorite clothes and ties that he was like, oh, I don't like those ties those are. You know, let's just get rid of them and throw them out. So you know, when you're preparing to move and you're doing your spring cleaning and going through all these things, like we did all this together. And I remember at one point asking him and saying like is this really hard for you? And he goes no, he's like, if anything, this is helping me look at my life and to see the goodness that I've been able to live. And again we're at July and so we just know that he's sick and we're just kind of going through this process.

Sunshine Harston: 28:33

Well, the end of July comes and he goes into palliative care, he decides that he is not going to do any more treatments because he was having such bad side effects. At this point there was a treatment called Keytruda that had been approved from the FDA and people were able to start doing, which has been a really huge breakthrough in the melanoma world today that a lot of people have been able to have success with. But we wanted him to go on seeing if this would be a good fit for him. But he was just so sick and the side effects were so bad that they weren't able to put him on Keytruda, and so at that point that was kind of like the last hope that we had. And so at that point he said I think I'm done. He's like I am just in so much pain the side effects and having to be in bed all day are not worth it to me Like I want to spend time with my family and my kids. And so he went on palliative care and, um, this is probably I think this is like July 25th or July 23rd, it was like the last week of July.

Sunshine Harston: 29:36

Well, the 1st of August, I felt really strongly out of nowhere. I just felt really strongly that we need to have this party for Matt at the park and have people that he just loved and cared about and that were friends with him to just come and see him and be with him and just be able to kind of have the spirits raised. And so we did it and we had so many people who came and he had a couple of relatives that came out of town just so that they could see him, and he had the most amazing day. This was the. I think the. This is like April, not August 8th, I think and he, after this party, we went out to dinner, we had pizza. He crashed. He didn't go to church the next Sunday. He was just not feeling too good.

Sunshine Harston: 30:22

Monday came and he just could not get out of bed. So I got my daughter ready for kindergarten and, you know, took her to the bus stop and I remember taking my kids to the park and I took them to McDonald's and and just kind of hanging out with them so we could let him sleep. And, uh, we got Eliana from school and I remember him calling and saying hey, I tried getting and taking a shower, but I'm just too weak, I need you to come home. And so I remember getting the kids and we came in the door and they started playing and gave him a hug and they went to the room and started playing and he just was really pale and he just was really lethargic and he said to me, sunshine, I think, this is it, I think I think it's time. And I said okay, and I said do you know, do you have any idea of timing, or like what we're looking at? And he's like, no, he's like I just don't have it in me anymore. And so at that point we started hospice. I think we had started maybe maybe a day before or two days before. And so we called the hospice nurse and, you know, came in and she took his vitals and she's like, yeah, he's, you know, he's, he's, he's crashing, like he's, he's coming down.

Sunshine Harston: 31:40

And so the last month, the month of August, he was in bed and he would sleep for about six or seven hours at a time and he was just pale and he couldn't eat anything. He stopped eating and whenever he tried to move he'd get really sick and he would throw up. And what was really interesting is that whole month it seemed like as days went by, our house became more and more sacred. It seemed like whenever people would come through, there would just be this hush that would fall over people, even people that were not religious or that belonged to a faith. That people would just come into a door and it was almost like they would be hit by something. They would naturally just take off their shoes and there was this reverence that was felt.

Sunshine Harston: 32:32

And towards the end of August, beginning of September, I had this really, really strong impression that I needed to ask Eliana she was five years old at the time if she could see angels. And I thought this is a really weird impression to ask Eliana she was five years old at the time if she could see angels. And I thought this is a really weird impression to have. Like why would I need to ask her this question? Like that's really odd. And I just said, okay, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm going to do this.

Sunshine Harston: 32:58

And I went up to Eliana and I said hey, eliana, I've got a question for you. And she's like yeah, what? And I said can you see angels? And she goes oh, yes, and I go, you can. And she goes yes, they're everywhere, mom, they are beautiful.

Sunshine Harston: 33:12

And she starts describing different angels and I said well, where are they. She's like, oh, they're all over our house. And I said, well, what are they wearing? And she goes oh, they wear totally different things. There's some of them that wear white and they've got beautiful hair, and she would describe some of them. And one of the angels that she was describing was my grandmother, who passed away when I was three years old, and so I remember getting a picture out on my phone and showing it to her and she was like, oh, yeah, that's her. And, um, she would say like, oh, she goes on the bus and she goes to kindergarten with me and she, you know, she's with me and they're all over the house. And I just thought, wow, this is really interesting. So then I went to Caden and Caden was four years old, and I go, caden and they. This was separate, you know circumstances and situations, so that they weren't next to each other, fading off the same story.

Sunshine Harston: 34:01

And so I did the same thing with Caden hey, caden, can you see angels? Oh, yeah, and he would tell me in his own way of what he saw and what he experienced. And then, sure enough, with Eden, and both Caden and Eden would say, oh, they play with us. Oh, they play with you. Yeah, when we're in the room they play with us and they play games with us and they talk to us. And they talked about how some of them had wore hats or wore veils, and they would talk about different, you know, temple clothing, while other people, you know, did it. And I thought, wow, that's really interesting.

Sunshine Harston: 34:32

Well, by this time, when Matt would wake up, he would only be awake for maybe anywhere from 10 minutes to 45 minutes at a time, and it would be to talk to the kids or to me, or to get a drink of water or lemonade. But I remember, after I had this experience, I thought, okay, I need to ask Matt about this. And again, at the time I didn't know why. And I said, matt, the kids are able to see angels. Why is it that some of them see people normal and other people are seeing these angels in their temple robes? And he said, oh, it's choice, you know, it's what they choose to do. Or, unless they're officiating in a temple ordinance or doing something connected to a temple ordinance or a priesthood ordinance, then they, they, you can wear whatever. And I thought, oh, okay, well, also by this time he would just start sharing different things that he was experiencing, of what things looked like, talking about a city just being so beautiful, or about family members that had passed away, or a dog that he had that he loved, named Rocky, and he got to see Rocky, and so it became pretty clear that whenever he was asleep, he was not ever fully here. It's almost like he had one side, one foot, on each side of the veil, and so it'd be really interesting that there would be times when he'd wake up. I would just start asking him questions Well, tell me about this, or tell me about what you know about you know, and he would. He would tell me like things that he understood, and so at that point, I said, well, the kids are able to see angels. And I said so you need to make sure and come visit the kids when they are you know when when you go, so that they can see you. That'll be the way that they can communicate with you, and he kind of was like nonchalant, but he was kind of like okay, well, he ended up passing away September 19th 2015.

Sunshine Harston: 36:21

And, uh, we got to be able to say goodbye and we got to have videos of um him saying like things to the kids. And we got to um, we were able to get scriptures for each of the kids. It's my tradition that when each of my kids turned eight, that I wanted to give them their first set of scriptures, so I got their name engraved in them. But when he was awake at one point in this span over several days because of the lack of energy, but we took a picture of our hands on top of each other, on top of each kid's scriptures, and then we both took the opportunity to write inside of their scriptures and I put them away. So that way, when they turned eight and they were baptized, that they could be able to have their scriptures from us and um, I realized as I was going through this experience with him and as I was going through this journey, that the Lord was always kind of a couple of steps ahead of me, guiding me ahead of time, so like when I had met with my friend in July and she gave me this to-do list.

Sunshine Harston: 37:27

It wasn't until he was in the last month of his life that I realized oh my goodness, now I can go through. He's not going to get out of bed ever again. This is now when I go through and I get all of his stuff and I put it in the buckets. And as I was going through this process and I was putting things and labeling them and putting them away, because she said, once you get out everything in his buckets, you need to label them and you need to give them to your parents or you need to give them to somebody that you trust, to where they can put them away for you, to where they're out of sight, out of mind, but they're still accessible when you need it. And when he's not able to brush his teeth anymore, you need to get his toothbrush, you need to get his hair gel, you need to get everything and just throw it in the garbage. And that's why I made the comment.

Sunshine Harston: 38:11

Like people who were not in an experience, you know, dealing with that, they probably would have thought well, that's really rude, like you're trying to erase him. And as we were in those final weeks I started doing what she said and it was in that moment that I realized Heavenly Father had given me her as a blessing and as an answer of direction and power and prayer to me, because I realized that as I was doing these things, it was helping setting me up for knowing how to cope and how to go forward and how to live, to take care of my kids Um, when I wouldn't have, because there's so many people after the fact, like after they lose their spouse or after they lose a child, and you have their things everywhere. It's so hard to just see their things and know how do I, how, how do I go through their stuff? What do I keep? What do I do? How do how do I go forward? Like you, just it there's like this heaviness, that's kind of there, and I got to see a glimpse of that as I was going through the process and at that I remember he hadn't passed away yet, but I re, I remember very distinctly thinking Heavenly Father has been helping me this whole entire time. He's always been like one step ahead of me and a couple of weeks before he had entered into hospice I felt really impressed that we needed to go to the funeral home and we needed to make the funeral arrangements and Matt was totally on board, and so he chose his coffin and he chose the flowers and they were the flowers of the kids' favorite colors, and he wanted everybody to autograph his coffin.

Sunshine Harston: 39:51

He wanted everybody to sign his coffin and he had everything lined up so that way, when he passed away, he didn't want to have to worry about me or anybody else having to do that. Well, there were different people and family members who thought that it was really morbid and thought that it was really, um, it wasn't good to do that, cause we even brought our kids with us to do that, because we were very open with our kids, that they knew that dad was going to die and they knew that dad was sick and they knew that he was going to go, you know, to heaven and he was going to be on the other side of the veil. And we were very open with them through the promise, you know, through the whole process of everything. And so, as we were led up to these days of him passing, it was so special for me to be able to look back and see how the Lord was always one step ahead to help me, to help sucker me, so that way I could be prepared for what was coming.

Sunshine Harston: 40:47

And so he passed away September 19th, which was a Saturday, and, um, as soon as they came and they took his body, I had a set of friends who were there who hurried up and took off the sheets and they put on the new sheets and they put on the new pillow shams and I had a couple of new pictures to put up so that I could have my room redone and I immediately wanted to just go to the temple. And I went to the temple and I went and did an endowment session and I remember, as I was waiting to go through the veil, I remember so distinctly that I felt him on the other side of the veil waiting for me. I it was so strong that I, like I could feel him and I just felt this excitement and this anxiousness of like I couldn't get through quick enough. And so I remember going through the veil and I remember the minute that I get to this other side, I just, it's almost like I felt him hugging me. I just like I felt him, just, I love you, I'm here, I can't stay long, but I just want you to know like I see you and every time you come to the temple and every time you bring the kids to the temple and they get older, I want you to know that I'm going to be here, it's going to be our family time and it was so special to me to be able to have that immediate assurance and reassurance and knowledge of being able to feel him and to be able to have that opportunity to converse with him.

Sunshine Harston: 42:20

Well, the next day my kids have been staying the night over at my parents' house and my kids have came home Saturday night after I got home from the temple and I spent time with them. And Sunday came and we were on our way to go back over to my parents' house and we were in the car driving and out of nowhere, my kids go daddy, and they start talking to him as if he was in the car and they just start oh, we're going over to mama Shay's house. And then, like, they just start talking to him as if they always had and I can't pull over anything Cause I'm in the middle of a road driving and they are like, oh, dad's here and you know they were talking to me. And for the next several years until they turned about eight years old. Um, they, and for the next several years until they turned about eight years old. They got to see him and they got to commune with him and talk to him.

Sunshine Harston: 43:12

There would be times where they would say, oh, dad came and slept next to me last night, or dad came and gave me a blessing last night, or dad came and played with me today, or dad was at school with me today.

Sunshine Harston: 43:20

All three of them, when they were baptized, said like oh, dad was in the circle when I was receiving the gift of the Holy ghost. And now my kids are teenagers and we go through the temple to do baptisms for the dead and every single time each of the kids will say, oh, dad's here, or dad talked to me, or hey, dad standing over there, or I can feel him and I just been. So I'm so grateful for the opportunity that I'm for my story that I've had to be able to see from the beginning now through the end, of how the Lord had such an amazing plan prepared from the very beginning, and being able to see his hand in my life and the way that he was able to modify things for me personally, as a young mom, to be able to go through a trial that was so hard and seemed so unbearable and then, like an opportunity, that was my biggest heartache but ended up turning into one of my biggest blessings that turned me into the person that I am today. So, oh my gosh.

Scott Brandley: 44:31

That's an incredible story. Um, so I had a question about Matt. Um, yeah, did it? Was there ever a time when he was bitter or and like, how did? How was his, how did his story, did his story go from his perspective that you could see?

Sunshine Harston: 44:51

From the very beginning, there was just always this very calm acceptance of I'm going to go through it. Whatever needs to happen, I'll go through it. One thing that I always admired about him was and he wanted to do the right thing it wasn't a I'm going to fight this, I'm going to beat it, I'm going to, you know, crush cancer's face, which is a great, great perspective to have. Right Like that fight in you is such a good perspective to have, and not that he didn't have it, but it was always whatever needs to happen will happen, and I'm okay with that and he was just so good with it. Needs to happen will happen, and I'm okay with that, and he was just so good with it. The the thing that I remember the most, that has forever changed my life.

Sunshine Harston: 45:41

There was a time between that, that last month of his life, there was a night where it was I think it was about 1130 at night, maybe midnight, and he woke up and he was bawling and I thought he was in pain. And at this point I was kind of like another nurse where I knew all of his meds and I knew how much of everything to give him and I knew his pump. He had his pump, his IV pump, and so I knew the protocol, I knew what I needed to do whenever there was pain and I was taught of the different symptoms to look for and how to manage everything. Like I felt like I became a nurse. And so he woke up crying and he was sweating and I saw all the different signs that alluded to. He was in a really bad wave of pain.

Sunshine Harston: 46:23

So I went to try to work with his pump to give him a really quick dose of medicine, and he kept pushing me away, like it wasn't just like, oh, don't do it, like he was using all the strength to push me away from his IV. And I just thought like, okay, maybe I need to try Ativan or I need to try, you know something you know to inject under his tongue. And so I go to get the syringe and I start doing everything and I bring it over and he's, he's pushing it away from me. And so I'm like, okay, maybe he's thirsty, maybe his dry mouth, and so I put a straw up to him and he would push it away. And but he was just crying, like he was. He was crying really hard and I didn't know what to do, and so I just sat on the bed and I started scratching his back and I just sat there and I just kind of said a really quick prayer Heavenly father, will you please help me to know what?

Scott Brandley: 47:16

to do.

Sunshine Harston: 47:16

I don't know how to help him and I just got the feeling just be still and just just wait. And so I, okay, I'll, just, I'll wait. I don't know what I'm waiting for, but I'll wait. And for me it seemed like it was a half hour I don't know how long of a time it was that he was crying, but eventually he says something to the effect of I'm never going to walk outside again, and I just kind of was like what? And he's, he goes. I'm never going to walk on the grass again, I'm never going to feel the wind on my face, I'm never going to see the sunrise or the sunset. I am never going to go climb a mountain. I'm not going to. I can't go take you on a date. And he starts listing off like I'm never going to eat food again, I'm never going to have meat, like the very last meal that he had eaten several weeks prior was a rack of ribs that my dad had made him at his house and it was like his favorite meal. And so he's like I'm never going to have ribs ever again, or a hamburger.

Sunshine Harston: 48:18

And he starts listing off these worldly things that we experience on a day-to-day basis. That he was listing off that he was never going to do. And then he starts breaking down the kids, like Eliana at the time was in kindergarten and he's like I'm not going to see Eliana grow up, I'm not going to see her have a first boyfriend, I'm not going to be there to go through the temple with her, I'm not going to be there for prom, I'm not going to be there for her wedding, I'm not going to be there for graduation day. I'm not going to be there when Caden receives a priesthood. I mean, he goes through each of the kids. When Caden goes through kindergarten, when Eden goes to kindergarten, like he was, like I'm not going to be there, I'm not going to be able to be the one to baptize them, I'm not going to be the one to be able to, you know, give them the gift of the Holy ghost. And he was just going through all of these things. Sunshine, I should have taken you out on more dates. I should have been a better husband. Why did I make work such a big priority? Like I don't, I don't care about an airplane anymore.

Sunshine Harston: 49:22

Like aviation was his life, like anything aviation related. He was a pilot, everything. He just loved aviation. And he is like plans don't matter, it does not matter. I took so much for granted.

Sunshine Harston: 49:33

And he was mourning and he was grieving and he was having this moment of being awake and realizing what was to come and what was happening and just living in that moment was to come and what was happening and just living in that moment, and I remember just sitting there, bawling, just crying with him because there was nothing that I could do, and experiencing the side of things with him. And that moment was for both of us because for him, he was grieving and he was preparing himself to go. It was like that moment of really raw acceptance and I think it was kind of a seed that, when he was asleep or whatever, I think that there was probably more healing or maybe preparation. You know, that kind of similar like when we're praying, you know, and we have guilt and we try, you know, we work through it with the Lord. It almost seems like that that was a process, a part of the process that he was going through so that he could be ready to go.

Sunshine Harston: 50:39

But that moment was also for me because it forever changed my perspective on life. It burned something into my being, into my spirit, to where, ever since that moment, I have looked at the world completely different. I have not been able to look at things the same anymore, and it's been so interesting that now I'm on the other side of it, to where, when the kids were baptized, every single one of the kids would say, oh, this is so hard because dad's not here to baptize me, dad's not here to give me the gift of the Holy Ghost. I wish dad was here to go through the temple with me. I wish dad was here to go to high adventure with me. I wish dad was here to do that.

Sunshine Harston: 51:19

And it's been so hard to sit again and grieve and watch them go through this experience and not be able to do anything and to kind of see it come tenfold around, but to be able to see the impact that those moments and that moment has had on our family and the perspective that it's given us as far as really being able to take a step back and really focus on the things that really matter and really being able to learn what real gratitude looks like, even when things are hard, even when things are unfair, even when things don't make sense or when there's so much hardship or when your heart hurts so bad that there's still a perspective that is to be gained because of that experience that you went through.

Sunshine Harston: 52:10

So I'm so grateful that he had that experience and that I got to be a part of it, because it forever changed me. Like I, I tell people that there's two versions of me. There's a version of sunshine before Matt passed away, and there's a version of me now, since he's passed away. And you you know, depending on where you're at in my life and the how long I've known you, you kind of get a different version of who I am because of what that experience did to me.

Alisha Coakley: 52:39

Right, and what about you? Cause I mean, like, in your whole story, you seem very just like you made the choice that you were going to be faithful, you're going to trust, but I'm sure that you even had your own private breakdown moments, right? I mean, yes, yes, can you tell us?

Sunshine Harston: 52:57

There were. There were so many times Like so, by the time that Matt passed away, my kids were three, four and five years old. And so Eden, for an example, her entire life all she knew was her dad being sick. Um, there were a couple years, you know that he was fine, but I mean she was, she was an infant, you know. And um, so, the last year of his life, and realizing the journey that we were on, um, we were, you know, for people that are in the aviation industry, he was an aircraft dispatcher.

Sunshine Harston: 53:29

Like you don't make any money, like you've got to be in the industry for a long time before you start seeing, you know, money pay off. And so we were really really dirt poor, like we were really really poor and we were not able to make ends meet. And with having kids as young as they were, it was just how am I going to take care of them? How am I going to provide? How in the world, like when you're divorced you know it usually is set up to where you've got child support, you've got alimony, you've got, you know, some type of custody arrangement where you know, like both parents at some point can be able to have, you know the kids, like there's some type of you know, compensation when you're dealing with the death of a spouse. There really isn't a whole lot of compensation, you know, unless you've got you know um things set up. You know life insurance and different things set up, and you know we were young and poor so we didn't have anything set up. And so I remember so many different times just praying of do you see me, do you care about me? Are you aware of me? How is this fair, like what? Why is it that you expect of me? Um, I remember once Eden was born and you know Matt had been diagnosed, I was like I was so bitter that I had my kids so close together because I was in survival mode and I don't feel like I was able to enjoy my kids being born and being in their infancy and toddler years, because I feel like I was in survival mode and I couldn't enjoy it.

Sunshine Harston: 55:02

And I remember one time thinking like hey, mary got an angel and Alma, the younger got an angel and I could have gotten an angel. And somebody just sat down and kind of gave me the 411 of what was happening and what the plan was. I probably would have been a lot more like okay, with the situation. But I was so bitter, I was so angry and so upset and even after Matt died I think it was about a year later I hit my breaking point, to where I was just beyond in survival mode and I don't know where the thought came from, but I just kind of had this realization of you know what? I don't trust the Lord, I don't trust you.

Sunshine Harston: 55:42

And I thought you know, that's a really interesting thought to have, like why do you not trust him? And I realized it was because I felt so invisible and I felt like all the things that I'd been doing and all the sacrifices that I had made and all the effort that I put into trying to do the right things, of being obedient and listening and and doing things the way that he wanted me to, I felt like it had not done anything for me. In fact, I was beyond my capacity and I felt so alone and invisible and I felt like I just didn't matter. And so I remember approaching him in prayer and just saying does it even matter to you what I'm doing, my effort, the sacrifices that I'm doing, what I'm trying to do on a daily basis? Does it even matter to you? Because I feel like I'm doing my effort, the sacrifices that I'm doing, what I'm trying to do on a daily basis, does it even matter to you? Because I feel like I'm just one more kid that's trying to get your attention, that's wanting you to notice me, and it almost feels like you're telling me, like, just go off, it's okay, you'll be fine, don't worry about it, just be patient, just keep trying, it'll be okay. You're not always going to be in this place.

Sunshine Harston: 56:53

I felt like I was being brushed aside and I just kept saying, like I need you to show up for me, like will you please show me that you care about me, that you're aware of me? And nothing came. And I remember just feeling so betrayed and so mad and so hurt. And again I remember thinking you know what? I could just easily say I'm not going to church, I'm not doing anything else until I get some answers, because I am just at the end of my rope, I am exhausted, I am tired and I thought no, you know, it's kind of like a two-year-old who gets mad when you like, when they want a cookie before dinner, and you're like no, you can't. It's kind of like a two-year-old who gets mad when you like, when they want a cookie before dinner. And you're like no, you can't have a cookie, we're going to have dinner. And they're like fine, I'm not talking to you anymore.

Sunshine Harston: 57:36

You know, I kind of had this vision in my head and I was like I don't want to be a toddler. You know, even though I'm an adult, I don't want to be a it. I've got to show up to the table. And I got to keep talking. So I was like I'm still going to go to church and I'm going to do all the things. I'm going to check the boxes, not for the sake of crossing off boxes, but I'm going to still choose to do the things because I need to show up for me to try to find some type of resolution.

Sunshine Harston: 58:16

And it was months, it was not days and it was not weeks, it was months. And I remember finally just hitting this explosive point where there was nothing left, like several months. At the beginning of this, I thought I had nothing left and I was at my breaking point. Like now I was at my breaking point, like I was not even crawling, like I had nothing left.

Sunshine Harston: 58:29

And I remember saying this prayer like I was ugly, crying, like, praying right, like nobody could understand what you're saying, but you're crying so hard and like everything, and I was saying like I need you to step down and do something. I don't want an angel, I don't want your son, I don't want somebody through the veil, I don't want anybody else. I need you. If you care about me, if it matters to you at all where I'm at and how I'm feeling and what's in my heart and what I'm going through and what I've tried giving to you. I need you to do something for me because this pain has been so unbearable and there's nothing more that I can do. There is nothing more that I can give. I have done everything that I can and at this moment, at that moment, it was like I saw this image of a man in my mind, a man wearing like a pair of jeans and a belt buckle and tennis shoes and just like a button down striped shirt, getting out of an old beater car after a long day, going into a small, tiny house and to a wife and giving her a hug.

Sunshine Harston: 59:43

And it was almost like this image was him saying I was mortal once too, and it was I, and I don't think it was me seeing him as a mortal, but it was like this image. You're right, I've just this average guy, you know, going into an average car, into an average house with an average woman. And he said I made mistakes too. I had to learn how not to be selfish and I had to learn what pride was. And I had to learn how not to be selfish and I had to learn what pride was. And I had to learn how to be a husband. I had to learn how to be a parent and I had to learn how to provide for my family, and I had to learn how to be selfless and caring and humble.

Sunshine Harston: 1:00:25

And I understand you, because I was mortal once too. You, because I was mortal once too. And the reason why I'm God is not because it's the absence of sin or the absence of a mistake. It is because of my mistakes, it's because of my hurt, it's because of my sorrow that I was able to learn. That got me to be where I am at today. And he said I want you to come and talk to me as your dad, not as your God, even though I am your God. I'm your dad first, and I see you and I'm aware of you and I've heard you and I've been close to you, but you have needed to go through that process in order for you to know how you feel and to go through all of that so that we could be closer together. And I thought, okay, like, and it was great and I kind of was able to have a different type of relationship with them. But I thought, okay, that's, you know that that's fine.

Sunshine Harston: 1:01:26

Well, I, a couple hours later, I find myself reading the scriptures and I'm in the New Testament and I'm reading where Christ goes to be crucified and I get to the part where he experiences that heavenly withdrawal and I read the lines my God, my God, why has thou forsaken me? And at that moment, when I read that, I just started bawling and I started crying and I realized in that moment that Christ felt forsaken, he felt abandoned. Why did you leave me? Why did you forsake me? And I realized in that moment wait a minute. I'm commanded to be like my savior. I am commanded to be like my savior, I am commanded to be like Jesus Christ. And in that moment he said my God, my God, why has self forsaken me? And that moment he just gave me permission to feel forsaken and in that moment he gave me permission to feel abandoned. And it changed everything for me.

Sunshine Harston: 1:02:31

And in that moment I realized that it was okay to feel those feelings. It was okay to feel rejection and to feel sorrow and to feel grief and to feel abandonment and to feel alone and to feel confused and to wonder where the answers and the direction were. Like it was okay. It doesn't mean that I wasn't good enough or I wasn't trying, or it didn't mean that I didn't have a testimony. It meant that I was human and it meant that part of being human. You're going to feel those feelings of abandonment, you're going to feel those feelings of hurt and sorrow and grief and anger and confusion, and it's part of the journey, it's part of it. And so if it's part of it, that means that there's purpose. And if there's purpose, it means there's nothing wrong with you, there's something to be gained, there's an invitation, there's something to learn from it.

Sunshine Harston: 1:03:26

And that's when I had my aha moment, where I was able to alter and change my relationship by having duality in my life. I could say that I loved my heavenly father and I felt abandoned and confused. I could say, I had a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and I knew that there's life after death. And right now my life is not there. And it's okay that I feel that way, like I was able to have duality at the same time. And the minute that I felt that duality, I felt like I had the ability to continue to go forward. It didn't make things easier, but I felt like I had the power to have a different type of relationship with my heavenly father and with my savior, but it made things easier in a totally different way.

Alisha Coakley: 1:04:13

I love that you said it was like it made it okay for you to be human and to have those things.

Alisha Coakley: 1:04:18

Because I think at the same time, like when you had shared that with me, um, you know, the first time over the phone, the, the thought that I had was it also gave gave me maybe not me, but it gave heavenly father permission to abandon me, right, like it was all.

Alisha Coakley: 1:04:36

It was like a two-sided thing. It wasn't just okay, I could feel this way, but it was like it is okay if he leaves me alone in the dark for a while, like it is okay if he doesn't give me peace immediately on a subject. It's okay if everything doesn't fall in line perfectly and I don't have these angels singing and all this revelation coming to me that's going to pull me out of my darkness. It's okay because I know he will. I know that at some point all of it will come together, it will all make sense. It'll all make me stronger. You know, and and I think that your story is so heartbreaking to me in a way, because I feel like you had to experience grief you know tenfold what the average person who loses someone experiences. You know, like you had to experience it going all the way through and up to the death of your husband, and then all of the things after. I've only ever experienced it after.

Alisha Coakley: 1:05:34

You know, like I've never lost someone knowing that it was coming. It was always like a surprise, it was always like a wake up. And so for you to have to like carry all of that grief and burden and especially carrying it for your husband before he died, carrying it for yourself, carrying it for your kids going through it and everyone else that loved him and you know was going to feel his loss, like to see you sitting here and sharing your story with so much strength I have like 10 tissues on my desk from bawling my eyes out and this is the second time that I've heard your story and you're just. You have so much composure and grace and beauty as you share it and so much confidence and everything that's been shared that, uh, I didn't know you beforehand, but I don't imagine that anybody is that strong beforehand. You know, like before going through all those things, and so it's just a Testament to like how much darkness you did see the fact that you can sit here and you can bring so much light to your story and and give everybody permission to feel your feelings but also be responsible for your actions, right Like they go.

Alisha Coakley: 1:06:45

It's not just about being validated. Okay, that's part of it, fine, that's sure you know. That's great that you get that validation of what your feelings are. But now what? What are you going to do? What are you going to do in spite of them or because of them, or whatever you know like? Are you going to let them dictate everything that you do, say, think and feel, or are you going to move forward and and live in the end? I love, I love that so much, that duality of living in the end, cause that was one thing that I remember coming to me after my, my brother's death was um, I can, I can have peace and pain of them both at the same time, and they can both be so big that I don't have room for the other. And yet it's still coexist and that's okay, you know it's okay. So, wow, yes.

Sunshine Harston: 1:07:41

And I think you know, I think it's something that we we find and I think it's a mortal feeling, like I think it's okay that we feel this way. But I think one of the things that we find a lot through really hard times is, if God loved me, he wouldn't dot dot dot, right? If God cared about me, or if there was a God, then dot, dot, dot dot. And we unintentionally I think I don't think it's intentional, but I think we intentionally put him in a box. And one of the things that I've learned is you know, when you have darkness and you have a candle like, in order for a candle to shine at its maximum capacity, there has to be darkness, right? If you already have a lot of light and you light a candle, you're not going to notice the difference of the brightness or the ability that the candle has to shine at its capacity. And what I've learned is the Lord isn't being silent. For me, what I learned was I'm sitting in the silence with you, giving you the opportunity to grieve, to feel, to understand, without me stepping in and taking over, because I want to give you the opportunity to be unapologetically yourself. I want you to be able to be you.

Sunshine Harston: 1:08:59

And I think at times we mistake that silence or that stillness, or that darkness, or that absence of answer as he doesn't care, or I don't matter, or he's too busy for me. And it is a choice to say, okay, I'm in this dark space, I do feel abandoned, I do feel invisible. But what am I willing to choose? Regardless? Because we can choose to say I'm done, I'm out, like I'm going to distance myself, and I love that the Lord still says that's okay, I understand you can do that, but I'm still going to be here. Or we can say you know what, I'm going to choose to go through this and I'm still going to put one step at a time, and I love that he says that's okay, that's great, I'm still going to be here and regardless of the choices that we make, he's aware of it, like he gives us our opportunities to experience life, because it's exactly what we need to become the best versions of ourselves. And, as we know, every choice is going to provide a different consequence, right, a different result.

Sunshine Harston: 1:10:05

But I'm so grateful that I went through that darkness and I went through that time because I became more acquainted with him, because of the anger and because of that, like I feel like I'm able to be more blunt with him and more honest and I'm able to be more heartfelt and hey, like I know that this isn't true, but right now I'm just feeling really mad at you because I feel like you don't care about me and I know I'm like a toddler compared to where I have the you know capability of being. But this is how I feel right now and I love that. Now I'm at a point that he could say I know, sunshine, it's okay and it's okay that you feel that way. You know, like I can have that type of relationship with him and I I wouldn't be able to be there if I didn't learn to know that it's okay to feel my feelings and to be mad and to go through all of that, and I don't think I would have been able to understand and appreciate grace.

Sunshine Harston: 1:11:02

For me, the definition of grace has been the way that he compensates and the way that he works.

Sunshine Harston: 1:11:08

In my life, when I don't have the ability to do it, when I didn't have the ability to do life like there would be times where I literally would look at the clock and be like, okay, if I can just make it to the next five minutes, I'm okay, and I would live weeks that way, weeks, and at the end of the day I remember getting into my bed and saying I have no idea how I made it and I knew that there were angels on my right side and my left bearing me up and guiding me and pushing me and just somehow things came together and it was not because of me. And I realized like that's grace, that's grace, like the Lord stepping in, and I wasn't able to feel that gratitude or see it or acknowledge it without going through the dark and really gaining a testimony for myself, like we read in the scriptures, like we have to go through the awful, horrible, lonely aspects of things you know to experience the other side of it.

Scott Brandley: 1:12:18

Wow, you are wise beyond your years, Sunshine. I have to say I appreciate it.

Sunshine Harston: 1:12:29

I'm not that young of a spring chicken now.

Scott Brandley: 1:12:32

I know, but, man, you've got some good stuff. One thing that really stuck out to me was when you said, when you were talking about that Heavenly Father is your God, but he's your Dad first. And when I pray, I mean I know he's my Heavenly Father but I've never called Him Dad. But to me, like my dad passed away a couple years ago unexpectedly, and like Dad is a sacred word to me and I didn't realize it until you said that just how sacred the word Dad is to me and I hadn't you know that he is my Dad first and I really appreciate that insight. That touched my heart.

Sunshine Harston: 1:13:15

Thank you.

Scott Brandley: 1:13:16

Along with everything else you said, but like that one really got me.

Alisha Coakley: 1:13:20

Thank you, yeah, it's very true. Well, I'm, I'm curious, and I'm sure a lot of other listeners are curious too. So obviously it's taken, you know, years of going through and and kind of reliving some grief. And I'm, I know that the grief changes, you know, you become stronger and more capable of getting through it. But what, where are you at now, you know, do you want to kind of fill us in with it's been how many years now? 10?

Sunshine Harston: 1:13:50

Yeah, we're at September will be 10 years since he's passed. I am so grateful. I feel like when I was going through it, I was 30 years old at the time, so I feel like I was super young to you know, to be a widow, a young widow, a single mom. But I have been blessed with such an incredible opportunity where, at the time, I had a Facebook group and I had thousands of followers and I felt really impressed as we were going through things the Lord would tell me to share experiences that we're having. There were so many different experiences that we had that I haven't shared but that I felt impressed to share.

Sunshine Harston: 1:14:29

And after he passed away, I was constantly, and even to this day, you know this. Last week I had somebody that reached out to me. People reach out with you know, like looking for support, for bereavement. You know like, oh, my, my sister's husband passed away. Would you mind, you know, reaching out to my sister and talking, or you know any? There's been a lot of opportunities to support and help and I've been really, really, really grateful for that. But I think the thing that's been really incredible for me is, when I was going through all of this, the question that I had to the Lord was how am I going to provide for my children? How in the world am I going to go out and work in corporate America and provide for my children, because my kids were so young that I was like any money that I make in corporate America, it's going to go towards daycare. And how in the world can I be there for them? Because I have to be both mom and dad to them.

Scott Brandley: 1:15:27

And the.

Sunshine Harston: 1:15:27

Lord kept telling me you're going to be able to provide, you're going to be able to provide and through you know, I told you like once Matt got diagnosed, like I was, like I kind of turned into this hippie. Well, what the Lord did is, originally I had gone to school because I wanted to be a therapist. I wanted to work in family and marriage therapy and I've always loved behavior and I've always understood and had this like craving to just deep dive into working with people and trauma and wounds, and it's always just fascinated me and it's something that comes very naturally to me of understanding how behavior works and what triggers things and the ins and outs of all of it. Well, as Matt was sick, I started getting introduced to different modalities like hypnotherapy and yoga and meditation and essential oils and Chinese herbs and Ayurveda and energy medicine and all these different modalities. And as time went on, the Lord would say, hey, I want you to get certified in this modality and hey, I want you to understand this and I want you to take this and I want you to take this class and I want you to get the certification. And as time went on, I just thought like, oh, this is really good Like I'm just putting it in my toolkit for my family, you know for better quality of life for all of us. You know yoga is good for all of us and hypnotherapy is great for the. You know accessing the unconscious brain and I understood the benefits of it.

Sunshine Harston: 1:17:01

It wasn't until after he passed away and I was working on certain certifications that he said I want you to be able to provide healing for people, and he started enlightening my mind and I started seeing that when it comes to healing, it affects the mind, the body and the spirit. And so he started showing me that when you're dealing with deep-rooted wounds, for an example, and you're looking at behavior, you can address things like you do in talk therapy, but you also have to look at the trapped emotions that are inside of the body. You can look at the physical symptoms that the body is showing you and how that's affected. You can see the belief systems and the patterns in the brain and the things that we tell ourselves play a lot into our trauma, into our wounds, and so, with each modality that I was learning and becoming certified, it was almost like a piece to a puzzle with like spiritual gifts that I had that he was showing me, you can help people heal from a multidimensional way rather than just using traditional talk therapy, the way that you know, like you typically see in. You know when you go to a therapist.

Sunshine Harston: 1:18:11

And so, as I was working and with each modality and with each certification, you know I would need hours, you know, to get certified. You know, and I would have to work on my internship of working with people and you know I would need hours, you know, to get certified. You know, and I would have to work on my internship of working with people and, and you know, building up my hours and as I would work with people, I would be able to start seeing where paths and things cross together. And he, the Lord, showed me like this is what I'm wanting you to do for a business. And so nine years ago, eight years ago, I opened up my own practice as a holistic practitioner and I have the ability to help people or teenagers or couples heal from deep wounded, room wounds and trauma, but I focus on the mind, the body and the spirit connection through all of that. So that's been so fun and it's been really rewarding for me to be able to do that.

Alisha Coakley: 1:19:02

And it's very interesting. So, so many times, what I do is, whenever I have someone who comes on the show, who has something like that, I usually like to you know, to to know, kind of like, what it's about. I like, uh, you know, with Vinny, I did coaching with him and and we have another guest that's going to be coming on, who I did a session with her, I did a session with you, and so I really cause, I like to learn, I like to see how does the mind, body and the spirit all play into each other and how does that help and stuff. And so you and I did a session and, uh, it was so cool. One of the things that I loved and I won't share everything in our our, you know what we talked about and everything but one of the things that I really loved was, um, I have this tendency to constantly be in my head berating myself for what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong and what I should be doing and could be doing and need to be doing. And you gave me this great tip, um, and so I've started putting it into practice and it was so awesome. You, you know, as a writer, right Like it's really easy for me to think in terms of dialogue, dialogue tags.

Alisha Coakley: 1:20:10

You know like he said this and she said that he sauntered over to her, like things like that. Right, so you said, whenever I have one of those thoughts in your, in my mind, like, oh man, alisha, you really just wasted half your day sitting around on the couch coughing up a lung, you know, like you could have been doing this, or you should have been doing that, or you know, you can't even be sick the right way, like you should have taken medicine, so then you can feel better. These are things that go through my head. Right, you gave me this tool and you said add a dialogue tag to it and assign it to Satan. Right, so now it's no longer.

Alisha Coakley: 1:20:51

It might sound like Alisha is berating Alisha, but really it's Satan berating me. Oh, you can't even be sick the right way, alisha. He sneered, you know, and so I started doing this and it. You know, sometimes I would write it down, but sometimes I would just like mentally, like check it off, and all of a sudden it made the dialogue in my head almost funny. You know what I mean. Like it, like it turned it into this like powerless thing that was happening on the negative voice side and gave me that power back to be like no, it's okay. Like I can sleep half the day if I need to, and that's okay. Like I'm allowed to do that for my body, that's okay, you know. So, anyway, it was just a really, really cool session that we had, and thank you for all of that. Thank you so much.

Sunshine Harston: 1:21:35

I appreciate that Thanks.

Scott Brandley: 1:21:38

So you got remarried somewhere along the way I did.

Sunshine Harston: 1:21:42

Yes, yes, I got remarried five years ago. His name is Steve, and together we've got seven kids, so it's really fun.

Alisha Coakley: 1:21:54

That's awesome, yeah, so tell us now you know you have this. Are you still on your Facebook page that you were talking about, or is that still active if people wanted to go back through and read some of your old posts or things like that? You know, yeah, when can people get your story or or reach out to you if they're interested in, you know, coaching or any of that kind of stuff?

Sunshine Harston: 1:22:18

Okay, so my my, the page that we had when Matt was alive that have a lot of the posts and the experiences. It's called team Matt Johnson and it's still active on Facebook. Um, if people are interested in learning more about the work that I do, I have a website that's just my name it's sunshine hearstoncom, and I have a website that's just my name it's sunshineharstoncom, and I have a Facebook group that I just use to put in just daily nuggets of wisdom or, you know, things that pop up or that people want to share, and that group is called sunshine, served daily and it's just a very casual, uplifting group to be a part of. If you want some inspirational nuggets, I guess you know, amongst all the junky stuff that's in the world today.

Scott Brandley: 1:23:12

There's a lot of that, that's for sure.

Alisha Coakley: 1:23:15

Yes, definitely. Well, miss sunshine, thank you so much for sharing your story. Is there anything that like left that you'd like to leave with listeners? Any you know testimony, take me takeaways or last minute um thoughts or inspiration.

Sunshine Harston: 1:23:32

Um, I think the thing that really has been instrumental in my life, the lesson that I learned is there is so much beauty and there are so many miracles and blessings and opportunities. Amidst the suffering and the darkness that's around us, and even at the times where we feel that we are alone or we feel that we are unworthy or that we're not enough or we feel invisible or we feel like we're not wanted, I know that our Heavenly Father and our Savior is by us, that they want to come and do life with us. I really love the lesson of our Savior when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane where angels came and ministered to him. I love how Elder Maxwell talked about how, the closer that we become to our Savior, the more that we have the desire to develop a relationship with Him, the more that we have to enter into our own personal gardens of Gethsemane. But there in those gardens is when we get to have the opportunity to strengthen our personal relationship with the Lord in a way that we wouldn't be able to do otherwise.

Sunshine Harston: 1:25:01

And I've learned that for myself that through this trial, I feel like I've climbed a mountain. I feel like I got to a point eventually where I reached a summit and I said I did it, I made it, I did the hardest thing imaginable. But I feel like I was also able to look back and I was able to see that, every step of the way, that the Lord was with me, even when I didn't know it or I didn't recognize it, even the moments that I felt so alone or I felt so sad or I felt so abandoned, he was there the entire time. And that promise those blessings that is available to everybody, because essentially, his primary goal is he wants all of us to come back home. He wants all of us to come back and be with him.

Sunshine Harston: 1:25:51

And so our journeys are going to be so different from everybody else's because they're catered to us. But our journeys are going to include joy and happy moments and moments of victory. But we're all going to also have our wilderness places, our places where we are being tried and stretched to our very core, where we're going to cry out and say my God, why has thou forsaken me? And it's part of the plan, like it's okay. But if we're willing to just crawl or just take one step at a time, or even if we choose to run away, he has a plan, like he's aware of us, we're known we, we matter and it's okay. Like there's beauty in the ashes that we go through in life.

Alisha Coakley: 1:26:42

I love that Perfect Well gosh. Thank you so much again, sunshine, we really, really appreciate you coming on today.

Sunshine Harston: 1:26:50

Thank you so much for having me. It means a lot.

Scott Brandley: 1:26:53

That was awesome. You live up to your name, for sure.

Sunshine Harston: 1:26:59

I appreciate that. Thank you man.

Scott Brandley: 1:27:05

Well, thanks again for being on the show and thanks everyone watching for tuning in and listening to sunshine story. You know we are very grateful for you and for your support of our podcast. We wouldn't couldn't do this without you, guys.

Alisha Coakley: 1:27:22

Yeah, absolutely. And we just want to remind you guys, you know, do your five second missionary work and only takes, you know, the click of a button to share the story. So, share sunshine's story with the world, definitely get, get a little bit more sunshine out there into the world, right, light the world, light this darkness, um, with some of these, these beautiful things that she's talked to us about today. And if you guys have a story that you would like to share, um, one that can instill faith, invite growth or inspire others, we would love to hear from you. So head over to latter late latterdaylightscom and you can fill a form out at the bottom of the page or you can comment on, you know, any of these stories, these videos that you guys are seeing.

Alisha Coakley: 1:28:03

We would love to hear your story here, what's built your testimony, what has helped you to feel closer to the savior, to know who, have to know more of who you are and and what your purpose is in this life. So, um, that's just an open invitation. Or if you, if you know someone you know, do a little wink, wink, nudge, nudge, tell them to reach out to us. We would love to hear more stories of light and get them out to, to you know, other members of the church and and even those who aren't members of the church. Hey, it's all happiness, it's all good stuff. We like sharing light with everybody, so be sure that you guys do that we like sharing light with everybody, so be sure that you guys do that.

Scott Brandley: 1:28:44

Yeah, and go and comment on sunshine's uh video or wherever you watch this. Let her know what you think about it and give her some feedback yeah, and we'll share those links that she mentioned earlier in the description.

Alisha Coakley: 1:28:55

So if you guys are wanting to find her facebook or those groups or her website, we'll be sure to share them so that you guys can reach out to her directly as well. Yep, all right. Well, I think that's all we have today, right, scott?

Scott Brandley: 1:29:08

Yep, thanks everyone for tuning in and thanks Sunshine again for your amazing light and your story, and we will talk to you guys again next week with another episode. Until then, take care bye.