When Sandra Howell faced the daunting reality of her twins' premature birth at only 26 weeks, and her own life hanging in the balance, it was more than a challenge; it was a journey into the true meaning of life, and the importance of motherhood.
Her story, rich with resilience and miracles, is a testament to the strength found when facing overwhelming odds. As Sandra opens up about her experiences, you will be moved by her insights into the sacred calling of being a mother—where trials become triumphs, and fear gives way to fulfillment.
*** Please SHARE Sandra's story and help us spread hope and light to others. ***
To WATCH this episode on YouTube, visit: https://youtu.be/5ZJ7BkPSrQU
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Also, if you have a faith-promoting or inspiring story, or know someone who does, please let us know by going to https://www.latterdaylights.com and reaching out to us.
When Sandra Howell faced the daunting reality of her twins' premature birth at only 26 weeks, and her own life hanging in the balance, it was more than a challenge; it was a journey into the true meaning of life, and the importance of motherhood.
Her story, rich with resilience and miracles, is a testament to the strength found when facing overwhelming odds. As Sandra opens up about her experiences, you will be moved by her insights into the sacred calling of being a mother—where trials become triumphs, and fear gives way to fulfillment.
*** Please SHARE Sandra's story and help us spread hope and light to others. ***
To WATCH this episode on YouTube, visit: https://youtu.be/5ZJ7BkPSrQU
-----
Also, if you have a faith-promoting or inspiring story, or know someone who does, please let us know by going to https://www.latterdaylights.com and reaching out to us.
Hi everyone, I'm Scott Brandley.
Alisha Coakley:And I'm Alisha Coakley. Every member of the church has a story to share, one that can instill faith, invite growth and inspire others.
Scott Brandley:On today's episode, we're going to hear how one woman's quest to find her purpose led her to discover that the calling of motherhood is the most important work that she can do. Welcome to Latter-day Lights. Hey everyone, welcome back to another edition of Latter-day Lights. We're so glad you're here with us today. We're really excited to introduce our guest, Sandra Howell. Sandra, how are you?
Sandra Howell:I'm great. How are you?
Scott Brandley:We're good you doing great.
Alisha Coakley:Yeah, a little tired, but good, yeah, awesome. So, sandra, thank you so much for reaching out to us. I have to ask how did you come across Latter-day Lights? How did you find her show?
Sandra Howell:Social media and I actually had a good friend and actually my life coach, maryann Dudak. That was on.
Scott Brandley:Oh yes, Not too far back we love Maryann.
Alisha Coakley:Yeah, she's amazing, she is, she really really is, and she's so artistic. I've been seeing lately her post on her hats have you seen that. Yeah, they're so pretty. Seriously, if you have any hat lovers out there, go look up Maryann's Facebook.
Sandra Howell:Yeah, maryann Dudak. She's an amazing artist. She is, yeah, and life coach and friend. She's just amazing all together. Yeah, and I've seen other episodes on Facebook where I ran into it, so, yes, oh cool.
Alisha Coakley:Well, we're so excited that you contacted us and that you're willing to share your story. But before we get into all of that, why don't you share a little bit about?
Sandra Howell:you All right. Well, my name is Sandra Howell and I live in a small rural community in Vernal, utah. I have four daughters 18, almost 15, and my twins are nine and we've lived here. I've lived here since 1997, done a lot of different things here and through my story you'll hear a little bit more about kind of how my life has been the last 10 years. Particularly I had my twin baby girls at 26 weeks and that's kind of where my story started changing a little bit.
Scott Brandley:Wow Okay, Wow Okay. So that's 26 weeks is like really early.
Sandra Howell:Yes, very early, yep. We were in the NICU for three months. And yeah, they weren't supposed to make it, I wasn't, and here we all are. So it's been quite the almost decades. So.
Alisha Coakley:All right. Well, we are definitely interested in hearing more about that, so we will give you the floor. Why don't you go ahead and tell us where your story begins? Well, perfect.
Sandra Howell:Well, I grew up in a family of five siblings, Always wanted to be a mother. That was just. I wanted a dozen kids and I just couldn't wait to be a mother and it took me a long time to be a mother. Didn't think I was ever going to have that opportunity, and I do have four daughters now, but it took a lot to get them and, of course, it was just as joyful as I ever imagined. I loved it. I've always kind of had to work and so you know that's something I always did. I tried to stay home as much as possible and but, as we kind of talked earlier, I'm I felt like I was at my best when I was my very busiest and when I had my older two. Things were just great. We were done having kids, we sold our minivan, we got rid of everything. I was almost 40. And I was feeling a little sick. And come to find out, three months into my pregnancy I found out I was pregnant with twins.
Scott Brandley:Wow, I was shocked. That's a bomb.
Sandra Howell:Michelle, we have five sets of twins on my husband and both of our families, so we have Holy cow.
Sandra Howell:And my doctor said you know, the older you are, the more likely. But they came totally naturally, wow. And I thought, oh dear, how am I going to ever do this? So I was pretty much very sick from the get-go, on bed rest most of the pregnancy, and then I had them three months early, at 26 weeks, and when I I worked in the hospital I've worked in the medical field most of my career and I was in the hospital and I was hemorrhaging and I just I knew I was going to going to not make it. There wasn't blood at our hospital, not, there wasn't plasma. I ended up being life-lighted to the University of Utah. I lost a total of six liters of blood. If anyone knows, when you're pregnant you have an extra liter and I had lost three liters here. And then, when I got to the? U and they turned me over on the helicopter, I hemorrhaged again.
Sandra Howell:I don't remember a whole lot, other than I do remember my doctor telling my mom you know, I don't know the babies, they're not going to survive. I know, sandra, we've got to try to save her, but we don't have the blood products here, so we need to get her there. And so the next thing, I know I I felt them cut me without anesthesia and I thought, oh dear I, this is going to hurt. Then I don't remember anything after that. And so there were a lot of miracles that day, one being the nurse that was called in, I happened to know her and she was my angel. That day she specifically was told not to move me on that flight and just to get me there, and there were a lot of miracles that I could write a book about, but and I, it's just not published. But anyhow I I woke up. I remember hearing the monitors and I was like, oh, I lived. I just I had prepared, not even knowing, I had prepared before time at my house for my other daughters, without knowing that this was going to happen. I did have the choice to come back, I know without a shadow of a doubt, and it was a near death experience there, where I did not want to leave heaven and but I knew I needed to and I knew I had a purpose, but didn't quite know for sure what it was. And the nurse came up to me and I was alone, my family was traveling three hours to get to me and the nurse said can I borrow your phone to take pictures of your babies and I said, oh, they lived, I fully expect them to live. And they were both just under two pounds a pound, 10 ounces at their smallest, both of them.
Sandra Howell:We had lots of close calls during that time. We lived at the Ronald McDonald house and for three months and I visited my babies every day, wrote in journals every day and I told Heavenly Father, I would do anything I could to help others through this and because of this, and we finally got to go home and it's been just a crazy journey ever since there going to be 10 in March and they're doing great. I had a couple of close calls, I hemorrhaged again after and then I had a total of 36 blood transfusions that initial day and the doctors all came in the next day and said we don't know how you're alive. I had an abrupt placenta and the blood clot in my. My twins are fraternal and so the blood clot was covered, covered the hole and saved her and saved all of us actually. And so there were just many, many miracles through all of this, just just numerous.
Sandra Howell:And I have a very discerning spirit. It was 10 fold after this, 100 fold after this experience and I've always made a focus to help others, no matter where I'm at, what I'm doing. And after this, you know I said I just fell in my heart. I've got to help women. I've got to help them know how important motherhood is, and so I put on two women's conferences here in the UN of basin. They were wonderful attendants. Jenny Oaks Baker came to one. I did these all on my own, with volunteer help from my family and friends, lots of seniors, actors, authors. I just knew I just needed to help as many people as I could. So I put those one in 2017, one in 2019. And I had written several books, but not published, but had an opportunity to publish. It's healing through broken relationships, and my chapter in that book is chapter 13. And it talks about a bottle that saved my marriage, and it's it's.
Sandra Howell:There's been a lot of ups and downs, but through all of this, I was kind of continuing to get into debt. I was working so hard and I just thought, oh, it's just, I just feel like I'm still missing. There's this huge void. In 2020, my husband had a spinal stroke and then a heart attack a year later and he's permanently disabled, and so I just thought, oh gosh, I just I'm always going to just have to work hard. I just I always have, I've always had to work really hard. But when my husband became disabled, I just our whole lives changed in an instant and I just kept searching for something somewhere outside of my own little family.
Sandra Howell:And a couple of years ago I just I was sitting watching my girls one day and I just felt so much joy and I was sitting there thinking the only time I'm truly happy and I feel this joy is when I'm with my daughters and I watch them. I'm a homeschool mom and so I get to be with my daughters, I get to teach them and learn right along with them, and it's been just amazing and I've just loved it so much. And that day I just it clicked. That is my calling, that was my promise to Heavenly Father that I needed to just focus on my family and realize that all the outside worldly things I was trying to fill these voids with, I realized I was happier when I wasn't trying to earn a lot of money. I realized I was happier when I was just in my home, when we had the small Christmases with not much. That's when we were truly the happiest and it's sort of like the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's simple, it's. There's a simplicity about it that if we can, if we can relish in that joy of the simple, which I was not doing.
Sandra Howell:I was at one point for nine months working 90 hours a week, two jobs in the ER at night. My daughter and I and my family have been running a food truck for the past two seasons and it's been so fun and such an adventure, but I finally just had to give up my one job and let go of all the other things. Do only what I had to do to survive and then be home. That's kind of I. Just every mother is different. We all need different things. Some work, some stay home, some are single, some are married, some have so many challenges. But that gift From God has been my greatest gift, just the greatest thing. So I'm trying.
Sandra Howell:I'm not perfect. In fact, every day I I mess up and I think the main thing, being a mother, apologizing to my kids when I need to I think that's so, so important that they see that we mess up and when we don't feel good about ourselves, they think we're amazing where their parents and their mom and I might not like what I see in the mirror, but they love me and so through all this I thought there's some things I can change. I can change Generational cycles of self-esteem issues. I can show them that it's okay to mess up it, because Heavenly Father will continue to forgive us If we just keep trying. I've had periods of inactivity since COVID and my husband's disability and it's been hard to get back to a place of church. But again I look at my girls and I know that's what I need to do and that's where they need to be and that's Really really important.
Alisha Coakley:Yeah, it's interesting that you say that, because you know there there's a difference. And I don't know, maybe, scott, maybe you feel this with your boys, like, but I know, for me, I felt a shift when my daughter was born. You know, like I, like I was one type of mother to my boys and then my daughter came along and like she got like a different version. Like my boys will say that it's like a better version. You know, they're always like she's your favorite, blah, blah, blah, and I'm like I don't know what to tell you. She's just, it's just different, right.
Alisha Coakley:But but I Remember, when it was just my boys, I, I focused a lot on the negative. I was constantly complaining about things involving myself. Oh, I just, I hate that I'm so old and I hate that I'm so this and why can't I do that and better. And I'm, you know, like I would comment on my weight and on my looks and it was like in like constantly, just never paying attention to the words that were coming on my mouth. And then my daughter was born and it wasn't until she was able to walk and talk. But I started realizing like she mimics me and like she mimics me and I'm gonna be the strongest example that she has of what, what she's gonna think about herself, you know. So if I start complaining about my negatives and my shortcomings and my weaknesses, that's gonna put something in her head, like you said, like she looks at me so differently than what I look at me and To the point where, like even I remember the other night where we were laying in bed and she was talking to me and she was just asking me, like you know, what's your favorite thing about this person and the family, that person?
Alisha Coakley:And you know, I told her, I, I answered her questions and then I said, you know, I'm really getting tired. I think I'm just gonna like we need to go to sleep now. And and she said, well, can I just, can I just do you, can I just tell you my favorite things about you? I'm like sure, and the things she came up with were so like Like there were things I didn't even realize about me. You know, they were so observant and it was like little things, right. Like you know, I love how you take care of your skin and I was like thinking like I don't, I don't take care of my skin the way I should. I should be washing my face every day and I should be taking out my make-up, but for her, what she saw was mom takes care of her skin and so it just.
Alisha Coakley:It was like leads, little things. It made me feel really good, but at the same time I thought, gosh, like I'm so hard on myself. Even still, even still, like after years of trying to not be and trying to focus, I'm still so hard on myself and I don't know, like I said, scott, I don't know if you Feel that like, if you feel like a Like a different version of fatherhood to your boys is what you do to your girls, or if you're pretty even keel, but With you having four daughters, sandra, yeah, maybe it's just because we women are crazy?
Sandra Howell:I don't know, I don't know if I just couldn't. I've had a couple of base carriages and I fill in my heart that they were boys. I don't know what it is about girls, but that's my my calling and you know you were it is. They do mimic us, like my 18 year old, you know she Doesn't have as much confidence and I I think it's because I didn't. And she sees, yeah, I think my mom's beautiful, but she's telling, she's saying she's ugly or fat or why isn't she good enough. And so I've noticed, you know her, she'll come every time she gets ready to go anywhere. She's do I look okay? Do I look okay? And then my other oldest daughter, same thing like, and I can stop it.
Sandra Howell:I'm a little better with the twins, but it really is. I mean, heavenly Father made us, he loves us, he puts motherhood on the highest pedestal and I think he probably cries when he sees how negative we are about ourselves. And so I think it's part of my responsibility as a mother to instill the good values in my girls so they know that they are beautiful no matter what and confident, and they all have such amazing qualities and sometimes they Teach me a lot more than I teach them for sure. But I think you know, I think that's our calling. I'm I'm wanting my kids to have a better life than I did.
Sandra Howell:I had a lot of bullying and abuse growing up and different things that actually Marianne, my, she was my life coach and she gave me this beautiful gift of Finding myself and believing I can get through things and I don't have to be a victim and I can grow from all of my experiences. So I'm trying to stop that generational cycle. My grandma had low self-esteem, my mom did, I do, you know. But we can stop that if we can learn to love ourselves, which she really has helped me to find that and to do so.
Scott Brandley:I Love that. I resonated with well, I don't know if I resonated with it when you said you apologize to your kids. I, I'm probably. I probably need to do a better job at that. I don't know. I guess part of me feels like I don't want them to see that I have weaknesses. Yeah, exactly, I do.
Sandra Howell:I need to do better at that. Yeah, and I think we're teaching them. You know, with the week I mean we feel as a parent, well, we don't want them to think that we're we did something wrong because we're the boss and we're the parent, but I think it's such a good tool for them to see that it's it's okay to make mistakes, and I always want my kids, when they make a big mistake or any mistake, to want to run to me instead of away from me, like I want them to feel safety in coming to me and not say, oh, I'm gonna be in so much trouble, like I hope they can come to me with everything. And so I just I really focus on that and I do apologize to them often, sometimes daily, because I do mess up a lot. And but that's why we're here. We're here to to learn these lessons and and do these things. But I have finally, for the first time in my life, felt the void that I felt for so long, kind of start closing up a little bit because I am on I know I'm on the right track. I Teaching my children how to love and serve, love God in our country and just learn, learn, learn and focus on the things they love. I think that's another big thing. It's not a cookie cutter wait, education sometimes can feel like a cookie cutter, just the same thing. And that's why I choose to homeschool, because if my kids love something, I will focus on that with them.
Sandra Howell:And I'm a lot of people I overfill my kids buckets, like if they want to do something, I tell them, yes, you can, I'll help you. And A lot of my friends are like, why do you do that? Like they're not really gonna make it or do this. Or my oldest daughter's a beautiful singer. Her, she just had her second Christmas CD come out and and she's never she's done competitions for years, never place, never done anything. But she's has the most beautiful voice and so she just went after it herself and I did it herself.
Sandra Howell:And I'm there for them to reach their dreams. I'm Heavenly Father wants us all to reach our dreams and to fulfill the things we want to do, our wishes and desires. But as a mother, like we can, we can show our kids you can do whatever you want. You can write a book, you can Sing, you can be a pilot, you can do my daughter's just.
Sandra Howell:I focus on those things that they, they, really love, and I think, as a parent, there's no handbook for that. We, we come up with our own handbooks over time. Nobody taught us how to do this. Our parents same thing. We can't blame them. They didn't know either. But it's taken a long time for me to learn some of these simple things that I could have had all along, and I could have been a lot more happier years ago if I would have focused on the simplicity of the gospel of Jesus Christ and and just being a mother and not trying to. You know, social media makes it hundred times harder to fill. We're seeking for this perfection all the time, and social media is a very dangerous place for me to go a lot. It does a lot of good, but it also does so much bad.
Scott Brandley:So that's so when you are working 90 hours where your kids homeschooled, then too, or is that something new?
Sandra Howell:nope, I've, I've homeschooled her. It's so when I work nights I would get all their work together and correct all their stuff at night, get ready for the next day, and my older daughters and my husband Would do. And then on my days off, so I worked seven on, seven off. So the seven off that I had one job I, we just did lots of schooling and then my one job seasonal, so like right now, I, my wonderful boss made it so I get to stay home this winter until March, and so we're just doing everything and as many hours as we can fit in, and it's been, but it's been just wonderful.
Sandra Howell:So you, I've, I just, yeah, I lived off little sleep. I was going a little nutty there for a minute, I'm just because your body just is like that's, that's all I can do. So, but I felt like I had to do that I. I'm the breadwinner now and I I didn't know what else to do, but we've been able to manage it without that second job. So there's a way. There's always a way if we, if we want it bad enough, heavenly Father will make the way for us if we just ask.
Alisha Coakley:Yeah you know, and I think you know, looking back on, like my own journey with motherhood, I so I remember as a little girl, right, like same same as you all, I wanted to be with some mom. I remember that song, maybe you remember this, and it was like guys, I'm not a singer, so I apologize. It's like when I grow up, I want to be a mother and have a family One little, two little, three little babies I can love, or something like that. You remember that.
Scott Brandley:I do.
Alisha Coakley:I love that. And it was like four little, five little, six little, you know, and I was like, oh my gosh, and that was like my dream. I was like I just want all the babies. I don't want a career, I don't want anything. And it's funny because Even in those, those first few years of being a mom, with how much of a desire I had to be a mom, just like you, I was constantly feeling like I need to do more.
Alisha Coakley:You know, like I have to bring money in and I have to make sure that I can say yes to everybody and I have to, I have to, I have to, and. And it stressed me out and made me not a very nice mom. Like I was very short with my kids. I was always tired, like I said, I complained so much about stuff and and, and I think, too, like I had this expectation even though my, my boys were really little, then I had this Expectation that they had to be a certain way, like they had to Match.
Alisha Coakley:Every, literally every Sunday that we went to church, I coordinated our outfits so that we all match. It was like crazy, like I don't know why I did that, but I felt this need to always be ready for pictures. I never wanted to be in the pictures ever. Yeah, there's very few, right, I was always behind the camera, but I had to constantly make sure that my kids were always getting photos, and and that was even before Social media was super popular, like it was like just in the beginning stages of Facebook.
Alisha Coakley:But but I look back and I'm like man, I was so tired and so grouchy and I was so busy and I didn't feel a whole lot of joy. And now it's weird because I think I'm busier. I have three kids. I home school as well, although I am. I am a lazy home school. I'm just gonna put that out there. I don't plan anything, I just pay to have someone else do it. I put my kids online and then we have big discussions and we go and we do fun things, but I hate. I hate lesson planning and I hate grading, and so I don't do that.
Alisha Coakley:But I don't, I know I do, I'm just like, yeah, I believe you, yeah, yeah, and my kids, they don't love it, but I'm like you know what, we just need to get through. Like we just need to get through and just do that. But we're gonna learn our own through experience and and I think that's where I'm coming to this comment Right, like I look back on that and I think, gosh man, I could have what it should have, but ultimately, I gained a lot of experience doing things the hard way, the wrong way, you know, whatever version you want to throw in there, I gained a lot of experience and because of that experience, I feel like I have a better understanding when my kids feel stressed out, you know so. So I would encourage you, don't, don't be so hard on yourself for, like, not having changed earlier, because it taught you how to be able to be there for when your kids are going to go through those things too, because hopefully they don't, but chances are they're going to Right, like the chances are our kids are going to over, extend themselves, they're gonna get themselves in tricky situations, they're gonna make bad choices, they're gonna make choices that scare you and, and by you having those experiences, it ultimately makes you a better mom.
Alisha Coakley:So Just don't, don't negate those. You know those years where you were really busy and just be grateful for the fact that you got to change while your kids were still home. You know, and you got to have Both, both pictures right like right, both the crazy busy mom and also the crazy busy mom. But who's happy mom?
Sandra Howell:Yeah yeah, there's. I'll tell you, when we first started the homeschooling thing, it was like I felt like I had a stick to a schedule and Great, everything every night and it was just a lot of yelling and heartache, like it was horrible and I thought, what am I doing? And then when I learned that it's okay, like let them learn at their own pace and Let them do the things they love, and then they learn really well if you find what they love and they're interested in, because they're all so different. And so now you know, my older girls will see my homeschool technique with the twins and they're like, hey, this is there. You were really mean to us Because I've learned over the years that I finally let go.
Sandra Howell:I don't believe in grades, because I have kids that work harder for a C, then ones that come naturally for an A, so I don't believe in that Labeling kids with that, so they just they all excel in their own ways and their own things. And once I Realize that and let go a little bit, it's been a lot more joyful.
Sandra Howell:Yeah so it's. You know I'm, and I'm such a people pleaser. I always tell my girls I have had a really hard time putting boundaries up in my life and Always being saying yes, yes, yes. So much that it just wore me out and the people I was saying, yes, you didn't care, they didn't care that I was worn out, miss breaks, missed holidays with my families, they, they didn't care about that.
Sandra Howell:So that's one thing I've, through life coaching I've been trying to learn and be better at, is it's okay to have boundaries, it's okay to say no, and that's something it's taken my whole life. I'm in my 40s and my whole life I've I have not learned how to say no. So that's another thing I tell my daughters you take all the good qualities from me and there's some that I can tell you right now and I'll admit they're really bad and you don't want them. And so I think, as parents, if we can Know where our faults are, admit to them and let our kids know whether it's through apologizing or just teaching by example and see the difference in us, you know it's okay to say no to things and put up boundaries. You can be strong and You'll be a lot more happy if you don't say yes to everything, and that's okay, and that's something I have struggled with my entire life.
Scott Brandley:So so I got a question for you why did you choose to get a life coach and how has it helped you? Because I think we hear the term life coach a lot, but I don't. I've never had one, I don't know yeah.
Alisha Coakley:Right, scott, yeah, yeah, so it's, it's a it's all the same thing as mentoring and stuff.
Sandra Howell:Yeah, yeah, and I think a life coaching. There's so many different things Mary Ann teaches through like Experiences of trauma and stuff, and actually I was gifted the gift to have her be my life coach. I would have never done it on my own. I don't think I didn't understand really what it was, but that's exactly what she was was a mentor and a coach who showed me and I did all the homework assignments. She gave me all the reading, all the stuff I I changed so much.
Sandra Howell:There would be times when I was in my depressions that I would just be in bed for two or three days and couldn't even function. I don't do that anymore. Once in a while I'll have a bad day when I'll want to just not wake, just stay in bed all day, you know, and not get ready or whatever, but that's. She coached me along and taught me. I had to do it, I had to make the changes myself, but she taught me how and gave me the tools that I needed to Improve myself.
Sandra Howell:And it's not perfect and sometimes I would kind of relapse back into More of a victim mode and I have to remind myself Okay, I was taught these skills for eight months and I need to not forget them. So but yeah, she just kind of is my cheerleader, was my cheerleader and my coach and Teaching me how to rethink and kind of rewire my brain and stop carrying so much from my past. As a child, my first marriage, different abusive situations I've been in, whatever they may be. She helped me work through those so I could put them in the back and stop dwelling on those because it's affected me for over 40 years. And so once I figured out how to do that and her, she has a wonderful technique that just helped a lot of writing, a lot of reading, a lot of patterns and things I needed to talk myself through. But I did it and I can do it and I can still, I do it every day. So Nice.
Alisha Coakley:Yeah, I'm a huge fan of coaching. My book coach, Kim Clement, has become like my life coach and my everything coach. Whether she wants to or not, she's just become my coach. But I like to look at it as like they talk about the game of life, right, and like in any other game that you play, like in sports and stuff like that, there's always a coach, there's always someone who's kind of like zoomed out to see the whole picture and then they can zoom in on like each individual player and which player needs to be doing what. And I feel like with coaching it's not that you have to have a life coach per se, but I feel like even just having a little mentor or having like a council of friends or someone right, someone to bounce ideas off of someone who can kind of view the whole of your situation from an outsider's perspective, it just helps so much.
Alisha Coakley:I know I mentioned there's a writer and a speaker. His name is Andy Andrews favorite ever Love him. I've commented on his stuff like multiple times. He talks about how he's got different people like different boards is what he calls them like the boards of people. So he's got a couple couples that he has designated as his marriage counselors and it's all people with strong marriages. It's people who have been married for decades and they have a happy marriage and they're respectful of one another and they love one another. And then he's got like business people, and then he's got friendship people and he's got parenting people and he's got other authors. So he's got all these little mini councils of people that he's set up. So whenever he's going through something in his life or he feels like he's trying to achieve a goal, he'll go and he'll bounce ideas off of those people who have already achieved what it is that he wants to achieve.
Alisha Coakley:And I love that idea, that perspective. I think it's great to have a coach that you can tell everything to. But also, even if it's just one area of your life, even if it's just one little thing that you want to accomplish, go find someone who has had some accomplishment in that area and then bounce ideas off of them. Let them be a sounding board for you. I think, I don't know. I think if we're left to figure out our own crap, we're only going to get the crap that we've already gotten. Our best thinking got us exactly where we are right now, today. So if we want to get somewhere else even further down the road, that's even better. We probably need to go to someone else's best thinking. Who's already been there, done that?
Scott Brandley:I like that last thought that's good.
Sandra Howell:Well, and I think, too, we wouldn't be the person we were today. Would we want to go wipe out all the things, the mistakes and the bad things that happened? No, I wouldn't. That's made me who I am today, and I still have a lot of work to do, of course, but I really feel like you know, what was interesting with the life coaching is the evaluation I filled out. It was like 15, 20 pages, I can't remember initially, and then I wanted to fill that out again once I got through the coaching. Wow, I mean, you wouldn't have even known it was the same person that wrote the two evaluations. They were that different and it didn't take.
Sandra Howell:The tools are pretty simple. You just have to use them and not forget them, and one of the hardest things for me was just looking in the mirror. You know she, mary-anne, said every time you look in the mirror, you need to tell yourself you love yourself, and my kids would see me do that and I would. They would be like Mom, what are you doing? And then I would forget and they would be like Mom, did you tell yourself you loved yourself? So just little simple things like that. And then the pattern of when something bad happens, how you can turn that around and say but it could have been this, it wasn't this.
Sandra Howell:You know, just seeing all the trials as blessings, more than and miracles and you know, I long for heaven, like I do, I think, a lot of people, especially if you've had a near-death experience you wonder sometimes, why did I come back here? Like well, of course there's no way my husband could erase these, my girls, and that we could have homeschooled. I mean they would have survived. But with his disabilities and things, I mean there's, my purpose is to be their mother and to rear and raise them to the best of my ability. I mean, they're not even my children, they're lent to me by God, they're his, and I feel a great responsibility to make them the best humans I can.
Sandra Howell:And I hope that I've done a good enough job, because some days I don't feel like it, some days I feel okay with it, but I think it's just one of those things.
Sandra Howell:You know, we feel so imperfect and I think even in the church there's even a perfection standard, even more than the regular world. For some reason, like I just feel like we're trying to always be just perfect, but we aren't and we're not here to be perfect. We're here to learn and then become perfect after we give it our best. And so that's, I don't know, it's just a challenge, it's a human thing and we just can't comprehend. But you know, I said we have so many trials in my family and I always tell my mom I think I probably raised my hand over and over again in heaven, volunteering to do all these things because I didn't want somebody else to have to suffer, and I still, I believe, what we go through today. We would do it all over again and even go through more bad things if we knew what the glory was in the end, and so I have to just remind myself of that and know that it'll be all worth it someday, even on the hard days.
Alisha Coakley:Yeah, you know I want to touch on, and I'd love to hear a little more, if you're open to it, about your experience that you shared with the near-death moments and stuff. And you said earlier that you had the opportunity to choose, and we've had a couple different people on the show over this last year and a half two years who, they too, have had near-death experiences, and every single one of them said the same thing they were given a choice and they chose to come back, and so I would love to hear a little bit more about that, if you're okay sharing it, and if not, that's okay too. I'm just curious as to like what was it like for you.
Sandra Howell:Well, you know the morning. So the day before I went into labor I was just sitting in a recliner, like the night. The evening before it was about four in the morning, on a Wednesday, on March 19th, and the babies weren't supposed to be due until June. And I was just. I had purchased these journals for my older two daughters and I had just written everything for each of them, everything I loved about them, all their qualities, and they were at the time they were nine and six and I just I had completed journals, I had paid all the bills. I felt an urgency, but I wasn't sure why. And then, as I looked back later, I even noticed more things that I had done to prepare not realizing, but particular those journals. And then about four in the morning, like I rolled over and I just felt a gush of blood or a gush and I thought, oh dear, my water's broke or something. So I got up and it was blood and I was like, oh no, I'm just not far enough along to. This is not going to turn out good. And I just remember calmly calling my mom and dad and saying this is what's going on.
Sandra Howell:My husband was out at work. He worked in the oil field and was gone a lot. He was a trucker and I called the hospital and because I knew everyone there, because I worked there for years and I let the gal Brandy, I said, hey, I am bleeding, something's wrong, I'm scared, I don't think we're going to survive this at least the babies won't and because I knew all the medical terms and what this all meant. So when we went there, I remember everyone. Just I mean people were coming to say goodbye to me and I'm like I think they all think I'm going to die. Well, they did. And the doctor we're in a small town so everyone knows everybody the doctor, I was friends with the physicians, I knew everybody. And I just remember my mom and the doctor at the foot of my bed and the doctor had his hand on my foot and he was telling my mom you know that the babies were not going to make it for sure, they're just way too young, they're just they're not far enough along and we need to try to save Sandra. But honestly, there's, we don't have the blood products here. I don't know how this is going to play out and I just remember I was just kind of it was in a weird.
Sandra Howell:I felt calm and peace the whole entire time. And I just remember the respiratory therapist and the pharmacist came and gave me a blessing. I knew them both and I just knew everything was going to be okay. But I also knew that I wasn't going to make it Like I just I had a feeling and I remember telling my dad please do not take, bring my older girls up here to see me off in the helicopter, cause I didn't want them that to be the last time they saw me. And I was so worried. And I just remember getting on the helicopter and I just, I was still just so calm the whole time and I looked down and there my daughters were waving at me and I had told my dad, don't, please, don't bring them, because I just don't want that to be the last memory of me. And I just remember looking out the window, thinking this would be a really cool ride if I wasn't so sick, but I had realized how much blood I had lost in the nurse that I like I said it was a miracle she was there and the lady that was would have been there, called in sick and Deb was like I'm so glad I was here because she wouldn't have handled this the same way. She was also LDS and she also. She just felt certain things she needed to do. And once we got there and when they turned me over and I started gushing blood again, I just knew in my heart and my near death experience wasn't like other people's, like I don't really remember being in a big light or anything like that. I just know when they made that cut and I felt that and then I was out of it.
Sandra Howell:I just remember when I came to and heard the monitors, I knew that I had chosen to be back and I just prayed in my heart and I just remember saying I'm gonna do everything I can. I know I needed to be back here and thank you for letting me come back. And it was more of a. I was just calm the whole time, knowing I wasn't gonna live, knowing my babies weren't gonna live.
Sandra Howell:And then when I heard those, the beeping and the monitors, I knew that I had made the choice to come back, cause I was in this calm place and I did not want to leave. I just remember feeling I don't want to leave, but I know I have to and I just it was more of in my heart, feeling and like I, just I was so warm and so at peace and I just I didn't wanna go back to the chaos of the world. And then I, just, when I heard those monitors, I just knew that I made the choice to be there and I was gonna do everything in my power to be the best mom I could be, but to also help as many people as I could, and so mine. You know, a lot of people say they see a light or they saw a person or a person or something Mine was more of. I just knew I was in heaven. I knew that peace fulfilling cause I had felt it before, assuming, before I came to earth, that same and I just knew that I was on the other side.
Sandra Howell:And then, when I heard those beeping, that's when my life, just I knew that I wasn't done yet and there's been many times where I wish that I didn't have to leave that space I was in but I needed to and this is where I needed to be and I had a lot to do and I feel like I've tried not to waste time and I've just tried to do and do and do, but we almost lost the twins several times during their three months stay and I mean the doctors called them miracles the whole time, like they were just they're extra special and they still are. But we all are, we all had a purpose and I mean the doctors couldn't believe any of us survived and because of all the situations, but we did, and so right there I know I made a promise to Heavenly Father if you let me raise these daughters of yours, I'll do the best I can. It won't be perfect but I will do the best. So that's kind of what my experience was.
Alisha Coakley:That's awesome, you know. I think sometimes we get so caught up unlike that whole like oh I gotta do the best I can that we forget that sometimes our best is like nothing other than keeping them alive. Sometimes it's like Heavenly Father, I know we're having chicken nuggets again for the third time today, but they're alive and that's okay. That really really is okay. I think that our Heavenly Father I actually think he laughs at it sometimes- oh, I do.
Sandra Howell:He has to have the biggest sense of humor.
Alisha Coakley:He really does and I think he's gotta know. I mean, obviously, like he trusts us, right, like he trusts us with our kiddos and it's not just for moms, it's for dads too, right, it's for or any person who's put in a position of being a guardian or a parent over over, not even just little ones, because I mean the parenting doesn't stop just because they grow up and become an adult. Like you still worry about them and you still love them and you still. I mean I've talked to my mom for two hours today just because I needed her, and so it doesn't ever end. But I think that I think, heavenly Father, he trusts us with these relationships because he knows that if we can keep focused on just showing them that Christ like love, right, like if that's the only thing that we can do is just try to show Christ like love, it's okay if we fall short, it's okay if we don't feed them the most nutritious meals or we don't put them in the right sports or we don't help them with their homework or whatever. Fill in the blank, right.
Alisha Coakley:But I know, for me, being a mom and parent, I guess in general, because there have been times where I've been parents to children who are not my children. I feel like when I'm doing it with the Savior by my side, when I do it with this linking of arms with Heavenly Father, I tend to be able to handle a lot more right Like, I tend to be able to like laugh at the little things and just be like okay, like just let things roll off my back, right. But it's when I try to do it all on my own that the stress comes barreling down on me and the coulda woulda shouldas come barreling down on me. So I have to ask you, because it sounds like you definitely have this very centered piece in motherhood and I know that a lot of us just don't have that as parents because we have so many demands on us all the time, right, I know when my kids were little, there was this one day where I didn't even want to be touched by them.
Alisha Coakley:I was like I'm constantly having little hands all over me and if I'm touched one more time I'm gonna lose it on everybody. And it was insane how like even just the littlest and bless my son, jack, my oldest he was like touch, he just had to touch me just one more time because I told him not to right and it was insane and I did not handle it very well. But looking back I'm like, okay, I can laugh. So how do you keep that centered piece as a parent? How do you continually find the joy in being a parent when you still have a lot going on with your husband's disability and being the main breadwinner and just raising kids and the generation in general? That's enough, yeah. And homeschooling, yeah.
Sandra Howell:So hard so much responsibility, how do you keep that?
Alisha Coakley:piece.
Sandra Howell:Well, and I'm like you, I've felt that so many times. I've just said can you guys just leave me alone, can you just give me five minutes? Can I just go somewhere alone? Because every second somebody's right next to me and I'm glad they love me so much. But sometimes it's so, so difficult.
Sandra Howell:But I think the main thing I remind myself of is we are who our children need. In our imperfect state. God gave me these four daughters and I am exactly what they need. It's not perfect, it might not work for others, but I am who they need. God gave them to me because he knew I could handle it, even on the hardest day. So I think that's the thing, because more days than not, I feel the stress and you know, sometimes we yell a lot or sometimes we, you know, I have to remind myself to be calm and be still, and especially lately, and the holidays don't help and all the stress is going on and many things. So there's just always something that I just I have to just keep going back to you.
Sandra Howell:I was giving these children because God knew I could do it. He trusted me with these children and, honestly, whether you're an aunt or a primary teacher or a teacher. There's so many ways to be a guardian parent, mentor, whatever our goal is and all. Like you said, if we have Heavenly Father by our side and we ask for his help, you know we'll get through it.
Sandra Howell:But I think that's probably the main thing is just knowing that I was made for them and they were made for me, and I think that that's the thing I remind myself on those days where I feel so imperfect and so angry and so I kind of forget that there's joy there and sometimes I have to dig really deep for that joy. But all I know is the times that I have felt the truest joy in my life is when it comes to my dot, my little family, and not trying to search for it outside, when I have a true laugh or a true smile or feel that joy. It's when I'm mothering my children and getting to do it the way that I want for them. So I think that's the main thing that keeps coming back to me.
Alisha Coakley:And you know there only are babies in our home for such a short amount of time and you know, if you live to be 80 or 90 years old, you're gonna have a really long time filled with nothing that you can go back out and you can do all of those those amazing things.
Alisha Coakley:Like you know, I think that your purposes beforehand were very, very noble.
Alisha Coakley:You know, like that desire to want to help women it doesn't have to go away right, like you can just kind of set it on the shelf for now and then, and then in the season when you don't have the little ones that are all around and they need all, they need your constant supervision, you know you can pick that back up off the shelf and say, okay, for now, the next 10 or 20 or 30 years, I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna.
Alisha Coakley:I'm gonna get back to this purpose now, because now you know I can have that and and I do think you know, I just want to put this out there because I know there's a lot of moms who are in positions where they get a lot of joy outside of motherhood and and I think that's a beautiful thing too I think that we're all needed, in whatever capacity. Oh yeah, you know we choose to put our energy into. I think that we can be the you know 1950s housewife, stay at home mom that has everything's perfect, or we could be the crazy hot mess of a mom. I haven't showered in three days and my kids are, you know, eating food off the floor because I didn't clean it up when it fell down from last night's dinner. And that's okay too.
Scott Brandley:But the story you want to tell us.
Alisha Coakley:Listen. I have a puppy now, so any food that falls on the floor is instantly cleaned up.
Scott Brandley:It's cleaned up except for vegetables.
Alisha Coakley:She will not eat vegetables.
Sandra Howell:So yeah, and I totally agree, I, you know I look at some women that I've never really had the circle of friends. You know I had my children late in life, so I was older but with younger kids, so I never really related to anyone, like I didn't have a group, I didn't. I was different and I've I've always searched and longed for those friendships outside, and so I'm so happy when other women get to do that and I'm a little envious too because I'm like I wish I had that, that friendship in that outside circle. And I have always worked outside of the home in some capacity. So it's, you know, I've never got to just stay home all the time, I've always had to work. So I think it is just my way of thinking has changed a little bit.
Sandra Howell:I was doing more for other people than my own children at one time and I think that's where I was like this is not working and it's not fair to them that I'm focusing all of the stuff to help everyone else when I need to help my own. And so I think for me that's when I realized I might not still, I still might always have a little bit of a void, but the joy and happiness that I felt, being with my babies and at home, was something that I had never experienced somewhere else, and so that was my thing. So now I just try to re vote. You know, I focus on my time with them and make it just more memorable. We try to do a lot of things. I go places with my older daughters, I make sure I'm interested in their interests and different things like that and it's just made me a better mom. I still I'm hard on myself and stuff, but I think that's the thing. I was focusing more on the outside and not on my own children. So then all of a sudden, like this past August, I had an 18 year old and I I am not looking forward to that empty nester stage. My kids can stay home. I just love being a mom and I love my kids around me. My older girls still come and we all sit in the recliner together and just talk and you know it's just so fun and I'm not looking forward to that. But I think I'll realize there's a different stage when I see them being mothers and having their own kids and I can see, oh wow, they're, they're doing such a good job.
Sandra Howell:My oldest daughter has always had to help. You know, my husband was over the road and there was one point when the big, the twins, were babies, that we only saw him 52 days in a year and a half. So my oldest, who was only nine, was my second my partner like, and now she's 18. And I just I'm so happy for her because I know she's going to be such a good mom, because she already has been, and I I just can't wait for the new experience that she has in life. But I don't want to give it up and my thing is oh, what are we going to do when all the kids are gone? How are my husband, I, going to stand, each other just being alone all the time, like I won't have a way to escape that. So I think now it's just like so you can just stay as long as you want, but I think you know, yeah. So nice.
Alisha Coakley:Yeah, I'm definitely looking forward to the, to the grand baby stage, but not for like. Give me like four or five years, that's what I'm thinking. I have an almost 18 year old too, so I'm like that's what I tell her. Give it a few years, get on this mission, come home and then you know, give me like four or five years, I don't know. I'm not ready to go totally gray yet. So, I I know my grades are starting to pop through, right here, mine too, mine too.
Sandra Howell:But uh yeah, oh Scott, we earned every one of them. We did, we did.
Alisha Coakley:We did. That's very true, awesome.
Scott Brandley:Well, Sandra, do you have any last thoughts that you'd like to share?
Sandra Howell:You know, I think mostly I just want every woman, every parent, every adult out there that is feeling like they're not doing good enough, you're do, if you're doing the best you can and you're trying hard, you're doing good enough and I think that's the main thing is. And with mothers, you know the stages, like, like you said, at least the stages go so fast. You know who cares if your dishes are dirty in your sink, because there's going to be a time where you'll hope, wish that they were dirty. You'll want the little toys everywhere and the things so. Just relish in the moment, find the joy in those little things and just know that we were meant to be for, for our kids or our nieces or our students or whatever. We were meant to be there for them for some reason, and that you know it'll all be, oh it better, all be worth it. I really believe that. I really believe that I will, but some days, but yeah.
Alisha Coakley:Yeah, and ultimately your kids will probably pick your nursing home, so probably a good idea to be really nice to them now. I've always told my my husband. I said I'm not going to be in the same nursing home as you Like I'm going to be in like the creme de la creme and like the kids are going to give you a box to live out on the street with because I'm way nicer.
Sandra Howell:Well, and I'm really close to my parents and I will. I hope that if it comes to it, I want to be the one to take care of them. They have made me who I am today, despite all the mistakes and different things, Like I, just I love them so much. I hate seeing them get old, so just you know. Yeah, time here is just so short, so it is definitely Well.
Alisha Coakley:Thank you, sandra, that was that was such a nice story and you know, and I love hearing like I don't know, maybe it's just because, as a writer myself, I love the stories that have the ups and downs, you know it just makes for for such a an interesting perspective, you know, like having those, those low, lows and those oh my gosh.
Alisha Coakley:And so I I think that sometimes, when we look back at our stories, it's easy for us to wish that we didn't have to go through those things.
Alisha Coakley:But, man, it would just make such a boring life if we didn't right, like, it would just make such a boring life. And and so thank you for being open and for sharing your story with us today and for sharing the importance of motherhood. I do think it's a really good reminder for us to have and to hold that that role as a parent or a guardian or or you know, some type of of parental type figure in a life is really, really important, and it's it's it's so needed because we have a generation that's coming up on some really scary stuff. You know, like we've got that second coming around the corner and it's going to be really, really hard for them and I think that they need some really good leaders to look to. They need some good parentals where they can, they can turn to and they can see the examples of others who are trusting in the Lord like you've done. So thank you for for sharing your story and for putting motherhood first and for just giving your, your daughters, a really great example to look to.
Sandra Howell:You're welcome. Thank you so much for having me.
Scott Brandley:And thank you all our listeners, for tuning in and listening to Sandra's story. If you have a story like Sandra's or your own, go to Latterday Lightscom and share that with us so we can have them on the show as well.
Alisha Coakley:Yep, absolutely, and be sure to do your five-second missionary work, share Sandra's story, go ahead and like and comment. Let us know what your thoughts are on motherhood and parenthood and and all of those things. Let us know what your favorite part of Sandra's story was today. We would love to hear from you guys. So with that, we hope you guys have a wonderful week and that you will tune in next week for another story of Motherhood Lights. Have a good one, guys.
Scott Brandley:Take care.